S/O Are adult single children guests in your home?

amother

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 6:15 am

I have multiple adult single children 19-27, plus young teens. Some adult kids live at home, some outside home. Some are home every Shabbos Some come home for special occasions or yom tov.

Some are pleasant, help out when asked.

Are they guests?.childen?.something else?

We pay for some of the kid's expenses, like car,credit card, Dr bills, clothes, tuition. Some of the kids are financially independent ( there the line is clearer)

How should I handle
Using my kitchen
Cleaning up after themselves in kitchen
Eating foods/ desserts I have bought/ made for shabbos
Raiding pantry
Washing their dishes
Cleaing up after meals
Laundry- linens and towels
Setting or clearing the table
Their rooms- changing linen, cleaning, Using the space when they're not home?

I love each of them, want to show respect. They are adult age but still act and feel like adolescents to me.

DH and I married young and financially independent at marriage. Our parents helped out financially when had a period of unemployment with young kids for about a year and a half. We were hosting our parents for Shabbos beginning at age 21.

It can be contentious with my kids and I'd like clarity.

Reading the thread about adult married kids made me think perhaps I should reframe this and treat them like guests. However, they do things guests do not do. Should I stock the pantry for them?

Plz help.

Elfrida

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 6:25 am

If they were living at home while earning an income, what would your expectations be?

I would expect them to clean up after themselves in the kitchen, and help clear up after meals. They shouldn't help themselves to food prepared for Shabbos, but maybe you need to label it, to be clear what is off limits.

Raiding the pantry - maybe a bit, but they should ask/tell you what they're taking, so you know to stock up. Not a free for all.

It is,easy enough to strip the beds, but if the same child is coming home and using that bed every Shabbos, you don't need to wash the sheets every week. When you want to wash them, you can ask the child to strip the bed before they leave.

amother

Cornsilk ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 7:31 am

I don't have great advice for you. There are those "kids" that are cooperative, respectful, and considerate and there are those who aren't. I try not to get to upset when they leave a mess. I do insist they wash their own dishes and they mostly listen to that. But I can't ask for too much.
The most difficult aspect for me as that they expect supper but don't come when we're eating.

amother

Navyblue

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 8:03 am

These behaviors can't be new, right? Did you enforce rules when they were younger and now they're disregarding them or did you not have rules?

My teenagers know that they can use the kitchen as long as they don't get in my way and they clean up after themselves. If there are still dishes in the sink when I go to prepare dinner then I call them back to wash them first. They also know they can use basic pantry ingredients as long as they add them to my shopping list if we run low and they know to ask about other ingredients in case I need them for the family. I'm happy to buy items they want when I go grocery shopping if they give me advance notice.

We have a family dinner every night at 6:30. I expect to feed everyone unless they tell me they won't be home that evening. Sometimes they ask me to leave food for them to eat when they get home and sometimes they get food wherever they are. I expect to come down to a clean kitchen in the morning if they eat after we clean up from the family dinner.

DH and I split the laundry for the household, but my kids help with the schlepping and sorting. Older kids can do a load on their own if they want their stuff clean before I will get to it.

We wash linen every other week. If kids aren't sleeping at home every night then I guess we could go longer unless we need the beds for guests. If children don't live at home and we have frequent company and no official guest room then I would expect those children to keep their room neat for guests.

I don't remember if you mentioned a curfew in your post or not, but I wouldn't enforce one on order children. I would expect a courtesy text with an approximation on when they would be coming home so I can decide if I want to wait up or not.

amother

Topaz

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 8:10 am

I have 3 kids over age 21.
Two live at home full time.
They are expected to clean their own rooms, wash their own dishes, and make their own breakfast and lunch.
I make supper for the whole family every night.
They can eat whatever they want from the pantry on a normal level - ie: one thing at a time. And notify me when something is running low so that I can restock on my next supermarket trip.

One child rents a room in an apartment closer to work but didn't really "move out".
Barely took any belongings. Comes home every single shabbos (from Thursday evening before supper through Monday morning, works at home on Friday) and very often one other night a week as well.
Does laundry here.
I consider that the child still lives at home since they're basically here all the time.
I told them that they can't take an unreasonable amount of stuff from the pantry because I can't restock quickly enough. It's not fair to the rest of the family to take 6 cans of tuna on a Monday morning or a full box of cereal and I shop on Wednesday.
But they can eat from the pantry/fridge as if they live here.
I don't touch their room, same as the rest of my adult kids. I don't use their room for guests since it's really not empty on a regular basis.
They change their own linen, etc.

gottago

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 8:23 am

I have a rule that if you cook for yourself, you clean up and wash dishes. If you cook something for the family, you clean up, but can leave the dishes in the sink.
You can eat regular staples but ask before eating something that I cooked that has not been served yet.
If you use something up (or almost) write it on the shopping list.
I do laundry, but an thinking about making them responsible for their linen.
We can use their tools when they're not home. But I always warn them before they leave home that I'll be putting guests in there.

BTW, these rules exist for all my kids, not just the adults.

amother

Acacia

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 8:50 am

I have one in beis medrash and one dorming in high school. Both are a plane ride away and come home for shabbos once every month to every 6 weeks, plus yamim tovim. I do treat them as guests. They have to take care of themselves all the time, when they're home I pamper them. I do their laundry, I try to make and stock their favorite foods, etc. Why not make coming home a treat and something to look forward to? I don't expect my girls to do anything extra or to wait on them, I do the extra work. So far no resentment, and everyone is excited when they are home.

amother

Watermelon

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 9:05 am

I might be the OP of that other thread. So far we have kids living at home who are not guests and a kid that has moved out and many states away. When DC comes home he is treated as a guest. He gets the nice linens, his own bathroom, fancy bathroom toiletries, the meals are extra special. Because we are celebrating that he is home for a visit. He is polite. Doesnt leave messes. He is allowed to raid the pantry but he never does. He doesnt come very often though so this is another reason he is a guest.