How much help is needed post birth

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:09 am

my DD BH is due in a month (or less) first time with twins. people have been advising her that she will need 24 / 7 help for first few weeks yikes is this true?
they moved close to us for a while he is in a new kollel its long hours I do work.... I thought I wd take time off work my boss would understand/ I only work 6 hrs day maybe I wd work every other day for a while, we also have other siblings that can help here n there but hpw much time am I goign to have to hire a nurse/ doula/ baby nanny to stay over nigths it sliek 25- 30 an hour which is more than what I make after tax
advice plz. I was thinking I cd stay 2 - 3 nights nurse couple nights first three weeks. is it true that there is like no sleep if I stay I mean cmon one baby does sleep surely two cant be in such different schedules and each stays up like half the nigt why are people making it sound so impossible, does everyone spend just thusands on baby nurses!!!! TIA

amother

Yellow ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:20 am

I don't know about twins, but I do think that it's the parents, not the the grandmother, who should be figuring out how to make things work.

To clarify, I think it's lovely that you care so much, but it shouldn't be your financial burden. You shouldn't be losing sleep over the cost of a nanny. The couple needs to step up to take care of their children. (It's great when parents can help out, but clearly you can't.)

Kiwi13 ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:21 am

I had minimal help with my twins. (Long chaotic story) It was hard but we survived. When we were able to hire normal babysitting help (when babies’ medical needs were settled) we did. We went into a little bit of debt over it, but it was worth it to keep our sanity. We had a 2-year old at the time also. We have no family nearby, so the fact that your DD has local family support should ease the situation by a lot. Every new mother is different and has different challenges and there’s no telling how the babies will be either (easy feeders or good sleepers or fussy or whatever else). Plan for as much help as possible in the beginning if you can, but be prepared that the beginning of twin Mommyhood ends up being a big, sleepless blur for most people. 😊

↑ Kiwi13

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

thank you. how long does that mean, like 3 weeks or 8 weeks? (Or as my husband joked 2 years)

Haha! My twins are almost 2 years old, and we’ve been in a normal swing of life for many months now. It definitely becomes manageable much sooner than it seems in the beginning. My babies were sick in the beginning so there was a lot of hospital time. I would say that the first few weeks are the craziest. We never had overnight help. Having the ability to nap during the day sometimes was a lifesaver though.

amother

Silver

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:47 am

We had help (a sibling) for a few days after I had my twins. We had toddlers at home too.

It was really, really hard. No sugar coating it.

But we survived.

Any and all help is great. Food is always appreciated. Encourage lower standards. A housekeeper at least once a week to "reset" the house. Lots of paper goods. There should be no pressure to wash dishes. A laundry service if possible so there are always clean clothes.

Periodically if someone can take care of babies so mommy (and tatty) can nap. Lactation consultant to avoid painful nursing issues and teach mommy to nurse lying down.

The timeline is until babies are sleeping enough for mommy to feel semi-human, and until she feels capable of managing the house to some level. I don't know how much that would have been for me, it took us quite a few months and definitely took a toll on us and our shalom bayis. If we had more help at the beginning it might have been less.

But my twins are almost 10 now and are a real joy!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:50 am

thanks the truth is they just got married november and moved back from israel to be with us cos they knew they wd need help, and they legit have no money he is learnign in kollel and my husband works on commission bh he had a much better year so we can afford more than we usd to I just feel I hate to thro 3-6k into nursing help I just gotta plan and see what is realistic

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

amother

Cerise

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 6:02 am

I have a set of twins. They were numbers 3&4. My oldest was 4 1/2. I did have hired help because otherwise I would have lost my sanity. Bh my parents and in laws helped with the finances then.

