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-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
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amother
OP
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 Mon, Apr 15 2024, 11:18 am
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My 13 year old son is so irresponsible. He always leaves important things lying around (for e.g. his expensive ties or Shabbos suit), regularly forgets things, does not keep up with his homework, forgets to study for tests or bring home the material he needs, etc. He doesn't get in trouble in school too often, but whenever he does, it's always "someone else's fault". He wakes up late and misses minyan/goes to school late more often than not, doesn't help around the house, and I could keep going on and on. We had a psycho-educational eval done, and nothing showed up at all - no learning disabilities, no ADHD. We've tried consequences, we've tried incentives - nothing lasts long term. Regarding school work, I basically hold his hand through any reports or test-studying so that he doesn't completely fail, but at this age it's getting ridiculous. What do I do?
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amother
Rose
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 12:16 pm
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He has executive functioning deficits, which come along with many diagnoses but can also present independently. Many of the same tips and tricks as managing ADHD. You can try an ADHD coach, or there are lots and lots of YouTube videos if you'd like to try incorporating some ideas on your own.
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giftedmom
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 12:32 pm
ADHD is diagnosed through behavior so what do you mean “nothing showed up”? I’d take him for a second opinion.
Would also try to get to the bottom of what’s bothering him. No kid wants to fail.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 12:38 pm
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Are there any consequences for irresponsible behaviour?
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AlwaysCleaning
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 1:40 pm
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I recently listened to a podcast by Laura Goldman and she addressed this. Her main point was to let your child live with the natural consequences of his actions. He misses the bus? He needs to walk to cheder (if it's in walking distance and safe to) or figure out a ride for himself. He doesn't study? Let him deal with the grades and teacher.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 1:50 pm
| AlwaysCleaning wrote: | | I recently listened to a podcast by Laura Goldman and she addressed this. Her main point was to let your child live with the natural consequences of his actions. He misses the bus? He needs to walk to cheder (if it's in walking distance and safe to) or figure out a ride for himself. He doesn't study? Let him deal with the grades and teacher. |
He doesn't seem to be bothered by the natural consequences. Regarding grades, I'm worried about the real-life repercussions (such as not being able to get into yeshiva) so I can't just let him fail.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 1:51 pm
| Bnei Berak 10 wrote: | | Are there any consequences for irresponsible behaviour? |
We try - in a limited way (for e.g. he loses screentime on days he goes late to school), but if we gave a consequence for everything, he'd be getting consequences all day. As is, just scolding him puts such a strain on our relationship.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 1:52 pm
| giftedmom wrote: | ADHD is diagnosed through behavior so what do you mean “nothing showed up”? I’d take him for a second opinion.
Would also try to get to the bottom of what’s bothering him. No kid wants to fail. |
They run tests for focus, impulsivity etc. and he scored excellent on all.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 1:53 pm
| amother Rose wrote: | | He has executive functioning deficits, which come along with many diagnoses but can also present independently. Many of the same tips and tricks as managing ADHD. You can try an ADHD coach, or there are lots and lots of YouTube videos if you'd like to try incorporating some ideas on your own. |
I have tried things such as encouraging him to use a planner, etc. but they never last.
Any recommendations for an ADHD coach?
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mummiedearest
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Mon, Apr 15 2024, 2:07 pm
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My kids’ school employs an executive functioning coach. Consider calling your son’s school to see if they can recommend one.
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