TW: Sleeping guests for shabbos -child abuse safety

cookier

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 12:05 pm

I think it’s totally appropriate to keep the house-to-basement door locked as long as the guests have everything they might need (water, snacks, extra towels, toiletries, cleaning supplies etc) and an exterior entrance. Truthfully as a guest I would have preferred this as well. I also think it’s pretty typical nowadays with airbnbs. You could even put a chain lock on the guest-side of both doors so they feel safer as well. Then I’d just say “This is the door to upstairs, we do keep it locked, but there’s also a chain lock you should feel free to use if it makes you comfortable.”

amother

RosePink

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 12:18 pm

cookier wrote:

Even if they’re personal guests? OP said she was friends with the wife, it wasn’t a stranger…

mummiedearest

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 12:52 pm

I think there’s a missing puzzle piece here. Yes, most molesters are familiar ppl. I don’t know that locking your siblings downstairs when they visit is the answer. Do you speak to your kids regularly about personal safety? Keep communication open? Most predators look for what they can get away with. So if your child is living in a fatherless home with a mother who is a people pleaser/ can’t say no/can’t maintain boundaries, your child is more of a target than a child with a protective pair of parents in the home. If your extended family has serious boundary issues, there’s a higher risk. Trust is an important part of life, which means identifying red flags is an essential skill. Do you encourage your kids to include all children in their friend group, regardless of gut feelings? Bad move. Teach your kids to talk to you and to trust their own guts. Teach them healthy rules of behavior. Teaching them to fear all relatives is a bad idea. Go over lists of trusted adults from a young age and edit those lists as necessary. Let them know that if a trusted adult crosses specified lines, they are to be reported to you immediately and that they will be off the list if they do. Adults worthy of trust don’t act that way, no matter how much we love them.

Nothing we do can ever protect our children 100%.

Ruchel

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 12:54 pm

cookier wrote:

This is a type of space only the richest afford. Basically lodging for guests. I am unsure I can think of one person with this.

amother

Junglegreen

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 12:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

I listened to the Mendy Pellin interview of the child abuser and I’m wondering now, when I have sleeping guests at my house for shabbos, say I have a basement, do I lock the basement door at night? Do I have my kids sleep in my room?

The whole idea of a person going into my kids room when they’re sleeping is very disturbing to me. We don’t have random guests stay, I know all of them, but just wondering how to secure my family because the abuser said he was mainly related to the kids and went into their bed when they were sleeping. Any tips welcomed

We do have doors to the outside downstairs too so they can technically go outside to get inside but I don’t want to overreact either

I would never dream of locking a guest in. That's nuts.

What I have done is have young children come sleep with us. Older kids I tell to lock themselves in their own rooms (I have keys to all rooms if I need to get in for an emergency).

cookier

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 1:35 pm

amother RosePink wrote:

Even if they’re personal guests? OP said she was friends with the wife, it wasn’t a stranger…

I did a quick skim and missed that post, but yes I still think it’s appropriate. If the guests have kids, they should also be cognizant of who can access their own children. I would also appreciate it because I’d be most comfortable knowing my little kids couldn’t get upstairs into a house they’re not familiar with, and for my own privacy reasons. When I was single and staying in peoples’ homes I twice had children show up outside the room I was staying in without warning when they had no reason to be there. The guest suites were private areas away from the family spaces but with no locks between them. The first time was just kind of strange to find toddlers outside my door but no harm done, but second time I was unwell on Shabbos afternoon and dashed for the bathroom in my sleep shorts only to come out and find a kid standing there asking if I was having a bath and the mom right behind trying to catch her. embarrassed

cookier

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 1:45 pm

Ruchel wrote:

This is a type of space only the richest afford. Basically lodging for guests. I am unsure I can think of one person with this.

That’s true, but it’s the kind of space OP said she has. She said there’s an exterior door, several large windows, a door to the house, and that she’d put a refrigerator down there. I’m not saying she needs to add a kitchenette and plumbing, just something like a case of water bottles, some paper towels, a basket of snacks, a linen cabinet with the linens she presumably already has for the guest beds/bath, and a basket with a few basic toiletries. Mostly things she probably already buys but having them in the basement would set her guests up to be pretty self-sufficient at night.

amother

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 2:06 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I was not talking about siblings. I’m talking about shabbos guests

behappy2

Fri, Apr 05 2024, 2:46 pm

I think this is a bit much. Usually kids are groomed and it's easier to groom kids you know. So as long as you keep an eye and teach kids about safety and they know they can come talk to you and you are aware, it's highly unlikely to happen.