It sounds like you would and could be hands on and there is another sibling to help out to. And they are her first. Sometimes having them the first is more challenging because the mom is getting used to caring for a baby and recuperating from birth which is a major adjustment to begin with.
I wouldn’t go crazy yet. Take it as needed. Maybe the babies will be ‘good’, maybe her adjustment to motherhood won’t be as challenging. At least you are in tune and if she needs you can get for her.
Even though you are saying you can’t see spending so much money on help, you will see that sanity might call for it. It will be money well spent.
I tell everyone who has twins if you can get help then get. (Again mine were not my first). They are a special Bracha, won’t necessarily be happening again and you want to be able to enjoy and cherish this very special time.
Enjoy and Mazel Tov!

Raisin

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 6:25 am

I never had twins but every mother is different. Some women would love to have a night nurse. It would be wasted on me since I breastfeed. Some women would love meals delivered. I would probably appreciate that but I know people who wouldn't. (picky about food, health, other peoples hygeine...) For me cleaning help is definitely one of the more helpful things I can get after giving birth.

I would think that somebody watching the baby for 2 or 3 hours daily so your daughter could nap would be very helpful. As would bringing over suppers and lunches.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 6:56 am

I think people do what they need to do.
My neighbor had twins and had a thirteen month old. She couldn’t afford a nurse. She was in school
At the time so her babysitter came from nine to five. Husband and wife took turns getting up at night they each had one baby to take care of each night. I’m sure it was hard but they did it.

One thing I can tell you is twins run in my family and it’s my biggest gear to have them. There is no way I can afford it no where to put one in my tiny apt and no family to help me out more then a couple of hours here and there.

But I think reality is at the end of the day people do what they need to do with the resources they have

ShishKabob

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 10:55 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

I can't think of a reason why someone would discourage a mother from helping out her children. If she wants to and she can then please go for it.
(such contradictions on this site, one of them is that parents shouldn't ask any help from children, another is that parents shouldn't help out their children?) scratching my head.
OP, kudos to you. Hashem should give you koach to always be able to be there for your children in good times with energy, presence and money and what not.
Gmar Chasimah Tovah! And of course lots and lots of nachas and joy double time! Smile

dankbar

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 12:23 pm

Is she coming after birth to your house to recuperate? Then it's more of your burden. If she goes home, then you can try to help her with what you can but it's not so much of your burden.
If she comes to you, you can rotate between you, herself & her dh to wake up for night feedings or care for the babies during day, provide her meals & laundry care so she can rest up as much as she can & then you might not need a nurse if you can't afford it. You then see, how long you can handle, her being by you & you helping her out, how she is coping, how well she is recuperating etc. to decide how long to let her stay.
You might be able to get an HA or nurse from Medicaid or from her medical insurance to help out.

amother

cornflower

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 2:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Mother of twins here , of course both babies can be on two completely different schedules !! Having twins is very very hard . Once you're done feeding one baby it's time to feed the second baby and then you have around 20 minutes to breath until baby 1 needs to eat again and then when you're done with baby 1 baby number 2 needs to eat again.. having twins is a tremendous bracha but extremely hard and very exhausting . If you're willing to help and you can help please help as much as you can ! I had help on and off and when I didnt have help it was the hardest thing I have ever did in my life . I honestly have no idea how I did it . Beshaa tovah!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:26 pm

she issnt workign now just doign school online. but how can she sleep for sure when there is no schedule. how did u do it

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

My twins were my first and I quit my job so a nurse wasn't necessary in my situation. I woke up, up to 4 times a night but I was able to start my day at 11.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:31 pm

im prepared to spend 2-3 thousand dollars, that amount to about ten all nighters, or maybe 15 days. so what is the best help I can give? nurse sleeping there 3 nights a week and giving bottles of pumped milk so the kids can SLEEEEEP? help a few times a week 9 to 5 so she can rest up because of the nights/ ME FILL IN IN BETWEEN?

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

amother

↑ Yellow

Wed, Oct 02 2019, 3:32 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I'm not discouraging her. I'm responding to the fact that she's stressed out about the cost of paid help. She wants to help but she can't.

Parents and children should help each other out. That doesn't change the reality that parents are primarily responsible for their children.