Twin moms HELP! Stressed about how I'll manage with twins!!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Twins, Triplets, and more

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amother

OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:12 am

So firstly, I'm super super duper excited to be having twins in a few months IY"H.

At the same time I'm starting to stress like crazy about how I'll manage.

My husband has a demanding job where needs to travel at times. He might be available to help on some days but I can't count on it completely.

I'm thinking of doing a nurse but I have a tiny 1 bedroom apartment and I can't handle when other people are in my space. So the idea of a nurse doesn't appeal so much but I know it's probably necessary, but I'm wondering for how long and if we won't go crazy from each other.

Plus I'm not this supermom person (these will be my first kids iyh) and things stress me out quickly.

I keep worrying how in the world I'm going to manage with 2 crying infants that need feeding and caring for around the clock.

Then there's financial worries. We BH have a normal income but definitely not extra. A nurse itself costs so much. Add up the equipment and other baby costs x2 and I'm stressing about the money.

Then there's also health concerns. What if one baby needs to stay in the NICU? We're also dealing with something in one of the babies that the dr. is not yet sure exactly what it is. What if one child needs extra medical attention?

Please calm me down and give me practical ideas.

Yeah, I'm a big worrier in general Wink

and all these overwhelming possibilities are not helping.

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:20 am

You're going to need help, especially if your DH will be traveling for work.
I don't know how you can have a baby nurse if you have a one bedroom apartment.
Do you have any family that can help? Any neighbors with big kids? Can you ask schools about chesed programs?
I don't think it's practical to expect that you will be able to manage on your own. You're only one person and you need sleep to function as well.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:23 am

Most things we end up worrying about don’t happen!!You will get the hang of it. Sounds scarier than it is. You will manage and at times even enjoy it. I will not say it’s easy but it’s definitely something very special and a nachas like no other. Try to get as much help as you can. A nurse is necessary first few weeks if your husband won’t be around. I don’t know if you will have a C section but if you do, you cannot be alone with twins without an extra pair of hands. Feel good! Try to distract yourself when you start to worry. A nurse can also teach you how much feeding they need and how to try to get somewhat of a sleep schedule for them. You can do one baby while she does the other. You can nurse a baby while she gives a pumped or formula bottle etc.

amother

Firebrick ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:28 am

One tip that you can start trying to internalize now:

Twins are born one at a time. They will need to do everything else one at a time also, and they'll learn to handle it.

Yes, there will be (at least) one twin crying at any given moment for a significant percentage of the first few months. But that's okay and normal. Practice (in your mind) offering verbal reassurance to the other baby: "I know, sweetheart, you're hungry too. After I finish feeding [sibling] I'll feed you too." "I know, you need a diaper change. I am going to first burp [sibling] and I'll take care of that as soon as I can."

Also, your needs are also important. Just pretend you're a triplet and take care of yourself too: "I know, darlings, you don't like when Mommy goes to the bathroom / takes a shower / gets a coffee. You're in a safe place, and I'll be back in 3 minutes." "That was hard, right? You didn't want me to go. I'm back now."

Crying is communicating a need, and it's neither avoidable nor should you be afraid of it.

I took a lot of pictures and videos of the first few months, yes even of the crying!

If you want practical tips for running your house when you have not even 5 uninterrupted minutes, I have a whole megillah to post Wink

B'shaa tova! My twins (now 9) are extremely delightful and the biggest helpers of my entire house.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:33 am

thank you firebrick, your post is very reassuring. Yes I'd love to hear practical tips as well.

To clarify DH will be home at nights but the question is about during the day if he'll be able to stay home and help me in the beginning.

About the nurse - I'm thinking that my option is to either have a 12 hr nurse only for at night (or perhaps during the day? since DH is there at night?) or 24 hours, but divided into 2 shifts since I do not have an extra room which a full day nurse would require.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:34 am

Also at what point would you say things started calming down? At what age?

tinyspark

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:09 am

My sister has 2 sets of twins besides for others kaH. Her first set were her first. would you like her to reach out to you .pm with contact info if yes.

amother

↑ Firebrick ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:19 am

TBH, I don't think a nurse is THAT necessary during the day. It's at night, when you need to sleep, where you really need a second pair of hands.

During the daytime, you often need someone to bring you a diaper / snack / cup of water / close the light / pass the wipes. It's frustrating when you don't have that someone, but you'll survive those moments ("she was ALMOST asleep!") without too much trauma.

Planning ahead (bring your water bottle before you sit down to feed the baby) will also help minimize that happening. I made sure to have a laundry basket, trash can, and basket with diaper supplies very close by as much as possible. Trying to make my meals as nutritionally dense as possible was also helpful - eat like a runner!

But at night, when you are desperate for sleep, and both babies need calming, a second person is really useful.

I had help the first week, but it was my sister helping with the older kids, not really much baby help. DH helped somewhat at night, but I was nursing and co-slept with both babies on a king-size mattress. I was so tired I'd sometimes find myself nursing a sleeping baby instead of the awake one and wondering through my sleepy haze why the baby was still crying!

It was a rough first few months for me, I'd say things started to get easier for me at about 3 months, when they started sleeping longer stretches and were more easily entertained.

Knowing that it would pass was key to surviving it.

