Dd got period and didn't tell me

amother

Geranium

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 5:33 pm

It is so validating to hear more negative experiences.. I always only hear pleasant fairy tale stories from friends about their first period..
When I was young my mother told me about the period but without much details just that it’s a thing. On chol hamoed pesach I woke up in a happy chol hamoed mood, walked into the kitchen in my pjs, it was dirty in the back but somehow I didn’t realize.. my mother called me out told me I got it and just gave me pads.
I was mortified, my brother and his wife were also there in the kitchen.. till today, more than 15 years later I am still embarrassed and upset when I think about it..

mummiedearest

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:04 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

If he is worried, I'd let him know at some point that he doesn't need to worry anymore. Otherwise, please do not. I would have not appreciated that as a teen. I considered it then (and consider it now) to be private information.

I tell my girls that their father will be informed because he has to know their medical history in case of emergency. I also let them know that it isn’t weird on his end and they should know that they can ask him for help if they need it if I’m not around. I do think it’s important that both parents know these things. There is no obligation for the girls to discuss it with anyone, but there is no medical privacy from parents.

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:17 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

Guess it depends on your DH. Mine doesn't have their medical history (even the parts he was present for) in his head. He calls me to ask. Telling him when DD gets her period would be unnecessary and they would probably feel it to be a privacy violation.

If you feel you must have it in DD's medical history, why not call the doctor and have them note it in her file?

amother

Outerspace

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:22 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

The doctor will ask at her next appointment and put it on the file.

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 9:45 pm

Rubber Duck wrote:

Why is telling your husband considered violating privacy? Wouldn’t he be worried not knowing if she got it?

I am sincerely curious…

I don't know how old OP's DD is, but my husband would not worry unless they were 16 or so and still hadn't gotten their period. If it occurs to him to wonder earlier, he can simply ask me if they have begun menstruating and I'll say yes. He doesn't need to know exactly when it started.

Again, it depends on which type of DH you have. I can only speak for mine. If yours is very involved in their medical status, you might make different choices. But I don't see a need to inform a father as a matter of course, unless your daughter is okay with that.

mummiedearest

Fri, Apr 26 2024, 6:45 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

Medical history is important for ER/urgent care visits. They don’t have access to my pediatrician’s files. The pediatrician will put it in her file anyway, I don’t need to request it. My girls may not love the idea at first, but we make these conversations part of our normal lives. There is no obligation for dh to know details, but it’s good for them to know that he is a potential part of their support system should they need him. This is a non-issue in our house. It would be if we treated it as one.

Rubber Duck

Sat, Apr 27 2024, 10:34 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

I guess it depends how involved the father is

We don’t have kids yet so at the moment I can’t imagine not sharing it

amother

Blushpink

Sat, Apr 27 2024, 11:12 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I can’t imagine there being an emergent medical issue so serious that dd couldn’t answer for herself and it would be such a priority for the medical staff to know at what age dd got her first period. What situation are you imagining dh needing this information?

amother

Eggshell

Sat, Apr 27 2024, 11:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

It was really more than staining. The whole crotch of the underwear was stained in blood. I don't know whether to mention that. What did she think, the laundry fairy will wash it and I won't see?

She's most likely embarrassed to say. Please add some positivity to the idea, like "oh, WOW! I'm so glad you reached maturity" or "BH you're getting your period, it's a step towards being able to have children".
I was embarrassed to pieces. I wouldn't share it with anyone. I'm done preparing my daughters for this stage and I'm still embarrassed, when there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I don't know why I can't get over it.

amother

Aquamarine

Sat, Apr 27 2024, 11:37 pm

Rubber Duck wrote:

I guess it depends how involved the father is

We don’t have kids yet so at the moment I can’t imagine not sharing it

Absolutely this. I have bH a bunch of older kids but my oldest daughter is only 11. I can't imagine not telling my husband. It's a big, happy deal and means she's becoming a woman. It's celebratory and should be treated that way, not shameful or embarrassing. She has to know that its normal and not embarrassing or "gross" or whatever.

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 12:41 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Please ask her. Even if it's normal and wonderful, it's still private.

Do you share with your mother, father, sisters right away when you are pregnant? That is even more wonderful and celebratory.

Everyone deserves to have their privacy respected. If you ask her, and she says she is okay with her father knowing, that's great. If she'd rather keep it between you two for now, it doesn't mean she thinks it's gross.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 12:50 am

amother OP wrote:

One more thing. Should I tell DH?

.

I absolutely would tell him privately and tell him not to bring it up with her.
It's a very important part of physical maturation and he should know. He should also not mention it to her at all since it will likely embarrass her.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 12:52 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

How can you compare a pregnancy, which occurs when she is married and no longer a child in her parents home, to something that happens when she is still a child and living with her parents?

It wouldn't even be a question to me that both DH and I will know when it happens. I would mention it to him privately and he would know not to mention it to her.

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 12:59 am

amother Powderblue wrote:

I guess we feel differently about this.

Just because my child is still living at home doesn't mean she is not an adult and worthy of privacy just as I am. Would you also feel comfortable sharing things said to you confidentially or you discovered on your own when she is 15? 21? If she would be ch"v 27 and unmarried in your home? When does she stop being "a child" and start being an adult in your mind?

For me, when a girl has gotten her period, she has reached a new stage in maturity. (I'm assuming a typical situation of an 11-12 or older girl, not a 9-year old which would be unusual.) I generally start treating my children more as adults as they grow, and would afford her the right to privacy I want for myself as an adult.

If you do successfully manage to convey the tone of celebratory wonder, then she will have no problem telling your husband, right? If not, maybe it's not his news to know right now?

mummiedearest

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 12:24 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

Girls can get their periods quite young, and if asked by a stranger they would be shy to answer. A young girl’s father can be responsible for paperwork in an emergency, and these questions do come up. I’d rather my girls be comfortable discussing this with their father so he can field questions from a professional or fill out paperwork if need be.

amother

Blushpink

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 1:52 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

Can you give an example of a medical situation where this information would be needed immediately and dd not sharing or not being able to share would have negative medical consequences?
I’m talking about a healthy child that got their first period in a normal range, if dd is getting her period or at risk of getting her period extremely young or is old and hasn’t gotten it or there’s some other medical concern I understand keeping dh involved. For a regular girl who gets her period at a normal age and keeps getting them it’s just life not a medical issue to me.

exhausted

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 2:05 pm

I can't imagine not telling DH. Just like I told him when I bought my daughters their first bra. Of course I was discreet and so was he. But it's his daughter and he should know when she reaches milestones!! It's a big deal. It's only shameful if you make it shameful. We're very matter of fact about such things and bh my daughters are comfortable with their father knowing. It has also made kallah classes, bedikas and intimacy much more comfortable to talk about (in the appropriate setting).