Would you empty savings to pay for a bar mitzvah

lamplighter

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 9:39 am

If its not for now then you start saving for the bar mitzvah specifically from now. Put money aside for it and then when it gets to be the time, you see how much you saved and work out what you can afford.
I am not from Lakewood but the two options you described don't sound basic to me and I would not empty my savings to have something lavish. Lavish is for the rich and it's ok if we're not all rich (or appear that way).

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 9:40 am

Quote:

I don't know lakewood prices, but a weeknight event where I live (larger OOT city) costs a few thousand. Just the tickets to Israel would be thousands, not even taking into account lodging, food, and activities.

So no I would not empty an account. I have nothing against using some to make a simple something. But simple not standard and definitely not bringing the balance to zero. (we actually went against the norm and did my son's bo bayom in school--it cost 100s instead of 1000s and was so nice. The school was very supportive. We didn't specifically do it for monetary reasons but it worked out to be an added bonus.)

seeker

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 10:10 am

amother Magnolia wrote:

That’s not basic by Lakewood standards. That’s going all out majorly. But if you have stocks then you can use this savings. Basic is just doing a shabbos kiddush. Next level basic is just doing a simple weekday affair. Doing all that is lavish. A trip to Israel is only for the rich.

Depending on timing, family size,and things like if you have a relative to stay by, a trip to Israel could be similar in price to a weekday catered hall bar Mitzvah even on the low end. Don't do expensive activities in Israel.

Where I live a weeknight thing is very much standard, not sure which communities it isn't done at all. Even simple people make a simple weeknight thing. I've done all kinds of math on this and unless maybe you qualify for major chessed, which I'm not even sure is a thing, there's no way to do that under a few thousand dollars.

Trip to Israel if you go at a time when tickets are more reasonable is maybe 1000 each for the travel itself. Let's say you have 2 parents and 3 kids, that's $5000 for the ride, which is not quite enough for the bar mitzvah venue and food. 5 people isn't a ton, maybe they have relatives they can sleep by who would also do at least some feeding them (eg shabbos meals.) and no I'm not an entitled brat, I just happen to know that this is what my siblings in EY would want, they would be competing for us and we certainly would do the same when they come here. You do mostly free activities such as self guided walking tour of the Old City (I did this with a book in hand some years ago, it was beautiful. I'm sure there are websites that will walk you through too), visiting kivrei tzaddikim, a separate beach. Another $2000 should more than cover transportation and whatever food the hosts don't provide. Now you're probably spending on par with the simplest weeknight bar mitzvah. And instead of throwing it away on one night that most people don't really care that much about, you're giving your family a really meaningful experience.

Last edited by seeker on Fri, Apr 12 2024, 10:38 am; edited 1 time in total

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 10:19 am

amother OP wrote:

Not a fancier occasion than most people, but the “standard” Lakewood type of event- kiddush in shul, maybe some family for Shabbos, and a weeknight event catered in a hall. No major upgrades if any.

Alternatively if bar mitzvah boy prefers, a trip to Israel with family and a Shabbos kiddush.

No mortgage b”H, it’s paid off. We do have property taxes of course.

We have modest investments in stocks and real estate. I’d prefer not to sell if we don’t have to. We are setting aside the modest real estate income for the bar mitzvah so ideally that will be enough but I don’t know for sure.

This is not for now- it’s in a few years but I’m thinking ahead of time.

Not even sure what a typical Lakewood bar mitzvah costs incl kiddush and some family for Shabbos and a weeknight event. Hearing very different numbers from people.

Im not sure how you think either of those options are basic. Im seriously confused. How is a family trip to israel basic? And why the need for a kiddush AND a shabbat dinner AND a weekday event?

Sorry but none of that is basic.

amother

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 10:42 am

seeker wrote:

This. We have family there and we’d want to do a lot of visiting of tzaddikim and special places.

seeker

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 10:44 am

Can everyone name their community please because I do think shabbos plus weeknight is standard and I'm very much pro keeping things simple in general. I live in the NY area and have attended bar mitzvahs around the US.

I know two or three people who did not have a weeknight thing because the kid was very shy and really didn't want one. They still did Shabbos for his aliyah, and hosted close family (grandparents, some aunts and uncles, a couple of aunts and uncles brought their kids) so of course you need to feed the relatives who came to your neighborhood just for this.

But other than these few exceptionally unsociable boys, literally everyone I know even from the simplest families makes something on a weeknight. Doesn't have to be fancy but if you don't have a huge house then you do need to rent a hall, at minimum. Even if you have the wherewithal to cater it yourself, you still need to buy the food. You can get off cheaper but you aren't going to get away without any serious spending.

amother

NeonPink

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 11:09 am

I live in Crown Heights and we do not do a shabbos event. There is a kiddish that shabbos but it's not like a shabbaton where people find places to stay and have the meals together. Even the kiddush is not necessarily anything fancy. Sometimes a relative or few will stay for the shabbos (depending on when the actual bar mitzvah is) but there is nothing formal.

The bar mitzva event is a weeknight event.

amother

Camellia

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 11:18 am

Literally depends on the $$ amount. If we're talking about $15,000 which means a basic kiddush, cook urself mostly and a basic night event like in bnos bracha, no flowers, 1 man teenage band, etc, yes, I'd empty because you have to do what you have to do.

If you're talking about something that's 30k to 80k then no I would not empty it especially because if you have to empty your entire account then you actually cannot afford an upgraded event.
And yes, once you get upgrades in the hall, menus, food and the band and the nice flowers that you see posted on Instagram, & the kiddish that has pekalach, more flowers, miniatures, meat boards etc, it's min 60-100k.

amother

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 11:21 am

amother Camellia wrote:

I’m shocked at these numbers. I thought 100k is for a wedding (takanah Lakewood wedding, Sheva brachos, furniture…)

I would never do miniatures- biggest waste of money ever. Nor meat boards.
Band would depend on the rest of the budget ie if it made sense, otherwise I’d do a one man “band”
I could skip pekalach
I wouldn’t want barest minimum food, bec I want my guests to be well fed but not the most expensive either. Mid range.
Flowers- I guess it depends on if there’s room in the budget or not

amother

Viola

Fri, Apr 12 2024, 12:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

I just made a bo bayom, not in Lakewood but I think similar pricing and similar looking event to what I see when I go for Lakewood family. We had around 115 people, catering plus hall was $5k. This was a less expensive caterer but generous quantities of good tasting food, no Viennese table or dessert reception just a standard 4 course sit down meal. One man band was around $1k and another $800 for a photographer. I did flowers from a Gemach and they looked beautiful, everything else like tablecloths came from the caterer included in the price. Hair and makeup and clothing was probably another $1k. I’m not counting the bar mitzvah boys clothing hats etc which is a lot but that we would have bought either way and my other boys needed new suits anyways and I just pushed it off until the bar mitzvah. Also not counting tefilin which is a huge expense because that has to be bought no matter what kind of simcha you make.