Some run-the-house-when-you-can't stuff:
- Accept all help. Especially food. Never turn down an offer to change a diaper.
- Always, always change baby on a dedicated blanket or pad. Trust me! (I have lived on the edge and regretted it more than once...) Changing on a bed is IMHO usually safer, easier, and more comfortable than on a changing table.
- You can always skip a bath if you don't have energy. Your shower is a higher priority. Really.
- Rest whenever you can. Ignore the mess.
- Do not ever dirty a dish when you can use disposables. The environment will wait. Plastic tablecloths are a gift. Use them, and you will be able to clear the table in seconds.
- Have DH throw in a load of laundry every day. You may never be able to sort it or put it away, but life is better when you know that with some rummaging, you WILL find clean underwear.
- No cooking. Stuff that can be eaten straight from the fridge (yogurt, cheese sticks, precut fruit, etc.), from the pantry (crackers, rice cakes, chips, energy bars, etc.) or baked on a foil pan in the oven (fries, burgers, fish sticks, etc.). For the latter, only food that is forgiving! You WILL find yourself in the middle of feeding/changing/napping while the oven beeps. If DH is willing to learn, direct him in the art of making chicken and you can have chicken over potatoes, rice, or just with sauce. If he can make pasta, you can vary your menu even more. But DON'T waste your precious moments cooking (unless you love it!)
- I said this before, but make sure you have a garbage can and laundry basket in every room. That's most of the mess you'll be creating, and if it's in the right place you're way ahead.
- You'll have a lot of time to sit and be annoyed at mess that you can't clean. Try to ignore it, but if you can't, just write it down in a list that you might get to in a few months. Or hand the list to DH when he's in the mood, or to a cleaning lady when you get one.
- Take lots of pictures of the babies! That's the part that makes all the craziness worth it.

amother

Olive

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:38 am

Twins are always hectic .
Mine are 5 and it’s still two against one 🤪 but they are the most delicious things in the whole world and have the cutest relationship .
The number one tip I have is to as early as possible as soon as there weight allows ... have them in a Schedule . The same schedule for both. As hard as it is to feed two babies at once - it’s easier than feeding a whole day.

My twins are my first too.
It’s a huge adjustment. It’s allowed to be hard and yummy at the same time .

Another tip I can share ( don’t throw tomatoes at me - I just always wished someone had told me this )
These are your first . Especially if they end up in the NICU ..... or u have one home and one in NICU .... nursing is rly rly rly hard and stressful.
I’m not saying not to try... but if it’s causing more stress , just know it’s an option to formula feed and your babies will be just fine. 😀😀

amother

Bisque ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:47 am

My twins were my first so feel free to ask and I’ll put my username so you can pm me.

I had a night nurse who was in the living room. She was fine with it.
We got money for a night nurse as a gift and other nights we split the nights. I was home the whole day with them, and yes the beginning is tough but it gets easier with time. In terms of the NICU... one baby was there for close to three weeks over yom tov and we visited her once a day pretty much since I had another baby at home to take care of. It was hard but it is what it is.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 7:22 am

Call every high school in your neighborhood and request chessed girls. They generally come in pairs and can each take a baby while you nap\catch up on housework. The first few months are a blur, but after that it does calm down. Hatzlacha Raba and Mazal Tov!!👶👶

English3 ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 8:32 am

My twins are three months now BH. The first few weeks feel very long and overwhelming lots of visitors etc but they are small and usually eat and sleep. I bought a twinz pillow (UK version). This was the best investment I could put the twins in there, prop up a bottle and done.
I bought two different colour bottles for each so that I always knew how much they ate even if someone else fed them.
At night if I didn't have a nurse I took one and DH took another obviously if one was really difficult I took that one after all DH needs to work by day. I prepared three bottles each, three cream, three blue each filled with boiled water. I then took a hot flask up with a formula divider for each again colour coded (happens to be that one twin was on prescribed formula). At night it was easy pour hot water to right amount add formula and feed.

Roots

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:36 pm

no im not expecting twins so I cant really help, but this was so interesting!
also, is it possible for you to go to your mothers after birth?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:45 pm

thanks so much firebrick and everyone else for typing all that up.
I will only realize all the wisdom once I'm actually there, but I'm saving this thread to have in my pocket.

Firebrick, did you not have a nurse at all?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:46 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

you mean you had the night nurse only some nights?

and wow, that must've been rough the NICU part.
Who stayed with the other baby at home while you visited?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:50 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

thanks! I am really excited about the cuteness factor!
So true - "it's allowed to be hard and yummy at the same time"

Did one of your babies need to stay in the NICU?

And I definitely am open to bottle feeding though I plan to at least give breastfeeding a shot.

Have any of you twin moms managed to do tandem breastfeeding? Or is that totally unrealistic?

↑ English3 ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:52 pm

I had one twin in th NICU for two weeks. Bikur cholim organisation had a woman look after my other twin. The hardest part is that it is covid and only one parent can go at a time. Now is the time you should Daven you will be so much happier to have them with you together. Just know you will have time for yourself as well, don't think that you will be busy every second.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:58 pm

English3 wrote:

mazel tov to you!

so smart the color coded bottles. And the night system. But don't understand completely.
You prepared the hot water before in the bottles and then how did you heat them? What is a formula divider?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:59 pm

English3 wrote:

oh, wow that's amazing from Bikur cholim. Yes I certainly pray for them both to be healthy and ready to come home together.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 2:00 pm

Any of you went to a kimpeturin place and found that helpful to start you off?

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