If someone asks “HOW MANY kids do you have?”…

creditcards

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 2:21 pm

amother Green wrote:

Well, I have to say, the times I've been forced to say "No, I don't have any children" are uncomfortable and painful for me. I don't care if the questioner feels uncomfortable but yes, it makes the rest of the day very hard for me and yes, I remember each and every time that happened to me. I'm in my 40s for reference. I find your attitude so callous.
BTW someone's arthritis and weather issues hardly has the same level of lifelong grief associated with it and to use that as an excuse why there's nothing wrong with asking certain questions that have a potential to be extremely painful is ridiculous.

I hope it would become easier every time you are asked. I had many painful things in my life that I have to share in conversations. The first 20 times I held myself back from crying, eventually if you say it enough times it becomes easier, and now it's already second nature, it's justs fact that everyone knows, and it makes life so much simpler not to keep hiding things.

Of course I won't on purpose ask questions to hurt someone, but if it's a normal conversation, and it came out that way, that the person shared something painful then I wouldn't think it's the most terrible thing, it's a good chance to validate that person's feelings and maybe they want to talk about it to someone.

amother

Green

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 2:27 pm

creditcards wrote:

Look in the Torah to see the examples specifically of people who were admonished because they made people feel bad about lack of children. Obviously this is something Hashem wanted people to know is a challenge beyond many others.
This response doesn't do you credit. Yes, I forgave people who were just tactless and didn't mean to hurt me. But this response goes beyond tactlessness. Thanks for digging the knife in even deeper.
P.s. you aren't my therapist and I don't need a random stranger to "validate" my pain when actually they are the one compounding it. A simple apology would have sufficed. Don't bother with one now because I am not going to come back to this thread.

creditcards

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 2:29 pm

amother Green wrote:

When I said mature, I meant it for the questioner, not you. If an uncomfortable situation comes up, you can be mature about it and try to make the pained person feel comfortable, not just sweep it away as if nothing happened. When people feel visibly uncomfortable with me sharing something it makes me uncomfortable.
Of course not all people are the same and there will always be exceptions to every rule. In general I find that people like talking to others and not have everyone hide from them because they are going through something difficult.

Last edited by creditcards on Thu, Jun 15 2023, 2:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 2:29 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

I guess when I meet all of youse at a simcha or whatever, please state that you're from imamother and I'll just duct-tape my mouth shut and not engage with you at all because G-d forbid I should ask an innocent question like, idk, where did you go to school and you'll be sooooooo hurt because you were homeschooled and are embarrassed about it, or because you dropped out of school when you were 14.

Let me know when you're all big girls. Quit crying over a pricked finger as if it were a broken bone.

I think comparing not having children to a pricked finger is about as insensitive as it gets. If that's your barometer, then yes, duct-tape is not such a bad idea.

amother

DarkGreen

Thu, Jun 15 2023, 2:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

And you don’t want to answer, maybe especially to that particular person because you know it will stir up jealousy or ayin hara. How do you answer properly without using numbers since other people are around and you don’t want to be socially off.
I usually say. I don’t count. Or Baruch Hashem, with a smile. Any other tips. Do you freely answer these kind of questions.?

I am so sorry OP. I can imagine this question causes pain.
If someone asks me "where do your children live" I usually include my divorced son who lives in Israel. However, people are uncomfortable when I talk about him, even though he is my "joy", and a comfort just like my other children. But no one is interested.

I call small talk gaslighting. It is supposed to make you feel that someone has an interest in you, yet it often invalidates you and causes you to painfully question yourself.
hatzlocha!
may hashem heal your heart