Someone is "stealing" desserts (or, help my son

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 10:46 am

I have a freezer downstairs, in a room off the basement. One of the things I keep in it are desserts -- desserts that I've made ahead of yom tov, or if I double a recipe for Shabbos one week, I'll put the other half in the freezer for a future week, etc. Also if we make a batch of cookies and eat a lot of them but there are some left, I freeze them and we pull a few bags like that out another week for a sort of "buffet dessert" with a few different options.

This past Shabbos, my husband went downstairs to get a few bags for this sort of "buffet," and one of the bags was almost completely empty, with only a bunch of crumbs left. That was strange, as we normally wouldn't freeze a bag unless it had a decent amount (at least maybe 5 cookies?) in it.

Then today I noticed that there were a few cupcake wrappers in the basement garbage can, the kind of wrappers that I used recently to make muffins for yom tov. We didn't eat any of them yet, and they're a pretty distinct type of wrapper.

So someone is eating from my downstairs freezer. I have a couple of teenage boys, one of whom I'm sure it was not (he doesn't snack like that, is not a big eater). The other one does eat a lot, but I stock up on snacks that he likes and he's welcome to eat them whenever he wants, as long as he's not tempting the younger kids (toddler and preschooler) right before dinnertime or something. So I really hope it's not him, I hope he'd just let me know that he's craving something different and ask me to get it for him.

That would leave my sixth grade son and elementary-aged daughter, since my toddler and preschooler are too short to reach the freezer (and would have more of a mess if they tried to eat down there anyway). I feel awful saying this, but I'm guessing it's my son. He's kind of...a secretive type. I don't know how else to say it. He has a hard time communicating with me when something is bothering him. I have to notice on my own and very very gently encourage him to talk to me, and sometimes even then it can take weeks for him to open up. Recently I noticed that something seemed to be bothering him, and I mentioned it to him and asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about, sometimes talking it out could help. (Last time this happened it was about a year ago, and he was having some issues with a kid in his class...B"H, we addressed it and all has been well since then as far as I can tell.) He didn't bite, said everything was fine.

I'm torn about how to address this now. If I just say "Did you take anything from the freezer?" I know he'll feel all defensive and be forced to lie and deny it, so that's not an option. Of course, there's always the possibility that it's not him. And maybe there's something else bothering him, and taking the treats is just a symptom? How do I get a kid like this to open up?

The other option I can think of is to tell him that since he's getting older, he might get hungry at night (that's just a guess about when he's doing that), so I want to let him know that he's welcome to take a snack from the pantry at night if that ever happens. And then see if the sneaking stops. But again, if there's something underlying that's bothering him, that will just be a bandaid, not really helping whatever is bothering him.

Also, it really bothers me that he can't communicate when something is wrong, that he bottles it up like that. It's not just that he won't talk to ME, I understand that I'm his mother, and he's turning into a teenager, and teens often don't turn to their mommies for help. But if something is bothering him, say, about a good friend, he won't tell them about it. It's like something is stuck and he gets so nervous about it. I don't see anxiety in him in general, just when it comes to communicating his feelings. Is this normal preteen boy? (His older brothers are not like this -- one of them gets a bit anxious about talking with friends but is very open with me and dh, and one of them is very confident socially and shares his feelings without even thinking twice, sometimes a bit more than he should...)

I'm sorry for this whole megillah. I guess it's not really about taking treats. It's about how to help my son. I know communication is so important for his future -- for friendships, work, family, and iy'H marriage -- and I wish I could help him in this area. Open to any ideas...

amother

Freesia

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 10:50 am

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about who it is, also I wouldn’t read too much into it. It sounds like someone has a sweet tooth, I’m not sure why it comes across as having this whole deeper meaning..

But I would just make a family announcement that everything in the freezer is for yomtov and please nobody eat anything. There is a pantry of snacks if anyone wants instead

amother

Seashell ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 10:52 am

Please don't think that you're the only one with this issue. Both with eaten things from the freezer and with the difficulty with communication.

You can tell him that he is free to take things from the freezer downstairs but he needs to throw the wrappers in the upstairs garbage. And you can tell him that you know it's difficult for him to speak what bothers him but that you are his mother and you want the best for him and that he can trust you with whatever he wants to say.
You must be careful never to blow up on him when he tells you disturbing things, because then he's never going to want to open up to you.
Tiny baby steps is considered progress.
Hugs and lots of hatzlocha! Daven daven daven

amother

Cyclamen

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 10:53 am

amother Freesia wrote:

This exactly. Since you don’t know for sure who it is, don’t accuse anyone, just say “I’d just like to remind everyone that those are for yontif, please don’t take, we have options in the pantry if you’re hungry”

amother

↑ Seashell ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 10:54 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

They know that there's food in the pantry, the obviously want the ones from the freezer. You may as well give the person permission and not have them leave a wreck while they are at it.

mizle10 ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 10:54 am

I don't either see this as a big deal. Just a loud general reminder that baked goods in the freezer are needed for YT.

imasinger

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 10:55 am

I siggest putting a sign on the freezer, listing which treat is for which meal, and perhaps adding a pen and paper for requests to make or purchase that would be free for random snacking.

