Could have gone on a Pesach Program

chestnut

Fri, Apr 19 2024, 4:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP back, loving the supportive and empathetic comments! I am trying my best to see the other side just bitter about the disparity. Additionally as I mentioned before my in laws are only home for Pesach when their kids are around to do the work. When no one is around they go on a program. They do have a cleaning lady. They are well off. Just different cultural norms/expectations.
My family doesn’t always go on programs so I’m just really missing a nice opportunity for my family to go away and feeling really sad about it because it is not every year.
Sorry for being such a “princess” or secret bored yeshiva bochur according to some lol.

No, you didn't mention the bolded before

Elfrida

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 3:30 pm

It sounds to me as though they prefer to be at home gor the Seder, but two elderly people alone for the Seder can be more than a little depressing. Additionally there is a lot of work, and they aren't able to do as much as they used to. So when none of their children are able to come, they go to a hotel as the lesser of two evils.

However, when their children are able to be with them, help with the work and participate in a wider, multi-generational Seder, they would much rather be home and able to have Pesach they way they did it for years when their own family was growing up.

What does your husband say about the situation, by the way?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 10:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

What I have been asked to do is shop cook and clean with my sister in law.

Can your husband also help?
Do you have kids?

Is this shopping, cooking and cleaning her home for most or all of the Yuntif meals? All 8 days??
Or is this just for one or two dishes ( a kugel and brownie?) to add to the table? What is she providing? I assume you pay for the shopping too.

If your MIL is elderly/sick/disabled, then maybe I can understand although it would make more sense to buy catered and get cleaning help, if they can afford.

If she is healthy and doing nothing but leaving you and your SIL to do the work, this may be pathological behavior. Insisting you come, and making your shop, cook and clean for her??
Seriously, something is off here. Did SIL insist on this, because she is tired of doing it alone? Are they of Indian descent?

If you had volunteered, I would have complimented your tzidkus, but since this is not in your comfort zone, I have to wonder what she's pulling. Ask your dh whats going on.

chestnut

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 11:07 pm

greenavocados wrote:

She did. You clearly have no sympathy for her whatsoever, but at least read her posts.

Pretty sure I read all of OP's 5(?) posts in 12 pages, but could be I missed it.
I feel like we're begging for more info and getting tiny bits at a time. Forgive me for not being sympathetic after her opening post where she sounds like a spoiled brat (or a bored yeshiva bachur). We still don't have a full picture here, besides OP complaining about not being with her parents at a hotel.

Last edited by chestnut on Sat, Apr 20 2024, 11:16 pm; edited 1 time in total

chestnut

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 11:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

What I have been asked to do is shop cook and clean with my sister in law.

When did you move to your in-laws?
You need to clean for pesach or you mean clean after the meals?
Is it your in-laws, you and your husband, your SIL and BIL (and possibly kids)?
Your SIL has been doing all this in every year your in-laws were staying home for Pesach?
What does your MIL do while you clean, cook, and shop?

#BestBubby

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 2:12 am

I came to mil a few days before pesach and sulkos and I was the cook, mil was in her 80s.

For many years mil was the cook and I was assistant, but then I took over.

I missed being with my family but I wasn't missing a hotel vacation so I get your disappointment.

Don't worry, OP, Hashem will pay back your sacrifice a million times.

amother

Hyacinth

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 4:38 am

chestnut wrote:

Every single year?

Similar but different, my inlaws have a tiny house with only 1 bathroom, when we go there we squish into one bedroom with the kids on the floor. They eat a special diet , so we have to cook all our own food. On top of that, their house isn’t child friendly so we need to watch our kids like a hawk (think no disposable dishes, everything is glass) and bring all our own toys . We did it one year and it was miserable. Haven’t been back since.
My inlaws come to us instead of us coming to them, typically not Pesach but other times of the year.
My parents invite us but it’s too chaotic with 9 other married siblings with many kids. Their are about 30 kids under 5 and everything is done industrial style with no room to even have my kids do their projects, for me to cook the food that they like, or to make ourselves comfortable.
We went to each side one year and have been making Pesach for the last 20 years since then. Yes you could say we are being selfish we are the only sibling who never goes to my parents and deriving my inlaws of our company . Yes both parents got upset. After a year they got used to it and no one asks us again . We asked a shayla and were told there is nothing wrong with making yom tov if that’s will give us simchos yom tov. Kibud av veam isn’t required to be specifically on Pesach.

Elfrida

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:40 pm

Enough of this!

Here in Yerushalayim we've just finished bedikat chametz. In less than 24 hours we'll be sitting down to our magnificent Seder tables. In chutz l'aretz it won't be much longer.

It's time to stop mourning the Seder and the Pesach that you would have chosen, and focus on enjoying the perfect one that HKBH prepared for you! Even if he required you to do some of the work!

The only thing to mourn is that we aren't all together bringing the Korban Pesach in Yerushalayim. Next year!

amother

Catmint

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:58 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Do you know the cost difference between flying a whole extended family on a Pesach program and just 2 people?

And they are doing it only when no one comes meaning possibly when they HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE
We don't know how hard they may be pushing them selves to afford to go away when it's just them
It's a large leap to decide they can afford taking the whole extended family all the time and are just cheap

amother

Catmint

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 2:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

What I have been asked to do is shop cook and clean with my sister in law.

Shop as in here's a grocery list please go to the store? Or meal plan and figure out amounts of all foods needed?
Same with other categories...
You are not being specific at all. Why?

Bananas!

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 2:14 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

Shop as in here's a grocery list please go to the store? Or meal plan and figure out amounts of all foods needed?
Same with other categories...
You are not being specific at all. Why?

Why do the details matter?
She is disappointed that she has to give up on her free vacation.
Her feelings are valid!

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

They're well off and have a tiny cramped apartment... Totally adds up

Yoohoo! Didn’t comment at all but had to come on here and say yes!
My grandparents are filthy rich and moved from a 3 floor brownstone to a tiny 2 bedroom so grandmother wouldn’t have to host. On the day their youngest got married, bubby said she no longer hosts the kids for anything and will be going to kids instead.
Are they rich? Yes!
How rich? They buy buildings for the mosdos!
Do they live large? Not in their living quarters!
Do they spend otherwise? Yes but not adding up to their means. Like bubby could get new clothes (all St. John and escada) but not for the income she has. She can buy much more and look much better but she’s from a different generation.

amother

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 7:40 am

They are well off but grew up poor and are scared to spend. Their apartment is a vacation apartment. It is very comfortable for them but not for us, tiny guest bedrooms but huge porch. Small portions of food. I have been asked to cook while they do errands for themselves. For ingredients missing I was told to go to store to get it. Regardless why do the details matter? The point is we are missing an amazing opportunity to be working hard. We see them all year. We don’t see my family as often. I am doing this for my baby to have a kesher with this family. My husband would also rather go on the program. I was venting and obviously my feelings were invalidated.

singleagain

Mon, Apr 22 2024, 8:00 am

amother OP wrote:

You're feelings are completely valid. I understood from the start. It's always more than "peeling some potatoes" and "making my own beds" often these are the things that break the camel's back.

You're also right in that the details shouldn't matter. I'm sorry your feelings were invalidate.

I hope you can still have a decent pesach.

ETA I also think it was really nitpicky to complain about your grammar ... Grammar isn't everything.