Gentle parenting success

amother

Fri, May 03 2024, 12:44 am

amother Azalea wrote:

(You're supposed to remove the older child, not the baby, but that's besides the point.)

You said upthread that you let your older child sit on the baby till he gets up on his own & that you don't do anything about it.
You said that your MIL disciplined the older child, because he was sitting on the baby & you didn't do anything.
So what is it? You take baby away, or you ignore and let the older kid sit on the baby till he decides to get up?
If a child sits on the baby, you pick up the child & take him away from the baby. Period. It's not the time for sweet gentle talk & allowing the child to sit on the baby till he decides to get up on his own.

I think there's a misunderstanding.
I pick up my baby because she is crying.
My mil considered it me not doing anything about it because I'm not punishing or potching him. She completely freaked out seeing the whole thing happen because I turned away for a minute.

All (or most) of the parenting experts say to pull the baby away to safety

amother

Fri, May 03 2024, 12:48 am

amother Azalea wrote:

You took the words out of my mouth.
Finishing dinner is not a sign of good behavior. Kids shouldn't be forced/told to finish their dinner & definitely shouldn't be taught that it's good behavior to finish their dinner.
OP, I really think that you need proper guidance.

I don't tell them to finish their dinner. We talk about how they are eating healthy food to fill their tummy and snacks don't fill their tummy. So they finish their dinner. I don't force anyone to do anything

I'm not sure why everyone is being so nasty.....

amother

Azalea

Fri, May 03 2024, 12:52 am

amother OP wrote:

But you said upthread that you allowed your son to sit on the baby till he got up by himself with time.
This is what posters take issue with, that you said that you allow your son to sit on the baby till he decides to get up.
That's what you said upthread.

Whatever it is you're doing, I wish you luck in raising your children. (Just make sure you don't allow children to get hurt in the name of gentle parenting.) They're little now, it's a whole other ball game as they get older, and your methods now may not work for older kids. It's something you need to keep in mind.
Good luck

amother

Fri, May 03 2024, 12:57 am

amother Azalea wrote:

I never said that .......

amother

Natural

Fri, May 03 2024, 1:05 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Your problem is in the answer that you gave now.
If you feel that gentle parenting is a thing, why do you look at it that you are not doing anything? Officially you are actively not responding. That is not the same as not doing anything. So it seems you agree with your mil about this.

My issue is that some people feel free to let their kids destroy other children or other peoples property all in the name of gentle parenting. That is not ok. A child must be firmly reprimanded at times so that he knows the severity of the situation. Not all is equal and good.

reminds me of some college kids being allowed to destroy a campus in the name of freedom of speech....no consequences or punishments needed

amother

Natural

Fri, May 03 2024, 1:10 am

amother OP wrote:

I wasnt clear. He was 2 years and sitting on my baby. I would tell him he cant but nothing helped. I knew its age appropriate and with time he stopped

Of course I usually do something about it if and when they misbehave but I use a lot of validating, active listening, understanding, connection...

I wouldnt right away yell and punish go on how upset I am they did that. I make sure to listen to their side of the story because theres always a reason why kids act a certain way

would it help if you would physically lift him off your baby?
what if the baby couldn't breath?
I think it's worse that he was told he can't and he did it anyways....he can learn that what Mommy says doesn't really matter- she said I can't but I can sit here on the baby as long as I want so apparently I can....

amother

Fri, May 03 2024, 1:11 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Um what? I agree with my mil? How?
My kids dont destroy property. They just dont

amother

Fri, May 03 2024, 1:15 am

amother Natural wrote:

I was new at the parenting thing so I tried to punish, threaten, tell him he cant but nothing helped.
Then I switched course and didnt even acknowledge the situation. That helped. Plus I gave him a lot of extra love because its hard having a new sibling.....
I mean he wasnt sitting on the babys head chvsh. I was able to easily pick up my baby and if I couldnt then I would move the older child over a bit

amother

Natural

Fri, May 03 2024, 1:22 am

amother OP wrote:

I actually learned this method also...
when one child hurts another, instead of focusing negative attention on the one who hurt, you slather and smother the hurt child with love and attention...
(you need a bandaid? come, let's go get a snack etc...) and completely ignore and walk away from the kid who hurt...
though I would say that as an experienced mom (my oldest is 17)...some kids are less complicated and methods just WORK...
1 plus 1 equals 2....
love, attention, special time, structure, calm Mommy= happy, easygoing kid who is a pleasure to have around and build a relationship with..
and some kids are so much more complex and complicated than that...

amother

Fri, May 03 2024, 1:49 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Sounds nice and all. Wait till they get older and get mad at you for not yelling at the brother that pushed them. Where is the justice? Just daven to Hashem that you should have the seichel to do the right thing at the right time.

