Wedding - remembering hostages and soldiers at chuppah

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:24 pm

I'm trying to come up with an idea to incorporate a tefillah at the chuppah of my daughter's wedding for the hostages/soldiers. Would you find that weird as a guest? I think it is a time of high emotions and hopefully strong kavanah. How can we partake in a simcha without giving pause to our bretheren in Gaza?
I saw on instagram that someone had a table with a bowl outside the chuppah location and inside the bowl were small papers with individual names of hostages and/or soldiers to have in mind during davening. I was thinking to do that and add the tefillah for the hostages and chayalim at the beginning of the chuppah ceremony.
Is that out of place? Is it a downer? Or will people think it's sensitive and proper to acknowledge it?
Any other ideas?
Should we just have a normal wedding and not touch upon the war in Israel at all?
(By the way, we are modern Orthodox - so if you are of a different religious leaning and find this entirely inappropriate for more political reasons, just disregard and no need to comment).

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:26 pm

I saw that picture too and I thought it was beautiful. I love the idea of including it. The chuppah is a powerful time and Tefillos are especially heard then.

It's not inappropriate IMHO, we also break a glass to remember the Churban.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:37 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

I have seen the tefillah for chayalim sung at the chuppah before Im eshkacheich which I found really nice.

That is nice. I'm wondering if it might be better at the beginning. Something seems a bit distasteful to put it at the end right before they break the glass and start singing and dancing? Am I overthinking it?

amother

Daylily

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 3:53 pm

Right before they break the glass is dafka the most appropriate time. Strictly speaking, you're not supposed to break out in wild song and music when the glass is broken. Breaking the glass is supposed to cause a little "shtoch" of loss, so that the chosson and kallah can feel a small measure of sorrow. (So using a caterer's glass is defeating the purpose. You're really supposed to use a glass belonging to the celebrants, so they should feel a little bit of pain at its loss. Nobody cares about the caterer's glass.) That's what "aaleh et Yerushalaym al rosh simchati" means: At the moment of my greatest joy I still mourn Jerusalem. That's the perfect time to reflect on the those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our people.

I've been to weddings where the mesader kiddushin asked people not to yell "Mazal Tov!" and start singing the minute the chosson steps on the glass. It never does any good.

amother

Razzmatazz

Thu, Mar 21 2024, 5:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would just check that the chosson and kallah are on board. This is going to be in their video forever.
A table outside with names I don’t think you need their permission so to speak that sounds like a nice not in your face way of bringing the current situation in but any extra tefilos or songs I would run by them.

essie14

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 12:33 am

When I got married 8 years ago I had my 2 cousins who have served in IDF say the mi sheberach for chayalim under the chuppah. It was very important to me to include that. Both DH and I had already been living in Israel and there had been terrorist attacks during our engagement.
(We are DL)
We got such positive feedback from that. Everyone really felt like it was so special.

Also, at DL weddings in Israel it's pretty common for the chattan to break the glass before Im Eshkacheich or in the middle of the song, so that the "Mazal Tov" screams are not right when the glass is broken. You can totally do that as well.

If I was making a simcha now I absolutely would include the hostages in some way.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:23 am

amother OP wrote:

Your last note was a downer for me. We may all be of different religious leaning (your words) but have one Torah and that commands us to be in Unity. The Jerusalem Purim Parade usually called AdD'loYada is called Unity this year.
Can we all please - for the sake of Purim, put on an act of Unity and not call each other "different religious leaning", fake it till we make it...

ganmama

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 2:20 am

We went to 2 weddings this week in EY that did 2 very meaningful and memorable things in this vein:
Before 7 brachot under the chuppa they did a call a response Perek of tehillim for the chayalim and the hostages. And by אם אשכחך they asked everyone to hold off on the mazal Tov until the end of the song, since we are really meant to be remembering our galus and that now במיוחד we are feeling the lack of the בית המקדש because of the war.

amother

Yarrow

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 6:27 am

We literally break a glass to remember the churban al rosh simchati, we DO take a moment to remember the tragedies of the Jewish people. I got married the day the bodies of Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev HY'D were returned to Israel, and the mesader kiddushin mentioned it right before im eshkachech/glass breaking. The beit hamikdash was a long time ago and unfortunately hard to relate to for many. But when a tragedy that is clearly the result of the galut in which we find ourselves in happens, it's easier to understand what we're missing by not having it right now.

I personally think right now that all smachot need to incorporate something in. I just made my first bar mitzvah. Pictures of the hostages were part of the decorations. Tefillot for them and the soldiers were said at the start of the speeches. They were mentioned in every speech, including my son's. Yes, it was a personal simcha for us, but al rosh simchati. Some things are bigger than our Simcha, and it's clearer than ever right now what that passuk means.

Chayalle

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 10:04 am

We asked our Rabbi and he told us not to change anything about the Chuppah itself. He said that specifically weddings were always celebrated by Am Yisrael at the most difficult times, and they are celebrated with joy. Because setting up Jewish homes is the continuation of our nation, and it must have a foundation of Simcha. Maybe his opinion was because DD got married right after Succos, and the pain was so fresh and intense. He felt it would detract from the Simcha.
But both DD and SIL walked down to songs/music from Perakim that are being said specifically for the hostages and the situation in EY.

amother

Eggplant

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 10:16 am

I got married right after the war began and I couldn't handle hearing anything about it, my emotions were all over the place and it wasn't the right time or place for me then.
Now that so much time has passed ( Crying

) its less intense, however I'd still check with the chasson and kallah.