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Forum
-> The Social Scene
-> Chit Chat
sequoia
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 Mon, Apr 12 2021, 7:45 am
Moshe reads in the paper: Today our national soccer team destroyed Liechtenstein.
“Well, well! A Jew can’t leave his house anymore!”
- Tzippy, why is my bottle of cognac half-empty?!
- Because you’re a pessimist, Shimon.
Shimon Katz was very interested extraterrestrials. One night he stayed late at the observatory and sent a message into space: Nu? The answer came back immediately: Oy.
- Moshe, do you have an alibi?
- What’s that?
- Well, did anyone see you at the time of the murder?
- No, Baruch Hashem!
- Avi, why did you and Esti break up?
- She kept whining I don’t love her.
- And?
- She convinced me.
more later...
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imasinger
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 7:46 am
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These are great, and several I never heard before, keep 'em coming!
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PinkFridge
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 8:59 am
Thanks, I needed these 
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Crookshanks
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 9:49 am
Haha I love the bottle half empty joke 
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sequoia
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 10:02 am
— Yesterday was awesome! Whose birthday was it?... What do you mean a wedding?... What do you mean mine?!!!
Shabbat. An angry tourist asks an Israeli, “Is *anything* open?” “Sure! All the police stations!”
A sign in a store: We don’t sell cole slaw to Jews.
— What’s with this discrimination?! I’m going to sue!
— Sha, sha. Have you tried it?!
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sequoia
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 1:40 pm
— Yanky, it’s so cute how you and Roza always hold hands when you go out.
— Efraim, it’s not “cute”! If I let go of her hand, she’ll definitely buy something.
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sequoia
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 1:46 pm
— Moishy dear, if you behave, we’ll buy you a bike.
— And if I don’t?
— A violin!
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sequoia
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 2:24 pm
My wife is so annoying! Everyone else is busy with Pesach cleaning, and she’s just standing around nagging, “Take down the sukkah! Take down the sukkah!”
1969
— Moishe! Did you hear? The gоyim went to the moon!
— All of them?!
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sequoia
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Mon, Apr 12 2021, 2:45 pm
— Rabinowitz, tell the truth! Did you really evade taxes the way the prosecutor described?
— No, Your Honor. But his scheme is excellent!
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tweety1
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Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:35 am
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My uncle just texted me what does IDK mean. I don't know, I said. He replies, darn nobody knows!
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professor
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Tue, Apr 13 2021, 7:16 am
My 2.5 yr old was getting dressed but she suddenly stopped and looked at Alexa (a device from Amazon) "it's not tznius, Alexa is looking at me!"
Sometimes you talk to Alexa and it doesn't respond. My DD said "Alexa is shy"
PS At what age to we have "the talk" about human vs robot?
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sequoia
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Tue, Apr 13 2021, 2:50 pm
— Yankele, it’s our anniversary today, let’s shecht a chicken.
— Why her? It was Bibi who introduced us.
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sequoia
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Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:51 am
— Excuse me, are you from Addis-Ababa?
— No, I’m Bibi from Odessa!
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sequoia
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Fri, Apr 16 2021, 6:58 am
— Leo, what did you get arrested for?
— I was throwing bread to the swans.
— What’s wrong with that?
— At the Bolshoi theater...
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tweety1
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Fri, Apr 16 2021, 6:59 am
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Junk is something you keep around for years and throw it out 2 weeks before you need it.
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PinkFridge
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Fri, Apr 16 2021, 9:18 am
In a typical 1880's Western town saloon, people are drinking, playing
poker, dance girls are dancing to the piano music when a menacing
cowboy dressed in black with two pearl-handled guns and jingling spurs
enters.
He shouts, "Any Jews in here?" The music and dancing stops; the
silence in the saloon is deafening. A second time he shouts louder.
"I said, any Jews in here?"
The piano player starts to shake, raises his
and, and stammers,"I'm Jewish." The scary cowboy replies,
"Saddle up, partner, we need one more for a minyan."
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shanie5
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Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:41 pm
Wife to husband: What do you like best about me-my face or my body?
Husband looks wife up and down and then says: I like your sense of humor
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