My son yells at me..

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 11:59 am

He is almost 15 ...he gets angry and frustrated especially when he can't have what he wants right then and there..the computer..a late night out..anything..the word no triggers him period. He yells slams doors...swears at me.. He has what to feel angry about don't get me wrong, and he hates to get it out on me, but he still does...and I feel abused. I want to put him in a yeshiva but probably shouldn't right at this point...I am now alone with him...any advice on how to cope?

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 12:39 pm

That is hard. Can you have a discussion with him when he's calm, about both the issue itself, like computer use or curfew, and strategies for how to react calmly?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 1:07 pm

Yes totally...he is a good boy. He regrets it very much and cries often saying mommies I am so sorry I love you I don't mean it and he beats himself up...but because of my life and past traumas from childhood etc..I Get very resentful..my home is my oasis and he violates that peaceful space.

amother

Carnation

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 1:08 pm

If he has anger issues, please please get him help for that before he gets married.

justforfun87

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 1:11 pm

Why is he home with you and not in school? Is he in therapy? He clearly feels remorse which is a good first step.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 1:15 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

Why is he home with you and not in school? Is he in therapy? He clearly feels remorse which is a good first step.

Too complicated to answer but yes the fact that he is homeschooled is contributing to his frustration. I am just trying to figure out how I can react in a more understanding way for the time being instead of shutting down and disconnecting from him .. and judging him so harshly..etc

amother

Plum

Wed, Jan 03 2024, 1:21 pm

Reach out to people that handle these situations. Not regular garden variety run-of-the-mill annoyed teenagers.

I just listened to a meaningful people podcast with Rabbi Shimon Russell. Listen to it. Reach out to him or someone that he works with.

Be proactive. The worst thing you’ll find out is it will have been a false alarm. I doubt it but get the help now.

TwinsMommy

Mon, Jan 15 2024, 9:02 pm

It's a cycle--- the teen has anger issues---- punches a few teachers or screams too much --- ends up homeschooled---- homeschooling is lonely and difficult which makes him angry--- around and around we go.

My son is similar--he's 17-- you didn't mention a diagnosis but my son has autism and adhd and a huge side order of aggressive behavior. PUBLIC school kicked him out. In 4th grade. He tried a special ed school for a number of years which behaviorally was a good fit but academically was very much NOT a good fit.

Here's what we're doing. It's not perfect, but....

1) He does vocational programming (work) in the mornings. He's with other people that way, and it's a program who is used to dealing with special behavioral needs. This way he still has an IEP with goals and transition targets and PINS and intervention specialists involved with his case.

2) He leaves at 7 am and comes home at 11 am and then has lunch and then homeschools just four classes at a time. Actually starting this Wednesday it will be 5 classes this semester. He can do them WHENEVER HE WANTS. That gives him some freedom and flexibility. If he's in a mood, he naps the afternoon away and catches up on a Sunday. *I* am not his homeschool teacher. The computer is. I'm the mom who checks his notebooks, checks his grades, encourages him to re-do tests and projects if his grade isn't his best effort (and I'm the one who gets punched for that), but I'm not the one to sit next to him and breathe down his neck.

3) weekly therapy. HE participates, but SO DO I. SO helpful.

4) I give him plenty of time by himself at home. Despite his special needs, I can trust him to come home alone with a key. He calls me at 11 every morning to assure me he's home, about to have lunch, and about to do his schooling (or asks permission for a nap). I work part time on my own created schedule so I can stay home with him if the need arises----- I sub for playgroups, babysit, and from home I am in direct sales and I sell on ebay.

5) TONS OF PRAISE. Praise about grades. Praise about how long it's been without aggression. Praise about how independent he is and the good choices he's making about what to have for lunch, when to do his work, how the vocational program is going, etc etc. Special treats now and then (special lunch, ice cream, a specific want from amazon) just because.

6) Lots of shared interests--- we have inside jokes together, lots of love, work out together in the evenings at the gym, etc. When he's annoyed with his sister I agree with him that she's a pain in the ***. Smile

7) lots of scary medications we tweak a lot (do you have a psychiatrist on board?).

He is a TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH kid and in-person school is not for him at this time, but we're making it work. It's been 23 days since I've been violently attacked (yes, I keep a calendar).

DOES he enjoy homeschooling? Is there a way to make it more interesting/better? Is the computer his teacher? Are you? What does HE want right now (drop out and work? go back to school in person? continue homeschooling?) Do you have a husband involved? Siblings?