One spouse not knowing the finances (s/o Ami story thread)

Trademark

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:29 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Like I said before….it should never ever happen, but if god forbid something were to happen, we have friends and family who would step up to help me out.
And as someone else pointed out, he would be just as lost if something happened to me. He is not really involved in school, doctors appointments, services that our kids receive….

How can others help out when you don't have the passwords or don't even know about all the bank accounts and credit cards that exist?

Finances is very different than running the household, it's very hard for an outsider just to come in and help out without having any previous information.

I think only someone who has no idea how finances work can say something like this. I'm thinking about our finances I don't think an outsider would be able to help out that much, just thinking about mortgages and real estate, bank accounts in different countries, credit cards etc.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 1:34 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

If you know nothing about anything about your finances, how would anyone who is not part of your bank account or know your passwords etc, be able to help you? They literally would not be able to
And knowing about finances is nothing like knowing things that go one with your kids. But that being said, those things should also be shared. Not for only one spouse/parent.

snailmail

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 3:36 pm

Bills are easy to figure out after fact, but probably always worth it to list who its with & how it gets paid (automatic, manual, needs updating yearly etc) with login info.
I think more importantly is things that are finance assets. Take the time to list all your assets (bank accounts, investments etc) and access information (bank account numbers, copies of deeds, username & passwords etc) {along with todays value? - may be useful but not necessary}. Take all this info and store is a safe place (safe if you have one). Even if you are not the one dealing with it, at least you will know that you will be able to deal with it if CV"S situation arises and you will need to.
Similarly, household & childrens info that most often (the husband) one spouse doesn't know, write it all down & store in safe place.
Sounds easy to me - now I just need to take my own good advice and implement it too!

Rereading and thinking about it again, its probably a good idea to do even if you are single, or both spouse (spouses? sp?) know & already have access - just incase of being hacked & you lose your passwords to online accounts & banking.

amother

Coral

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 3:46 pm

Both dh and I were each handling our own finances before we got married.
He told me the one thing he'd like to be in charge of when we got married is our money. I said fine, but wanted complete access to all accounts as well, just that he would balance the checkbook and stuff like that.
Anyway over the next several years I realized he had no clue how much we had anywhere. We had the money (b"h savings accounts, investments, etc) but he never made sure our checking accounts covered our checks. A number of bounced checks later, I took it over though we both still have complete access to everything.
Actually, if I ch"v died, everything would be a mess because though I've showed him my excel spreadsheet with EVERYTHING, he doesn't take much interest in the nitty gritty. I don't think he is even aware of how many pensions, IRAs, 401Ks I actually have.
Good to know he didn't marry me for my money. LOL

amother

Brickred

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 3:53 pm

The Ami story doesn't need this spin off. It was so blown up and the details made so little sense. I kept thinking if the point was to not get swayed by other opinions or to teach us to watch for lying OPs but finances didn't even cross my mind. If a woman has no access to her bank accounts and her husband gets upset if she asks for it, that's a red flag right there that this is an abusive situation. It has nothing to do with one spouse handling the finances while the other stays out
My husband is great at handling bills and any other financial issues so I don't bother but I know exactly what goes on in our accounts.

amother

DarkPurple

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 4:14 pm

As someone who is very very bad at math, I never understood people who say they're not involved in finances because they're not good with numbers. It's not that hard! All you really need to know is greater than/less than (is what's coming in more or less than what's going out) and, contrary to what our teachers told us in school, we are, in fact, allowed to use a calculator in real life. I do understand one spouse being more involved in the financial stuff than the other, but I just cannot understand not being involved at all and knowing nothing. Again, I am bad at math too. Has no impact on my ability to manage finances. Ironically, in addition to being bad at math, I also make much less than my husband, but I am the one who manages 90% of the finances. I may be bad at math, but he's bad at paying attention, so I am better suited to the task.

zaq

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 4:21 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

If complete ignorance works, and the other spouse is not being controlled and/or abused, then it’s not inexcusable. Every couple has to do what works for them.

Oh, it's perfectly fine and works just great--until the one who handles it all dies, files for divorce or disappears. Then the one in the dark is up a creek without a paddle.

amother

Dill

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 4:40 pm

Dh is fully in charge but I have some idea as to what’s going on. I have the password and periodically log into 2-3 bank accounts and 2 CCs. God forbid if something were to happen there’s enough in there to keep us afloat long enough to figure the rest out, with the help of friends and his secretary who manages all the business accounts. Most of our bills are on yearly automatic payments, I think? Tuition forsure is.
It took dh a while to give me the login to those CCs and accounts. Our marriage has come a long way and he let go of a lot in regards to controlling and keeping everything close to his chest. Bh. I think we’ve got a nice balance atm.