Bad therapy - ami | Imamother

amother

Canary

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:33 am

She is wayyyy too dismissive of trauma and its impact.

I found pure CBT to be invalidating and it just made me feel worse for not being about to “think my way out of” being anxious, triggered, etc. Especially because if you practice and practice the skills and still struggle, the CBT mentality as I experienced it is a variation of “well you must not have tried hard enough!”

Of course there are bad therapists but there are plenty of really good, competent and effective pros as well.

amother

Dahlia

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:39 am

I really didn't like the article, but then I'm not into gentle parenting and don't really know too much about it beyond what I've read on imamother.

She seems so angry and I'd love for her to go to real therapy to figure out why she cares so much about what gentle parents do or don't know.

Also she absolutely does not understand trauma.

I think it will be interesting to see how the next generation turn out. The ones who's parents have gone to therapy and are in the process of healing.

amother

Azalea

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:47 am

amother Dahlia wrote:

Please watch an actual interview with her. She comes across as incredibly compassionate

And the last paragraph is actually her point. In the frummer world, we might be behind, but we are actually currently seeing the results of the generation of parents who have gone to therapy. And it's not good. In any metric.

Also she's not nearly as anti therapy for adults than she is for children.

amother

Navy

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:50 am

heretolearn wrote:

This woman has no credentials and is just writing based on her speculation and personal beliefs. I doubt she ever went to therapy herself so she doesn’t know half of what the truth of therapy is. She is misleading people into believing that therapy is bad for you and uncovering and talking through traumatic events creates the trauma. Trauma comes out whether you acknowledge it or not…

While there are many incompetent therapists out there, many aren’t. People like to focus on the bad ones and don’t see the full picture.

Your issue is that she's never been to therapy. You need someone who's been to therapy to tell you it's bad? Here goes! As someone who's been to therapy her entire childhood till I got married and out of my mothers craziness let me tell you. Yes! Therapy is bad even the"good" ones. Seeing the issues where there are none no there's no reason why I drew a red house with blue Windows. No I'm not suicidal for that. (True story)
No a 9 year-old who lied to her mother about brushing her teeth or having homework is NOT a chronic liar. It makes you feel like their a liar because your discussing it with the therapist again and again and again till it feels like all the person does is lie.

amother

Moccasin

Sun, May 19 2024, 1:50 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

I really liked what she had to say and It really resonated.
There is a lot of truth in what she said and I think that as a culture we need to pivot back to more of that style.
She clearly said that therapy has a place for real mental health issues.

Exactly!!!!

amother

Pearl

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:01 am

happyness wrote:

I think she’s pretty ignorant to say the bolded. And someone upthread echoed something similar about her.

If trauma isn’t healed it will come out until dealt with.

It isn’t a choice we make-‘ oh I’m going to grow instead of suffer from xyz because I was severely abused as a child ‘

Trauma is no joke.

The way people think about trauma these days is based a lot on the book “The Body Keeps the Score”. Abigail debunked that book and its author in her new book, and her arguments were pretty convincing to me. I really recommend getting her book out at the library. It’s a gamechanger.

amother

Valerian

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:03 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

What I got out of what she said was that abused kids have a harder time cutting out the abusive parent. They have a harder time cutting off a parent. she was not saying that they should get over it at all. she was specifically talking about the ease of cutting off.
In my experience dealing with lots of people that is accurate not 100% of the time but mostly.

So validating to read this! Thank you!
Gotta show it to my husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

amother

Pearl

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:04 am

[quote="amother Kiwi"]

amother Pearl wrote:

I I have a CBT book and I read it every now and then when I’m having unproductive thought patterns.

Can you please share which CBT book is recommended?

I use the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It came out in 1980, and popularized CBT as a modality.

amother

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:08 am

amother Canary wrote:

have you read her book?
I wonder if she's a logical personality type

amother

Eggshell

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:37 am

She has no training or experience in this field. She is a journalist. She speaks in a very inflammatory and extreme way in order to get people to buy her book. While I think people may take gentle parenting too far she swings too far in the opposite direction. And I worry that she will scare people away from therapy who really need it based on how she portrays things.

amother

Pearl

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:40 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

She quotes respected psychologists and studies throughout her book. It’s not just her sharing her own thoughts.

But I do agree about her swinging too far away from gentle parenting. She sounded too okay with spanking. Definitely raised my eyebrows.

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, May 19 2024, 2:41 am

amother Dahlia wrote:

Have you seen those maniac college students acting up lately???

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, May 19 2024, 5:30 am

amother Pearl wrote:

In the article she literally wrote that she doesn’t agree with spanking

amother

Mintcream

Sun, May 19 2024, 6:28 am

amother Pearl wrote:

She brought research that disproves Dr. Van Der Kolk's? I'm highly skeptical

amother

Canary

Sun, May 19 2024, 7:33 am

amother Eggshell wrote:

This!!

A decade ago I desperately needed therapy and was resistant to it. It really helped me and I’m in a much better place now than before I started. Had I read her book then, I doubt I would have gone to therapy and honestly might not be alive today (SI).

amother

Canary

Sun, May 19 2024, 7:35 am

amother OP wrote:

have you read her book?
I wonder if she's a logical personality type

Yea I read her book. She raises some good points (teachers therapizing students with the SEL stuff), but she completely dismisses the impact of trauma on people and the importance of dealing with it effectively.

I also found her tone really abrasive and inflammatory.

ectomorph

Sun, May 19 2024, 7:36 am

amother Azalea wrote:

I watched a lot of her interviews. I did not find that at all. They are quite nuanced. If I had to summarize her positions quickly it would be:

1. Therapy has risks. Just like any other medical intervention. It's important to acknowledge them. It seems like the mental health professionals usually deny them or tremendously down pay them. It's important to weigh the benefits and risks of therapy

2. Children are especially vulnerable to the harms therapy can cause, and the benefits are usually harder to reach.

3. The current mental health structure incentivises therapists to treat children who are well rather than those who are genuinely mentally ill. (I know this to be true in the frum world. It's extremely hard to find frum therapists willing to deal with children with severe OCD, eating disorders or who are violent etc. )

4. Parenting has been therapized. Studies show that authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting has the best results in producing healthy successful children (and btw, have the best relationships with their parents as adults). The current gentle, or therapudic parenting is even worse than the permissive parenting of the past, because at least permissive parenting gave the child true independence. Parents should foster independence and resilience in the children.

5. Harping over feelings, wether in parenting, or at school with social emotional learning, is unhealthy and leads to anxiety and depression.

This is a very short overview of her conclusions.

From someone who just finished reading the book, this is an excellent summary.