Psa - it’s not a help

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 7:51 am

amother Sienna wrote:

Unless it's pot luck style I never rely on a guest bringing something, so even if I ask / they offer I have back up options and the meal is full enough without it.

Great if they turn up with something extra, I'll just put it out with what I made. But if they say they're bringing something and they either forget, don't manage, bring it without enough time to heat it up, or don't bring enough for everyone - it's a problem.

There's one person who always invites me and ask me to bring a specific things, but never needs it. It makes really bother me, and makes me feel like whatever I made wasn't actually wanted or needed. Don't ask me to make something if you already plan on making the same thing. I am always happy to bring something for the hosts, but making me prepare something that you don't really want seems like you're sending me on a fool's errand.

If you want to make sure there's enough food, fine. But don't prepare the exact thing you asked me to make!

amother

DarkPurple

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 8:21 am

For the person who said it was not to make the hosts life easier-yes it is. When I bring something to someone’s home it is because I appreciate they having me and want to help alleviate some of their work and lighten their burden.

Tell me what you are bringing. I would have loved to get back that 1/2-45 minute I spent making the item and have had less of a mess to clean. I don’t have freezer space for the kugel/cake/challah I already baked (does everyone but me have a separate stand alone freezer-mine is packed with meat/chicken and I spend my life playing freezer tetras) and I am on a diet and not eating that during the week.
I would love to know I have one less thing to make. Maybe then I could polish my nails or help my DD blow dry her hair like she asks me. Or better yet, take on Shabbos a little earlier and be a little less frantic.

FYI, once I made brownies and BOTH my guests showed up with brownies as well. We had 3 trays of blondies. I didn’t serve mine-I think they just sat on the counter until I threw them out and the other 2 were each 1/4 eaten and then thrown out.

A different week 2 people both brought challah. I love fresh challah and I would have been most appreciative but was annoyed that they could have told me. I had gone to the bakery Friday morning, and errands I would have loved to skip and I wouldn’t tell you what I pay for challah in my neighborhood as it hurts my soul.

Realize, you are not telling them because you don’t know what time you have and don’t want to commit. The work you are not wanting to commit to you are inflicting on your host.

Yes it is proper for the host to decline your offer, but YIH are supposed to insist. Here is the conversation:

Hi, I wanted to invite you for Shabbos lunch?

Amazing, we would love to come. What can I bring?

Nothing, we’re so happy to have you, just bring yourselves.

No, seriously I’m going to bring some thing. What is the easiest for you, would you like me to make brownies or bring fruit?

You are so sweet, brownies would be perfect./Chani my 8 yo has asked me if she can make brownies so fruit would be great. Thank you. We are so excited for you to come.

(Alternatively ending-Chani is making brownies and the Klein’s are also coming and bring fruit so we are really covered but thank you so much.

You’re so silly. I’m not coming empty-handed. What can I bring?

It’s really not necessary.

I’m going to bring something. Is it OK if I bring a candy platter / a bottle of wine….?

Yes. Thank you. That would be lovely. We look forward to seeing you.)

amother

Offwhite

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 8:24 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

I have never been asked or have requested to make anything for a meal. As a guest I bring wine or chocolate by to host (although I recall previous threads where this was considered very taboo). As a host I just prefer to be fully in control of exactly what will be served. The only exception to these rules are sometimes when I go to close family and I will prepare something I know they especially like and will be happy to receive without necessarily telling them.

Same never heard of bringing a real food item unless it’s close family. My family I’ll ask my mom or sisters what I can bring to help them out. I guess different circles host differently

Wine is always appreciated!! Very Happy

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 8:34 am

amother DarkPurple wrote:

Sorry, we're not mind readers. And not every person you invite will be able to read your mind. If you tell your guests not to bring something when they offer, there's a good chance they might not bring something, or bring something unannounced. That's on you.

amother

RosePink

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 9:13 am

ora_43 wrote:

Agreed.

Having 2 desserts is mildly annoying, but not the worst thing.

Not needing to make dessert on Friday and having an extra few minutes to do something else is AMAZING.

So if you're a guest, why would you not do the AMAZING thing instead of the mildly annoying thing?

(multiple desserts are mildly annoying because extra unhealthy 'treat' food just clutters up the house. It's not a 'just eat it later' thing if you're trying not to eat sugar every night.) (but since I have older kids this one is easy, just invite a teenage boy over and boom, all unwanted leftovers are gone.)

Exactly. And this is a PSA for those who haven’t thought of that.

amother

Diamond

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 9:22 am

We're a young couple and get invited out every so often. If it's to a family, I'll bring chocolate covered pretzels or a candy tray. They can put it out by dessert or put it away, it's sealed.
If we're eating at another couple I'll find out what they want me to make and bring it. There have been times I was told not to bring anything, so I didn't. Why would I walk in with a salad if I don't know if they need it/like it/have allergies, etc.?
I think it's a bit socially off to bring a component of the meal without checking with the hosts first. An extra for dessert is fine IMO.
And while you think you're being all nice, it's possible that had you offered before, you would have saved the hostess time and money before shabbos so why wouldn't you want to do the bigger favor?

watergirl

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 9:44 am

amother Diamond wrote:

I will tell you, when someone brings something like chocolate covered pretzels, my family LOVES IT. It's one of those things that I never buy and they love.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 12:49 pm

We have allergies. We can't even have things we are allergic to on the table and it is so awkward when I say don't bring something, and then they bring something anyway and we have to refuse it.

If people want to bring something to help me, I really need them to coordinate in advance to avoid allergy issues. Even if they don't use common allergens - a relative once made challah and the ingredients were fine, but she had made it on the same baking sheet that she had made other things that I am allergic to the week before and hadn't washed it in between, and with anaphylactic allegies, we couldn't take a chance and couldn't even serve it. If she had just told me in advance, I could have reminded her what's needed for allergies and saved both of us unneeded effort.

And if someone wants to bring something because they have picky eaters, just say so and coordinate with me. Someone once brought a whole fleishig dish unasked the second time they came to us, and then they all ate a ton of their own food. I was actually embarrassed because I felt like my food isn't good enough for them and I also made more food and better food than I needed to, extra time and money on my part. If they had said something in advance, I would have felt better or at least not invested so much time and money in better food for my guests that they didn't eat much of.

Even if you want to bring something but only want to decide on Friday what it is, coordiante with me in advance about allergies or what is or isn't needed at the meal, and then no one's efforts are a waste and everyone eats well.

amother

Hyssop

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 2:19 pm

Can't we be a little more gracious as hosts in a situation like this? A guest showing up not empty-handed is a wonderful thing. Woudn't it be classy to just accept the kugel (or dessert) with a smile and say:

"Thank you so much, this was so thoughtful of you! I already made potato kugel for this week, so I'll put this in the freezer for next week, and now that's one less thing I'll need to do."

Or, you could serve both kugels and when you bring out her kugel, you could make a kind remark to the table, "Chani was so thoughtful to bring us a kugel, now there's even more for everyone."

Does it really hurt to be gracious and kind? It's not like she billed you for the extra food.

Seriously, if we've reached the point that we can't even handle people bringing us unexpected gifts, including food, we've gone too far.

amother

Charcoal

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 2:40 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

If I'm dealing with allergies, then sure I can be gracious. But possibly I can't put it out or offer to serve it another time

kenz

Wed, Feb 14 2024, 3:55 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

Relax. No one here took the proffered food item being gifted and smashed it in the offerer’s face. We are just saying how to make a nice gesture an even better one.