Is this tacky? | Imamother

↑ vintagebknyc ↓

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 2:46 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Its about the whole picture.
Extreme Example. Not personal, just as an example: a certain couple more or less invites themselves for overnights. I am the hostess and in the end I cave in. Dh and the man used to be best friends until they married and moved away. I'm not that crazy about the other woman, we don't have much in common.
I tend to all their needs more and above. I cleaned the guest room. I made the beds with fresh linen and towels. I cooked better food than usually. I made a lot of things that I usually wouldn't have done.
If it's expected in the circles to receive a hostess gift and there is none, you bet I will order that expensive steak. Especially if I know the couple is kind of stingy.

I'm sorry, this is one of the rudest things I have ever read.

SixOfWands ↓

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 2:52 pm

vintagebknyc wrote:

Let's just say it wasn't thoughtful. (My mother always taught me to wait for the people who were paying to choose items, and find something in that price range.)

Yes, but ...

It may have been that the things in that price range simply did not appeal to her.

↑ vintagebknyc ↓

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 2:58 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Yes, but ...

It may have been that the things in that price range simply did not appeal to her.

So this is something I have some lifelong personal experience with, because I don't eat meat. And the fish entrees are always twice as much. It's actually ALWAYS an issue. So I order veggie options. There are ways around it.

Amarante

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 4:07 pm

Context is everything in terms.

If someone had stayed at my home for two nights and hadn't brought a hostess gift I would think they were tacky. I was *trained* that you bring something even for dinner. When I went on a sleepover in high school my mother would give me something to give to the mother of my friend.

Normally it is appropriate etiquette to NOT order the most expensive item on a menu but that is when someone is taking you out to dinner for an occasion typically - e.g. you are taking someone out to celebrate their birthday or other special occasion or for whatever reason you treat someone to a dinner out.

If you have hosted someone for two nights it means they have provided you with not just a "hotel room" but also food for two days AND have probably gone out of their way to be gracious hosts in terms of spending a significant amount of time with you.

Under those specific circumstances I would NOT be upset if my hosts ordered the most expensive item on the menu because they had been extraordinarily gracious to me. It isn't a question of tit for tat but that the circumstances would be a reasonable thank you for the hosts. I wouldn't even be upset if they did so if I had brought them a hostess gift.

WitchKitty

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 4:49 pm

vintagebknyc wrote:

Disagree, etiquette isn't tit for tat

I didn't look at the question that way.
but as- if OP didn't bring a gift, and a gift is expected, hostess was sure that this was supposed to be the gift, and not just a regular going out for burgers.

↑ SixOfWands

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 4:50 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

I agree she shouldn't have ordered the most expensive item but As someone above said maybe that's what she really wanted and would've been happy to pay for herself

It may even have been that there was nothing else on the menu that she would have enjoyed.

Congresswoman

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 4:54 pm

I disagree with many of the comments here. When you offer to pay you expect to pay. If you wanted to put a limit you should’ve done that before.
Don’t offer if you don’t feel willing to pay happily.
You shouldn’t even look at the receipt.

Cheiny

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 4:54 pm

BokerTov wrote:

They hosted you for free and you are annoyed she ordered something for $35 more than the other options?
$35 is a bargain for a 2 night hotel. Wink

(Not roasting, just giving you another perspective)

I disagree. It’s still in bad taste to order the most expensive item on the menu on someone else’s dime. It shouldn’t at all be considered like $35 for a 2 night hotel. Bringing them a gift for hosting is a way to thank them as well, but this action on the host’s part was indeed tacky and inconsiderate.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 7:09 pm

My opinion is that it was socially awkward on both sides. OP didn't bring a gift, the hostess didn't get "the feel of the room" about who was ordering what, and there wasn't much communication about expectations.

I'm sure we've all had instances where we didn't realize what was "done or not done in circles." Every steps on someone's toe by accident now and then. We may not even be aware that we'd make the mistake, because the other party was kind enough not to bring it up and embarrass us.

I'd consider it a lesson learned, and let it go. May it be the worst of your worries, and may you never be judged harshly.

↑ vintagebknyc

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 7:22 pm

WitchKitty wrote:

A gift should never be expected. Ever. What should be expected is good manners while guests are there, asking to help with meals or if offering to strip the beds at the end, and a thank you note. A hostess gift--while I would NEVER arrive without one--should never be expected.

And therefore, she shouldn't feel she has the right to "make up for what was expected" by ordering the entree.

ysydmom

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 7:38 pm

When someone treats me to a dinner out I always ask them if I can order anything or if there is a specific price range just to be on the safe side since I know how expensive going out to eat is. I think it's important to be careful and sensitive also on the other hand if the person treating is on such a tight budget why offer to treat in the first place? There is always a chance that the person you are treating will spend more than what you expect. I think it is just a matter of communicating beforehand say " I want to treat you to a dinner out to xyz place we are on a budget so let's stick to xyz pricing if you don't mind" I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Or just pick a cheaper place to eat like a fast food place instead of a fancy restaurant.

↑ justforfun87

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 7:45 pm

Honestly you guys are right. I'm the tacky one. Since I like to make excuses I feel the need to preface that I ALWAYS bring a host gift when I am not comfortable with the people or if I bring my family. Since they are our close couple friends I didn't even think of a host gift just to treat them to dinner. I would never show up to a shabbos meal empty handed. They didn't feed us the entire time we were there (again excuses) but they certainly gave us a warm bed in a tourist hot spot.

tichellady ↓

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 8:36 pm

Honestly, if this is your friend and they hosted you I would try to focus on the good, not the bad. Whether it’s tacky or not is irrelevant. Don’t waste your headspace on this. This is a friend who just hosted you. What does being resentful accomplish here?

↑ tichellady

Tue, Jan 18 2022, 8:37 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I don’t think it was a big deal that you didn’t bring a gift. I really think you are all fine here. Just continue to be friends and enjoy life. No need to sweat the small stuff