Ashreinu | Imamother

Beinoni mommie

Tue, Mar 01 2011, 3:02 pm

Ashreinu.

Right.

Ashreinu.

No really, ashreinu. but wow, is bed time a killer. There has to be some trick, something to put you over the edge as you climb the mountain towards bedtime. Someone told me once it was a glass of wine. I would love that, but that I can’t really do in front of the kids and taking a slug after every demand, request, complaint and nag would make me a closet drinker. It’s bad enough that I am a closet chocoate eater. But that is not for now.

I tried green tea at melt down time today. You know, 4: 00. It was actually 3:00, after the after-school rush. The time right before crunch time. It’s the time when the kids come home and you are slammed with several of the following attitude each with a slightly different twist; the “I am tired, happy to see you mommy, but get out of my face cause I am hungry and moody attitude.” Actually two green teas I had. They definitely got me off the couch. I had plotzed after I tried to feed the older ones unsuccessfully, made my veggie juice (hoping that would work) fed the husband and dealt with a tired three year old and a very hungry one year old who didn’t want to eat anything. But the drinks didn’t quite cut it.

So then I moved on to a cacao concoction, a healthy chocolate treat which has all the benefits of chocolate without the calories or sugar and with that I went into a higher gear up the mountain. However, the bumps and thorn bushes along still got to me. The naked three year old running out the door when the older ones’ friend went home, the floor once again a wreck again this time with dinner that the baby pulled off the stove (thank G-d it wasn’t hot) and the baby crying again because someone slam-dunked her to the ground scratched at my insides and I felt my blood start to boil and heard my voice getting higher.

Is it a lack of bitachon? What about simcha? Maybe if I was just a little more shtark I would be able to take all this in stride. So what that the floor is covered with stickers right after the cleaning lady came. And whats the big deal if all the new beads that I bought are all over the floor. It doesnt hurt THAT much when I step on them.

And then came bedtime.

Its a comic scene. Really. All laughs on the mother. The endless requests, ALL AT THE SAME TIME, for drinks and pishy, blankets on with a backdrop of the baby constantly jumping out of the bed and a hungry mommy…come on, it would drive anyone crazy.

I didn't do bad, but I could have done better. I really wonder what the percentage was.. I don’t think, no I am sure I didnt make the 80/20 mark. 50/50 would have been nice.

I used the tools. When I was losing it, I told them, “Mommy is sitting down now and breathing so she can calm down.” That lifted my daughters eye-brow but my son could haved cared less. Then I kept thinking, “Keep your voice down, it will keep you calm, voice down mommy, voice down.” I did that too.

But why am I walking away so exhausted? I still would love to just jump under the covers with a good chinuch book. I would love a cigarette. I would love a glass of wine. And I can’t do any of those. And shucks, I say to that.

It is such a draining job. But maybe that is the bracha in it. (Now, imagine the sing-song gemara tune)… Because our job is so draining, this is how Hashem gives us the opportunity to connect with Him in so many ways…

Bingo.

Is this it? Is this the answer…

When we learn His Torah and do His mitzvos we can stay above the ”diapers and the throw-up.” And two, since our body is on loan from Him we have to take care of it and by doing so we reap all the fringe benefits. ”Get the massage, and a pedicure and acupuncture,” Hashem says. ”Do it for me, and do it for you.”

Yes, its hard. Its really really hard. But now as I look at all these sweet, sweet faces as they sleep I say, ashreinu. Ashreinu that I am a jewish mommy, a chassidishe mommy. I have reached the top of the mountain tonight. And I am holding my hands out, wind blowing in my face, sun beating down swaying to the pulse of the One. I might not have scored big tonight. But I didn’t lose points either. And so I have won.

Ashreinu.

Beinoni mommie

Tue, Mar 01 2011, 3:53 pm

thanks ladies... and to nechami this is what happened this morning...

my kids are waiting for me at their jackets on and bags in hand. I had to remove myself from the situation. I have no reserves to draw from. I am tired; had two kids in my bed last night. Who knows why. I woke up and swore that I am buying a mattress for the floor for the one who constants our room every night.

I feel it in my chest. I can’t get it right with any kid this morning. The hasa’ah was waiting and I just couldn’t do it; run out all frantic to make it. There was no love this morning. I couldn’t. I am so angry now. I hate when I am like this. I have to take them now. Try and make up for the lost morning. I don’t think it will scare anyone but it didn’t carve any memorable faces in their minds like Yosef had of Yaakov.

What could I have done better? How could I have fixed the situation. Brainstorming here…lunches…clothes…belongings…that would have made it so much easier. and hey, they can even do these things…got to make charts. the ruchnius they are not hitting… morning routine…evening routine…mitzvah notes…

time to put on some music. wow. a patient observer…she said we have to be…so we can react and act towards each interaction with calm and sense…nearly impossible, no impossible when you are not nourished.