Lol we had similar situation today
Mommy can you punish dovid he hit me and he can't do that!
Me: he shouldnt be doing that that is not ok. But I think he was getting nervous because you were yelling so loud and he doesn't like very loud noises
Him: oh. But I was trying to tell you something
Me: ok so how about trying a little lower and then I can hear you. What is it you wanted to tell me?

This kid has in the past hit him back in defense but Bec hes older he can really hurt him so I'm teaching him to come to me to discuss what's bothering him

amother

Navyblue

Fri, May 03 2024, 3:39 am

amother Slategray wrote:

BH. It was so hard fee yuntif for me- my MIL keeps telling us we have bad parenting skills. Says my toddler is super spoiled. “Leave her with me for a week and you’ll see what happens”. (Never would dw). In my house you need to follow my rules etc etc.
Just an example- toddler was “hitting” more like playfully hitting their cleaning lady and cleaning lady’s granddaughter. MIl yelled at toddler. I of course tried to stop it. But later she said it’s a huge chilul Hashem etc (toddler was being playful). I said the more attention you give the more she’ll do it. Bh we don’t live close to them so once a year we need to deal.
Had you ever had to deal with these kinds of comments and what do you respond?

you just need to find a cleaning lady who also practices gentle parenting ,and let her granddaughter playfully hit your child. Win win.

If seriously, it doesn't matter if the toddler was playing or no, there should be boundaries in place. Will you be okay with cleaning lady's toddler (let's say) playfully hitting your child while she was there? I understand you see the endless goodness in your kid, but you have to intervene at this point and make sure the kid doesn't touch other people. No matter intentions.

amother

Navyblue

Fri, May 03 2024, 3:44 am

amother OP wrote:

you seem to have a deep belief in what you call"gentle parenting" method. It sounds that it overshadows natural instincts that average reasonable mother has. Your kids can hate you, when they grow up, for being a bystander. Besides sakanat nefashot. Please learn about what is dangerous for babies and what is not. I was listening to some parenting course, there was example there of toddlers feeding baby "playfully" (in the example given it was popcorn, and baby chocked to death). You don't and can't put certain beliefs over your baby life. Life safety comes first! Don't yell, don't potch--intervene ASAP when needed.

Just few cents. I happen to know someone who very deeply believes in certain parenting method -her kids, though, are very immature,self centered, entitled and nasty individuals. I do think it is related to permissive parenting somehow , because when your *angel* starts bothering others, you have to understand others, too ,not that only your child had some inner motives. Being moody is not a reason to call teacher names, let's say, or mock my kid ( for example). I don't care motives when my physical or emotional safety gets violated by anyone. No matter what kids feel, we don't validate behaviors which are hurtful for others. What I'm trying to say is -everyone is owed samed level of safety and respect in relationships. Your kids emotional needs cannot be justification to cross into another person's territory, just because "he was playing". Think about cleaning lady, she is a non Jew, working for Jew,and her granddaughter gets hit. What would she think? That you let your kids hit hers.....

I hope your attitude comes from 1. being relatively young mother +being pretty emotionally sensitive and gentle person yourself. In this case , you should be very sensitive to individuals around you, too. I won't be mocking or attacking you, please,use your seichel, nor *blimi hellers, *Adina malkas* ,or anyone else. You don't need to blindly follow method, just use that brain that you have inside your head. And any coach you follow or any shita you follow-please, make a checkup, about outcomes in life, not only what "the method inventor" thinks about chinuch. There are many women there who practice being a mother every day) at some point bina yeteira should kick in.

amother

Navyblue

Fri, May 03 2024, 4:43 am

amother OP wrote:

well the kid clearly told you what he wanted to tell, pretending you are deaf because he/she talking loud after someone hit him is not really "how to make them seek your company". You will say you made condition for this child "I only will hear you if you talk in low voice" and you empathizing with a child had to be a reinforcement. Why then can't you put condition for the one hurting siblings?

When my kids complain about other siblings bothering them, listening without doing anything to stop offender makes them irritated long term.

amother

Chestnut

Fri, May 03 2024, 8:09 am

amother OP wrote:

So instead of validating your child who was hurt, you validated the child who hurt him.. Im sure your child felt very heard. This is after he came to tell you instead of fighting back… I still dont understand this “method” from the way you explain it…