How did you survive the first year with twins?

Israeli_C ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:58 am

Well, the title says it all. I'm only 3 weeks in, but simply don't know how people do this. I'd be really glad of any advice of what you found helpful (whether it's baby equipment or bringing in someone to help). I have a splitting headache on a daily basis from lack of sleep, go to bed at 8pm/9pm and my shalom bayit has gone out the window (I'm irritable from lack of sleep and generally feeling he isn't helping me enough and he's annoyed that I'm not functioning 'business as usual' when it comes to getting dressed up, serving his dinner when he arrives home and giving him time to go to shiuirim and learn with his chevruta). I'm the only one who 'deals with' the twins, mostly because my husband is unable physically to function the day after if I wake him at night.

Help!! Sad

↑ someone ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 1:20 am

Mazal tov!! I don't have twins but I was involved on helping some neighbors who do, so I can tell you some things they found helpful.
1. It sounds like someone your husband respects should sit down with him and explain that there will be no business as normal for at least the next few months, probably longer. And that you need his help. You guys are in this together. You are all in crisis mode until further notice.
2. He pretty much has to get up at night. I know a family whose tenth and eleventh kids were twins. The husband had never got up at night with any of the other kids, after a week they realized there was no choice
If he's tired the next day he can try and find time to sleep, but he has to understans that he is going to be tired for the next few months, he has twin babies.
3. We found someone to come in and be in their house during the morning hours. She did housework so the mother didn't have to worry about it and also helped take care of the babies so the mother could sleep during the day. Obviously this costs money and depends on your finances but for both neighbors I helped it was the difference between insanity and coping.
Regarding housework - let it all go. If both babies are asleep, run don't walk to your bed and go to sleep. Nothing else matters.
4. Help with other children - if there is someone who can take your older children out in the afternoon (I assume they are in gan or something in the morning) for a couple of hours that makes a big difference.
5. You may be entitled to help from the revacha - it depends on different criteria but if you are they could pay for cleaning help/babysitting etc.
6. If you have friends nearby who are at home during the day and have time to pop in, hold a baby and talk with you for a few minutes so you get some adult conversation that could also make a big difference.
Keep telling yourself that this horribly difficult stage will pass. Take it day by day, you'll get there.

trixx

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 1:56 am

Your husband needs a reality check. You're not getting dressed for the next year and if you've already made dinner (which is huge), he can serve himself. Sounds like it's your first? It's a harder transition than a singleton but he needs to pull his weight.
Get them on the same sleep and eating schedule asap (not just yet, but you can sleep train early, a professional is worth all the money here) so you can sleep when they do.

hello 1 ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 6:03 am

Mazel Tov!
I have a set of twins - they were my 3rd and 4th with my oldest being 4 years old.
Help, help, and more help.
Twins are a huge Bracha. I knew I wanted to be able to enjoy them, not just be exhausted all the time.
However you can get help, cleaning, hiring a girl after school to take them out for a walk in the afternoons so you can sleep a bit or just think a bit 😀, chesed girls...
even with husbands help ( which doesn’t sound like he’s giving much) get whatever outside help you can get.

↑ hello 1

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 6:04 am

↑ Israeli_C ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:09 am

Many thanks for all the great replies! Tbh I've felt very inadequate and a bit of a failure that I haven't been getting dressed up every day and functioning 'normally' and your words have really helped to reassure me. These are also my 3rd and 4th (I have a 3 year old and 1.5 year old) and it really does compound the difficulty. Also lots of guilty feelings that they're getting neglected (emotionally) and left with people they don't really know while I care for the twins.

amother

Amethyst ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:28 am

Oh my !! Well, first of all, Mazel Tov! You have a lot on your plate! The first few weeks are so, so hard... any help you can get is the key here. Even just taking care of the 1.5 year old and the 3 year old all day is draining. You need sleep... desperately. Can anyone come over during the day so you can get a nap? Don’t worry about suppers ... do easy things that can be heated from the freezer, open cans, use lots of bread... order take out a few times a week. Until the twins get a little older things will be somewhat out of control- and that’s NORMAL for now. This is a temporary stage, you will have a normal life again but you are very, very busy now and very, very tired.
Whatever help anyone offers- grab it! Whether it’s child care, meals, shopping...
can dh pick up some takeout food on his way home for both of you?
Your toddlers are fine with grilled cheese and cereal! Totally fine!
Is there an option that insurance would pay for a night nurse for a few weeks?
You are doing an amazing job!
Take pictures as tired as you are because believe it or not, this time passes by so fast and you will only have the pictures to remember how tiny these babies used to be

