Over the top Bar-Mitzvha's- not really

GLUE

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:07 pm

When my Grandparents made a Bar Mitzvha they had it in a hall, with music, flowers, pictures...
When my parents friends were making Bar Mitzvha's they had it in a hall, with music, flowers, pictures...
When my friends started to make Bar Mitzvha's they where\ are in halls with music flowers, pictures.....
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A few years ago I made two Bar Mitzvhas a year apart, the first one I brought 10, 9x13 trays from a takeout place. It costs just under $500. A year later I brought two 9x13 trays from the same place and those two cost just under $150.

This is lost in the noise, when ever people complain that Simcha's are expensive. The go to answer is Stop making over the top Simcha's. Is it so over the top to want to make the same type of Simcha that I made for my oldest?

It is very easy to write that the problem is party planners ect... I think it makes people feel good to think that the real reason Simcha's are unaffordable is the over the top spending. After reading one to many times on how you don't need to make a Bar Mitzvha so over the top. I called the magazine and told them stop putting in such articles, put in articles that will tell you how to make a Bar Mitzvha on a budget. The answer, people don't want such articles. Really???

For the last few generations people that I know all make a Bar Mitzvha the same way. Some spend more some less. Now what was a few years ago was called the budget package is unaffordable. Is anyone going to recognize this? Or does it just make people feel better to say it's not that life has gotten unaffordable it's that people need to live the hi life.

Last edited by GLUE on Wed, May 01 2024, 5:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tomato

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:20 pm

I don't understand your post. Did you cook the rest of the food yourself? Or did you just have very few guest so 2 pans of food was enough?
There are certain unmitigable expenses to a Bar Mitzvah which in my community include the following:
Tefilin
Hat
Suit
Teacher to teach leining
A kiddush at shul
A Seudah for family/friends
I don't think anyone can do that for $150 or $300

I happen to have made a lot of the food myself, my husband can teach my son leining, and everything we buy as cheap as we can. It still costs.
If I could afford I would hire a caterer and a pay someone to do the decor. It's a lot of work cooking, baking, borrowing from Gemachs, washing tablecloths, returning centerpieces, replacing damaged item, etc.

amother

Calendula

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:29 pm

I think the point is that costs are skyrocketing and what was once considered a standard simcha now costs so much it’s considered over the top without being fancier. I think she was showing the jump in price by comparing the two costs of food, how the same twelve pans would have cost double a year later. A bar mitzva is much more expensive than people think it is and then blame people’s high standards without realizing that just a basic catered meal is alone 5-7k without anything else included, and then there’s the shopping and tefillin and kiddush, all easily 15k or more for the same exact simcha that has been made for the past 50 years.
Don’t blame us for inflation please.

amother

Calendula

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:36 pm

lamplighter wrote:

The problem is that our standards have not adjusted to reflect inflation.

What standards would you change for a basic bar mitzva? Unless you eliminate a night event (which with todays spread out families is even more important) what else can you really cut back on? Food is pretty simple, didn’t rent anything extra or even do flowers.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:37 pm

I don't judge over the topness based on price. I judge based on looks. I recently went to bar mitzvahs that were like weddings, not just flowers, but massive centerpieces all along the tables, not just food but prime beef for each guest, not just photography but outdoor photo shoots with everyone wearing almost wedding gowns, hair and makeup done. This is what's becoming standard.

amother

Calendula

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:42 pm

Well I will say the last one we made almost three years ago was not the cheap cheapest (like didn’t use hall that serves on plastic)!but didn’t upgrade menu at all, didn’t rent tablecloths or centerpieces, paid $10 for a girl to do daughters hair, $60 for makeup, had a cheap photographer and music and bought very basic clothing for bar mitzva boy, only one botsalino hat, and it was still over $15,000. That’s a lot for one kid
ETA to add kiddush was the standard Shul kiddush without one extra for ladies either-literally paper tablecloths and Kugel and bakery cake.

amother

Mintcream

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:43 pm

My grandfather bought his own tefillin and got an aliya in an early minyan before going to work!
Should my children have the same? More or less?
Everyone should do what works for them and keep in mind that the bar mitzva for one son may not be the right bar mitzva for another son.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:46 pm

amother Calendula wrote:

Prices are up though.

I paid 30-35 for each of my daughters hair, a girl did their hair. And $100 for my makeup, which is considered cheap. Etc.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:49 pm

amother Mintcream wrote:

I wish!

mha3484

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:54 pm

I live OOT, the standard here is that the bo bayom is a class party with some family and maybe some close friends. But most parties my son is invited to are the 18 boys in the class, the rebbe, menahel, mashgiach etc any local family and maybe some neighbors but they are not fancy parties with the exception of a few and average around 50-75 people.

I think the expectation that I read about on here, that you do a fancy weeknight event for 100 plus people, then a big shabbos kiddush and shabbos meals for 125 relatives, is a lot in this economy. I wonder if people picked and choose what they wanted to focus on and then made the other events smaller if the costs would be less overwhelming.

amother

Tomato

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:58 pm

amother Calendula wrote:

And our small OOT mostly homemade Bar Mitzva, appx 70 ppl including music, clothing, paying someone to do hair and makeup cost about $2,500.

lamplighter

Wed, May 01 2024, 2:59 pm

I'm not saying we need to things this way or that way, I'm explaining that there is inflation but there hasn't been any changes to the standards the have tos.
Ex: getting makeup done. Let's say it used to cost $70 a face and the mother and high school daughters had it done. Now it's $150 but everyone is still getting their make up done.
My community does not do a full shabbos affair so my numbers are different.

Chayalle

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:09 pm

I think you are complaining about inflation.
I made Shabbos Sheva Brachos 6 months ago, and the price went up since - not only the cost per person, but the caterer's minimum went up as well. I'm looking at several hundred $$ more in cost because it's too much for me right now to self-cater, and these are the most budget-friendly caterers available - and it's still expensive.

amother

Mintcream

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:24 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

Do very little to celebrate a small event. Who said a bar mitzva is a big event?

To clarify to me "big event"= major mile stone in a Jewish males life. Yes, your son will always remember how his parents welcomed him and celebrated thus moment in life. And it needs to be celebrated in a way that ge will feel proud and comfortable among his peers. That being said, it should be on your economic terms not breaking bank for peer pressure to meet standards you can't afford

amother

Nasturtium

Wed, May 01 2024, 3:34 pm

amother Mintcream wrote:

There is a wide range of normal for a bar mitzvah. However, is important to do something within the normal range. I know someone making a bar Mitzvah in the next few weeks who is tight financially and didn't bother planning anything. Now her son is very nervous and making major demands because he is nervous he won't have anything. Its important that the kid fits in.

I'm making a bar mitzvah pretty soon iyh and planning the middle of the road normal shabbos event. I don't know how much it will cost yet 100%.