Waking ds 17 | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:47 am

I’m losing my mind
He s impossible in the morning. Won’t wake up. Says he’s up and goes back to sleep. Most kids when they see their late jump out of bed. He has no s use of responsibility in general and the morning are the worst. I have a houseful if kids and I have to be busy with him. He misses his bus. Misses minyan etc. I care to much and I wake him up again and again. I am so stressed about this
Shabbos morning is a nightmare. My husband leaves to shul with the other kids and I keep waking g him for the next minyan and at 9:30 he’ll still be in bed after the last minyan started. He ll roll in to that minyan 10:15 and that’s it iyH so much frustration on my part

I know most of you will say to just let him wake up on his own but he doesn’t. He’s a tad sad or adhd and doesn’t care about time management or doing what he needs to do

I can’t stand the thought of him missing minyan. It eats me alive . I have other boys under him and don’t want to make it ok.

My mornings have turned me into a nervous wreck and my shabbosim so much more.

Please tell me what has word for your child if he was lke this

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:48 am

I can’t punish him , he s 17.

He essentially wants to. But then doesn’t. He is on low dose Ritalin , not sure of that changes anything. He s not a go getter motivated type. Claims he was never woken up even though he clearly says I’m up and even sits up. It’s a bad habit he got into.
He’s generally happy in yeshiva but not pushing himself either. Just doing. this area is his sore point. I want to help him help himself but also not push him in a direction . Where he gives up because that’s his type - path of least resistance and effort . ( he’s also the type that when he’s not in yeshiva like shabbos he won’t learn or learns for five minutes because now’s his time to chill and even though it bothers me to no end I can’t push him , it’s his choice )

amother

Fern

Yesterday at 9:49 am

I can relate.
But my son wants to get up, he's just tired and the logic isn't kicking in
He gets home at 11, eats, showers, etc, never in bed before 12:20. Waking up at 7 for minyan is legitimately hard.
We rotate different volume and alarm and vibration noises. And he needs to tell me the night before how frequently and to what extent I need to wake him. (Meaning he needs to ask me for my help).

But you seem different. He doesn't want to want to get up. I don't think you can force motivation.

amother

Charcoal

Yesterday at 9:50 am

OP, I have sons who also struggle, thought not on Shabbos, they enjoy going on Shabbos but school is a nightmare but the reason I bother is because they really do want to get up on time.. Lucky their school is very easygoing about this. My oldest went OOT (our town unfortunated doesn't have any very good Yeshiva) and being in a dorm has really helped him become more responsible about waking up.
But if you're son isn't motivated to get up then you need to see how you can change that. Consequences? Reward? Does the Yeshiva give any consequences? IY"H this will just be a passing stage.

ETA: I see you already explained while I was typing this out...

amother

Chartreuse

Yesterday at 9:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Too old to punish? Yet you're treating him like a little kid, trying to push him out of bed instead of letting him deal with the consequences of not getting up.

I don't have any good answers for you (and believe me I feel and understand your frustration) but repeating and repeating something that isn't working is silly. So stop and maybe see what happens. I know when I was a teen I was stubborn and would sometimes refuse to do something, even if I actually wanted to do it, if my parents were pushing me too hard towards it. So just stop and see what happens and then re-access.

amother

Plum ↓

Yesterday at 9:58 am

Have an open discussion and then stick to plan.
'Listen berel. I love you. This morning routine isn't working for me or for you. I hate being your nag. I want to be your mother and share nice experiences.
What should we do here?
I'm happy to wake you but not for xzx amount of time, thus is so fusturating it starts both our days on a really bad note."
Work out a plan together

Getting up in am is very hard. Does he have something to wake up to that he's responsible for or looking forward too? A long school/yeshiva day is a total drag especially if there are any learning or social emotional difficulties. Can ge have a responsibility that he needs to be on time for? Opening yeshiva kitchen? Mashgiach? Key to Aaron kodesh? Something to give his morning meaning and get the fire going?

amother

Indigo

Yesterday at 10:04 am

Sounds like my son without the ADHD. You need to let go. His behavior cannot ruin your morning or you're letting him control you.
I wake him once if at all. It's not my responsibility, it's his. Sometimes he'll wake up at 11:00 or even 2:00. He has a principal and a mashgiach to answer to. I let them deal with it.

amother

Amethyst

Yesterday at 10:10 am

Sounds like my DH who has a circadian rhythm sleep disorder and is on adhd meds his ideal bed time is around 03:00 doesn’t work if you are forced to do netz minyanim , this makes he is really a slow starter. Now he is davening mornings with the latest chassidic minyan that works for him.

mha3484

Yesterday at 10:38 am

Do you think he's depressed? I ask because I have a young teen who had some rough years in the morning and this year he got a new class and a new rebbe and his overall mood is just so much better which has led to much better mornings for him. I feel kind of dumb that I didn't put the two together in the past. I used to think he was a heavy sleeper and was constantly stressed he couldn't get to minyan on time but I think he really just had nothing to look forward to all day.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 11:48 am

mha3484 wrote:

No he likes yeshiva and his rebbeim and always comes home happy BH
I think it’s a maturity responsibility piece
I know for mossy kids it works to just say you’re old enough , do this on your own etc but he s a sensitive soul and I’m afraid that if I do that he ll just fall into a bad place of sleeping in .
I’m a super punctual responsible person so this literally eats me up. I have so much stress from this and I don’t want to pass it on to him or the rest of the household so it’s literally affecting my mental health.

Hashem_Yaazor

Yesterday at 6:20 pm

Ask him what he wants.
Follow it.

My Rav told me to let my boys sleep unless they ask for assistance in being woken up.

But set limits. If he wants to be woken up by you, you can say you'll come up to three times every 10 minutes but after that you're done trying.... Or whatever limit works for you. Don't let it become your problem.

Fox ↓

Yesterday at 7:01 pm

Woah! Before going down any other path, he needs a sleep study and a consultation with a neurologist who specializes in sleep issues.

Maybe it really is just a maturity/responsibility issue, but if it turns out to be more, you'll be glad you didn't destroy your son by treating a medical problem as a personal failing.

And, yes, it's possible for a sleep disorder to initially present on weekends or vacations . . . only to become more intrusive over time.