As a kid who used to sneak cake out of the freezer, I can share that matter of fact planning works better than guilt or shame. And writing is less overwhelming or confrontational than a face to face discussion, whether alone or in a group.

giftedmom ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 11:10 am

Is it possible they prefer homemade baked goods to snacks? Maybe you can designate a space in either the upstairs or downstairs freezer where they can take homemade cake/cookies when they’re hungry. And make it clear to everyone to please not take what is labeled for YT.

amother

Puce

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 11:10 am

Bh u have healthy hungry children! This is something to laugh about! Maybe you should start baking more often

amother

Sand ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 11:40 am

Many boys teens guys getvthe munchies and enjoy baked goods.
I would keep the freezer well stocked with simple baked goods you are cool with being eaten. Cookies muffins brownies. Whatever you consider simple basics. Announce that you baked it for everyone to enjoy.
The specialty items please package well do not label or incorrectly label intentionally (nobody noshes on frozen meatballs) and hide your ufos in back of freezer
Best bet is to put specialty items by neighbors and bring home for shab/Yom tov

amother

Navy

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 11:46 am

Install a lock. Problem solved and no need to interrogate any of your kids.

ddmom

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 11:49 am

1- you have the same issue as every single other mother in klal yisrael!!! There's yummy food in the freezer!!! So don't get upset!

2- pack baked goods in 9×13 and label potato kugel or chicken! (Just make sure to know what you put where!)

3- write a nice sign on the freezer: "please do not eat food from this freezer unless you asked for permission, most of it was made for yom tov! Thank you for your understanding and cooperation!
Love, Mommy"

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 11:56 am

Don't over dramatize this.

Install this lock. Problem solved.

Make sure to keep more food available.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.....title

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 12:00 pm

ddmom wrote:

write a nice sign on the freezer: "please do not eat food from this freezer unless you asked for permission, most of it was made for yom tov! Thank you for your understanding and cooperation!
Love, Mommy"

Thank you, everyone, for letting me know that it's not just me! I really like this idea and might do it.

Is it really normal for kids to take food that is obviously not meant for snacking, though? At what age? Do they feel any guilt about doing it (as in, they realize they shouldn't), or is it just the norm, anything in the house is fair game to eat?

To me, it's the same thing as if they see a closed package on the dining room table. I would expect that they should not open. They might be tempted to open it, feel curious about it, but if they did open it without asking whose it was and if they can look, they would feel guilty about it and know they did something wrong, wouldn't they? To me, this is the same thing...What am I missing?

I grew up in a home where you ate three meals a day and could eat only healthy things between meals, like a fruit or something, without asking. Snacks were for school lunches, or treats on Shabbos, or given by a parent as a special treat for something. Home-baked goods were not for noshing on -- they were for family desserts unless my mother wanted to get rid of them for some reason (before Pesach, for example).

I don't have a lot of extra time to bake, nor do I have teenage girls to fill up my freezer, nor do I want my kids snacking on garbage all day. I could eat a whole bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies in a sitting, but I know not to. I'm not sure this kid would have that "stop" button. Am I really unusual? Do most people with older kids just have an open freezer, and they even have to mislabel foods, otherwise they actually disappear? And they don't think there's an issue with this?

amother

↑ Sand ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 12:14 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Install a lock. Problem solved and no need to interrogate any of your kids.

Locks are like filters it's a sign to teens to break the code and enter

mommyhood

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 12:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Get your boys into baking! I don't have an open freezer and I would be very upset if my kids took what I clearly made for YT but I do allow my kids to bake on random nights and have the treats they make mid week. Not every day and not every week but baked goods are not 100% restricted to shabbos. They start with duncan heinz and some don't have any interest in progressing past that but some really enjoy the challenge and eating what they made themselves.

amother

Antiquewhite ↓

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 12:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's food after all.
Don't make it into something they should feel guilty about.
The sign is enough to explain that it needs to be saved for something because you don't have time to make more.
You're a great mom!
I learned over time and with parenting experience that there are different kids with different dispositions and some are just more wired to snack and graze. Even if that's not something the rest of family does, there's really no way to change them so just make it normal and accommodate. We're the generation that is keeping things healthy so we're not exacerbating this disposition or making it worse. We're keeping it healthy.
Therefore letting them know that x items need to be saved is enough and no guilt need be involved.
You're doing great!

amother

Opal

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 12:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think you should privately, quietly tell your son that you are deviding the baked goods in 3 or 2 parts.
one part is secretly is wrapped in a black bag just for him. And can the others stay for shabos or buffet? (the latter is a statement in the form of a question)

This is coming together moment with you and your child.
you will be connecting in a deep way because you are going beyond by validating his needs.

yes, he needs the baked goods. no, he doesnt need snack or second helping of supper.
it does something good for him, physically or emotionally. Mezonas actually has a calming effect on some people (the sugar/calories/fat really is irrelevant now)
This scenario should be all about motherly intuition not about a systems set in stone to run the household.

amother

NeonYellow

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 12:45 pm

You’re bringing back some of my best memories of sleeping in my grandparents basement on yomim tovim with my cousins and raiding the extra freezer during the night

If you’re really curious you could put in a hidden camera, at least then you’ll be sure who it is

amother

Orchid

Wed, Sep 25 2024, 12:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

I had this phase well into my 20s and grew out of it once I started living alone. There’s literally nothing wrong with it. It’s just nourishment/soothing. He will grow out of it. Don’t give it more attention than that.