If your child went off the derech

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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would you send your child away from home (g-d forbid) if they went of the path of Torah?

No, I would not

93%

[ 60 ]

Yes, I would

[ 4 ]

Total Votes : 64

BasHashem ↓

Tue, Feb 01 2005, 5:21 pm

I am just wondering how others would handle such a hard situation,

what would you (meaning as a family) do if your child went of the derech g-d forbid.

BasHashem

Last edited by BasHashem on Tue, Feb 01 2005, 10:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

gryp ↓

Tue, Feb 01 2005, 5:24 pm

it depends on the situation of course. there are so many factors involved when a child ch"v goes off, I dont think theres one answer.

personally my last choice would be to have to tell him/her to be on their own from now on, but you know sometimes parents dont have a choice, the child leaves on his/her own accord... Crying

Tefila ↓

Tue, Feb 01 2005, 5:24 pm

I hope and pray it shouldn't happen to anyone I know. But my advice would be to speak to a rav or mashpia b/4 doing anything rash!!!!!

ForeverYoung
Guest

Tue, Feb 01 2005, 7:09 pm

yep, to the Rav we go!

it depends on the situation,
and how other kids are influenced

lucy

Tue, Feb 01 2005, 8:33 pm

I know someone who there child went off the derech and IY"H they will come back!
The parents attitude was that I want my child at home, and that way they have somesort of I don't know what would be a good word controll? of them. Also this parent has a very good communication with this child (adult in theri twenties) so that is soooooo important. But it's a very hard desciopn bc the other children could get affected in a negative way as well, or a positive way too!

↑ BasHashem ↓

Tue, Feb 01 2005, 10:34 pm

When you guys mention depends on the situation, it makes me believe there is a possiblity that you would. We should never know from such stories, but what In your opinion were warrent a parent to send a child away.

I had the pleasure, ok the experience of meeting a group of chassidish boys with long payous, (not chabad) who we not completly doing what they were supposed to be doing. they were all very nice yadah yadah, but some told me they were rebelling to prove a point to their parent of community. One in paticular who did not have payaous, and whom did not look even jewsih spoke to me with a very strong hungerian accent, he told me that he was totolly off the dereach and still lived at home.
I was very glad to hear his paretns didnt send him off, but wondered how it effect the rest of his family?

I asked them when they first starting having these rebelious feelings, they said around 14 but didnt (sort of say) come out the closet, till 17.

My oldest is a boy and he will be 15 soon, bh we see alot of nachus from him. I wonder if anyone one esle worried about their childern.

I feel like I am blabbiling ...

BasHashem

Pearl

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 10:06 am

No, you are not babling...

I personally can't think of anything my child could do which would make me show him/her the door, HV"S! I hope of course that I will never be tested..... Confused

but if HV"S a child of mine decides to walk a different way of life, the other kids will be strong enough not to walk in the same direction.
But to close a door on a child? HV"S!!!!

zuncompany ↓

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 11:47 am

I just read Against the Wall. It is on this topic and gave us a lot of food for though. Its a novel, but its based on a lot of research and on real boys and families. I highly recommened it.

sara

↑ Tefila ↓

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 12:24 pm

Sara whose it by and where can one buy it?

↑ zuncompany

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 12:31 pm

Its by Ruthie Pearlman and we bought it directly off the feldheim webpage. Its printed by Targum/Feldheim.

sara

sarahd ↓

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 1:31 pm

My cousin has a son who went completely off the derech - shaved head, alcohol habit, drug abuse and all - and she has not thrown him out of the house and has no plans to do so. This is in consultation with Rabbonim. She is scared stiff that one of her daughters, and perhaps other children, will be influenced by him, but keeps him nonetheless. She did set some rules, I.e. no chilul Shabbos in front of his siblings, no drinking or drug taking at home. When he accused her of setting these rules because "all you care about is your reputation," she was able to answer, "Bubbeleh, if we cared about our reputation, we would have bounced you long ago." It has been a long and tragically heart-breaking journey for the whole family, but there are signs of hope and he is in rehabilitation last I heard.

↑ BasHashem ↓

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 2:15 pm

Sara, thank you for sharing that story, and thanks the other sara for the book suggestion.

BasHashem

Sunshine

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 4:50 pm

Sara I also read that book recently! It is a very moving book and I highly recommend reading it.

Henya ↓

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 7:59 pm

There's a story of a boy who was a rebel, big time! His father was a very respected & looked up to individual in the community. This boy used to purposely stand in front of his house on his motorcycle on Shabbos when he knew his father wuold be passing by with other individuals etc... The father asked the Rebbe if he should send him out of the house so that he shouldn't influence the other children. The Rebbe answered, if anything, throw the other children out of the house! This child needs you the most!

↑ Tefila ↓

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 8:18 pm

Quote:

The father asked the Rebbe if he should send him out of the house so that he shouldn't influence the other children. The Rebbe answered, if anything, throw the other children out of the house! This child needs you the most!

Wow blew my breath away........
How do you know this I mean, is it written anywhere in letters or advice to the Rebbe! Smile

Most times when teens rebel, if tolerated and still shown love and helped with guidance from other people, not parents they will usually come around!!!

Since I've seen 3 cases of this!!!

↑ Henya

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 8:23 pm

Sorry! A small detail has to be corrected. The son would stand outside shul when he knew his father would be coming out with other choshuveh people.

↑ Tefila ↓

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 8:57 pm

Poor father, this wasn't just a rebel situation he must've been mad at his father.
You know alot no not, all cases I've seen or heard about is b/c the fathers would hit, for every disameanor.
Can't be all these rebels are wrong now, can it????

↑ BasHashem

Wed, Feb 02 2005, 11:37 pm

henya what an awsem story,

Our Rebbe, so musch wisdon Sad

I think that story should be publisied maybe in the neshi news letter ( a chadab women's magazien) maybe it should be there every month.

Thanks for that, I would love to hear more stories like that.

bashashem

Rochel Leah

Mon, Feb 07 2005, 10:50 pm

As a mother, I wouldnt want to send my child out of home as he is still my child, no matter what happens I and him /her need each other. The REbbe story is amazing, showing how importnant that those kids need our love the most.

Rivka

Tue, Feb 08 2005, 11:41 am

I think it would be worse if a parent threw their kid out due to their rebellious habits. Basically the child will see they are only wanted when they do what parents want them to do, so nothing to make them come back.
Also I think for a child to go off so bad there has to be a reason and mainly it is anger and also dissapointment. So maybe if parents picked up a communication with their children before things go pear shaped it would be better off for everyone.

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