Party Dilemma- To Go or Not to Go?

amother

OP ↓

Sat, Feb 18 2023, 10:40 pm

If any of you Imamothers is married to a man who works in askanus, you may relate to my dilemma.

I live in a country that has a sizeable Jewish community. We also have a royal family, with a king and queen. My husband is an askan for the kehilla and very involved in politics. For many years he has worked on being a liaison for the Jewish community, getting services and money for yeshivos, etc.

A few weeks ago we received registered mail from the Royal Palace. It contained a fancy invitation inviting my husband and me to a celebratory event. Apparently, all the people who work in askanus were invited, along with their wives. This event is actually somewhat of a weeklong convention, and the main party is supposed to take place over the weekend.

In the envelope, there was a separate notice stating that there will be glatt kosher food provided for those people who keep the dietary laws. My husband actually knows the caterer personally. He has the top hashgacha and is very high end. The caterer told my husband that there will be several mashgichim temidim overseeing the food prep and that it will be extremely elegant. It will be an event that will be long remembered.

We immediately sent back the RSVP accepting the invite. On the card, we were asked to fill in what type of wine we prefer. There were like 100 options. The King is known to be a major wine connoisseur and it’s a point of pride for him that each person should be able to choose the wine they like with each course. It also said that if there was anything we require to make our stay more pleasant, we should be in contact, and there was a phone number and email address included.

This party is going to be huge. It’s been all over the news. My husband is really excited about this because he has never been to the Royal palace before. For him, it’s an opportunity to make connections, mingle with senators and other people in high government positions.

I, on the other hand, am less excited. I suffer a bit from social anxiety, and, as you might imagine, as the wife of a man in public service, I often have to attend social events, which is hard for me. But I do it because I know it’s important to my husband.

I know that everyone who is anyone will be there. At our weekly parasha shiur, the ladies were debating if this affair requires ballroom gowns, or more like party dresses. I bought two of each. I even splurged on a new sheitel. I’m even more anxious about this than the one year I agreed to go to a Pesach program in Greece.

I made arrangements for my kids since we will be leaving them. I hate leaving the kids, but again, I am doing this for my husband. I have even spent a few hours with my therapist, hashing over my social insecurities about the party, and at this point, I feel like I’m in a good place.

Anyway, here’s the problem. Last Shabbos (a week ago), the Rav in our community gave a drasha in shul. He spoke about the upcoming Royal convention, and he basically declared that it’s assur to go. He knows that many people were planning to go, and he said that going will be a big chillul Hashem.

I was listening from the ladies section and felt all eyes on me. I started blushing furiously. The Rav spoke very sharply about how completely unacceptable this event will be. He said that a party at the palace is perfectly proper for people other than Jews. But how do we dare and why should we care to join in and share with them at this affair which will surely be full of pritzus, mingling with non-Jews and unsuitable entertainment? Furthermore, it will take place on Shabbos, and it's a completely inappropriate environment for a frum yid on any day, but especially on Shabbos.

Anyway, it was such a strong speech, my ears are still ringing from it.

Afterwards, the whole place erupted, with a lot of heated debate going on. The whole city is tummeling about it. Some people, like my husband, are really angry. He feels very strongly that the rabbi is totally wrong. This Rav is a big talmid chacham but he is somewhat of an extremist. He also very “old school”. My husband thinks it’s a huge chutzpa for him to have gotten up there and lambast them in public. This rav may know a lot of torah, but he doesn’t understand the first thing about politics or public relations. All he does is sit in the Kollel all day and learn, so why is he mixing into public affairs?

My husband's position is that it’s important for a large frum continency to be there. If we want to be able to accomplish anything for our kehilla, we have to show our faces to these events. Sure, it’s not the most ideal environment, but we have to look at the bigger picture, and how this will affect the future. If we don’t go, we will essentially be ruining years of work that dedicated askanim did over the years, and destroying relationships that they built up. He feels the Rav is being very shortsighted by not realizing this.

Furthermore, if all the frum people will suddenly pull out, it will be like a slap in the face to the king and cause a huge chillul Hashem. Especially since the organizers clearly went to great lengths to accommodate us with kosher and everything. Kavod malchus demands that we not insult the king, and this would be a huge insult!

Right after Shabbos, my husband started reaching out to all his colleagues and friends who were planning to go. Many of them are now unsure what to do. Some people feel that it would be against daas Torah. My husband has been diligently trying to undo the damage caused by the Rav, getting as many people as he could to commit to showing up and participating. He BH managed to convince most of the essential people to keep their original plans, but it wasn’t easy. My husband is infuriated and he blames the rav for stirring up such a controversy.

Meanwhile, I’m feeling very uneasy about this. I’m trying to figure out what’s really bothering me. Firstly, I don’t feel comfortable with my husband going against the Rav of the whole city. Its not a simple matter. He is a very respected person not just here, but world-wide.

Being the wife of a public person, I’m kind of used to being in the center of internal politics, but it’s never been this intense. Also, while my husband won’t admit it, I do think that the Rabbi has some valid points. There might be glatt kosher, but we will be sitting with non-Jews, there will be music, dancing and other questionable entertainment. Although my husband is all about doing this for the kehilla, (“lesheim shomayim”,) being that I’m his wife, I know that the good food, wine, entertainment and kavod are a huge draw for him.

Also, I just have a bad feeling that I can’t explain. I feel like this is somehow going to end in disaster.

I am so torn. I have seen how hard my husband works on behalf of the Jewish kehilla. And I want to be supportive of him. On the other hand, I (unlike my husband) see where the Rav is coming from, and I wonder if its really the right thing to do. I feel like he is making a huge mistake.

Wondering what all you ladies think.

(Sorry for the long megillah, and thanks for reading till the end.)