How do I let friends know we are by ourselves w/o sounding

amother

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 6:57 am

My husband and I often spend Shabbos and yom tov alone. when my friends ask what we are doing for a yom tov, I say that we are home, just us. That response rarely ends up with an invite. Maybe I am not saying the right thing , but I do not want to sound desperate. I have many physical problems (that are not obvious) which makes it hard for us to host frequently.when we host ,we make sure to invite at least 1 person or couple that are typically by themselves for Shabbos along with other families. We do host but only a few times a year.Any advice?

amother

Navy

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:01 am

Maybe they're hoping you'll invite them so it's makes sense you don't end up with an invite...

amother

Honey

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:01 am

amother OP wrote:

we often spend Shabbos and yom tov alone. when my friends ask what we are doing for a yom tov, I say that we are home, just us. That response rarely ends up with an invite. Maybe I am not saying the right thing , but I do not want to sound desperate. I have many physical problems (that are not obvious) which makes it hard for us to host frequently.when we host ,we make sure to invite at least 1 person or couple that are typically by themselves for Shabbos along with other families. We do host but only a few times a year.Any advice?

How about no, no plans yet, just us home. Sounding like this is not exciting

amother

DarkRed

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:02 am

You can say, “we are home by ourselves for now, but if anything comes up we are flexible.” And make eye contact as you say it. Most people will get the hint, and if they want to invite you they will.

amother

Birch

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:07 am

My friend told me the same happened to her. I think on yom tov people have family over and they don’t want to invite more guests unless they have to

amother

Freesia

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:13 am

amother Birch wrote:

My friend told me the same happened to her. I think on yom tov people have family over and they don’t want to invite more guests unless they have to

This. My mother has a few friends who are home alone and keep dropping hints about it. But she also has kids and grandchildren here who want to spend time with each other and not strangers and are attempting to be kept on a schedule which is harder with extra company. So my mother feels bad she can't invite these friends for a yt meal, but it's just not possible.

OP, maybe focus your efforts more on other people you know are alone, or offer to do a potluck type YT meal.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:16 am

What is alone? You and husband ? Kids?

I agree with others. It’s very hard when you have married kids or siblings with kids visitingx trying o accommodate everyone and then you have extra guests that don’t know everyone.
At our Seder there were two married siblings with grandkids and grandparents , then a random couple. The host was so busy with the two random people that he didn’t get to focus on the grandkids . It’s not simple Pesach time

amother

Holly

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:20 am

I once invited one couple and then ended up with fifteen guests because everyone assumed we were fine with hosting and just invited themselves over. “We heard you were hosting, can we come too?” I should have said no. This was shortly after a major procedure and I got complications because I pushed myself. I still cry about it and it’s several years later. I’ve tried so hard to let go. I’ve learned my lesson since and won’t do the same dumb thing ever again. I was young and had a hard time saying no. I always have a hard time with the posts asking how to get invited out because of this.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 7:24 am

Why should they assume that you want an invitation? Some people like to be on their own

amother

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:02 am

I am not talking about people with a house full of people. I am talking about people who are just home with their immediate family.and I’m talking about people who can handle company but may not realize that it’s just my husband and I very often by ourselves. We are not socially off or difficult people. It’s just that people often don’t think of us.

amother

Cinnamon

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:14 am

amother OP wrote:

So just say I don't know yet, we haven't been invited yet.

seeker

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:29 am

amother Clematis wrote:

You could say we aren’t sure yet instead.

I think this is a great idea. It's still subtle but more open. When you say "home, just us" it might imply that you like to be alone.

But generally speaking yom tov, especially Pesach, is hard for many people. Just because it looks like they're home and available doesn't mean they are. A lot of stress simmers under the surface.

amother

Geranium

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:33 am

Some people like being alone for meals.
Why don't you invite people if you don't like being alone?

amother

Honey

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:33 am

amother Honey wrote:

How about no, no plans yet, just us home. Sounding like this is not exciting

Just to add to this to make it even more obvious, no plans yet looks like its gonna be another yt with just us home I guess.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:49 am

I have been in your spot so I definitely sympathise. I just want to explain it isn’t personal. We were away first days and Shabbos and are home last days. My kids are super off schedule and we are exhausted and so happy to be home. There is no way we could have guests without really complicating things. For everyone Pesach is logistically difficult . It’s not that people don’t want YOU. It’s just very difficult this time of year.

amother

Taupe

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 8:55 am

Can you invite others to you? Pesach is when people are often overwhelmed and not in the best place to host. If you are up to it, why don't you invite others to join you?

mummiedearest

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 9:34 am

“We don’t have plans for the second days. Want to do a leftover potluck meal together? Great! Your place or mine?”

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 10:18 am

Is it a typical thing in your crowd for couples to eat by each other? In my circles it isn’t so common. Would you be interested in inviting your female friends to come over in the afternoon for shmoozing if your dh will be out learning?

amother

Clematis

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 10:24 am

amother Honey wrote:

Just to add to this to make it even more obvious, no plans yet looks like its gonna be another yt with just us home I guess.

It is obvious but it also feels kind of heavy like if you don’t invite me my holiday won’t be good.