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:43 am

Op u kh have a nice load to take care of even without the twins. So I hired a nurse for first 4 months and she took care of my twins while I attended my older 3 kids. My toddler being a little over 2. My babies would never know who took care of them as newborns. It takes a lot of time and koach. Mine are 15 months old and its still challenging very often. Now they're teething...

butterfly2 ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:47 am

My twins are 10 weeks old now and all I can say is get more help than you can afford. That is what everyone with twins told me and I’m listening to their advice. It is worth every penny and will save your sanity.
Additionally, if you can’t explain to your husband then someone else should, that you are currently in survival mode and he should try to save the boat instead of helping it drown if he wants his life a bit more intact...

↑ someone ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:51 am

Israeli_C wrote:

You are a far away from being a failure as possible. You just had twins and you have two tiny kids at home. Your job right now is to take care of the kids and OF YOURSELF as much as possible. Anything else is a bonus. Seriously, most people who have had one baby with no other kids at home don't get dressed up and function normally 3 weeks postpartum, let alone in your situation. Forget about functioning 'normally' for at least the next few months. This is what Hashem wants from you right now.
If these guilty feelings are coming from your husband, it sounds like he doesn't really understand the situation and what is reasonable to expect and it is important to get him on board. Is there anyone who can talk to him? Would he be prepared to read things online to give him a better idea of what to expect?
And about the older kids - your feelings are very understandable. Try to remind yourself that this is a temporary stage - you are taking the help you need so that your kids can have a functional, happy healthy mother. Even if that means that right now they are spending time with other people. Try if you can to find a few minutes when they are at home to sit with them, hug them, give them attention, but don't set your standards too high.
In short - no guilt!! You are doing amazingly, keep on going, you can do this!!

silly

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:58 am

My parents have triplets and had lot of help...chessed girls coming after school and on shabbos....had lady from Monday till friday from 9 till 5 and a different lady for the nights( a few times a week)
ppl.used to ask my father how he does it bc its so expensive
he used to answer its cheaper than seeing a psychiatrist....
u need to take help for ur sanity and to b healthy mother

rzab

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:58 am

The whole first year is a total blur. But I will say, you will feel normal again!

You should not feel like a failure in any way. It is not simple. One thing, you mentioned that you often don't get dressed. Personally, I found that I felt much more down when I didn't get dressed. Somedays it didn't happen until ten or eleven, but everyday I would get dressed from tichel to shoes. Even contacts. On days that I didn't, I just felt very yucky. I know it's hard, but it might make you feel better. Or not, in which case you should ignore this and know you are not alone!

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 8:10 am

OP, can you get a nurse from insurance? If not, please please take high school girls/neighbors to help you for as much possible. When I was in high school, I went to help a families with twins, I loved it! Do you have family/ friends nearby?? Dont be ashamed to ask for help!
Where do you live? Are there organizations in your community that help with twins? (Meals, housework, childcare..)
Dont pressure yourself about housework and dinner, just do what's a must.
If possible, send the toddlers out for afew hours during the day.

ChutzPAh

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 8:27 am

Mazal tov !
Are you the same poster whose husband expected you to have company with lavish meals until you gave birth? Regardless, he needs a realty check. Do not feel guilty! You should not be getting ‘dressed up’ or ‘serving’ him dinner at this point. When you feel up to either of those you will know it. He needs a discussion of your current reality- 4 Kids with the oldest being 3. What is his day job? He will need to get up with the babies too and deal. Drink coffee. Whatever. Don’t let his unrealistic expectations make you feel like a failure. Just getting through your day intact is a big accomplishment! Give yourself a round of applause and a pat in the back !

SuperWify ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 8:48 am

Your three weeks pp with twins and your husband expects business as usual??? You being dressed, dinner made, house cleaned..?
Plus you’ve got a 1.5 year old and a three year old... Banging head

Please communicate with him NOW how utterly ridiculous and selfish he is acting.

Hire a nurse or go away to a kimperaturin home. You had twins and you need to recover and care for them properly.

amother

↑ Amethyst ↓

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 9:07 am

Someone I know had premature twins when her youngest was under a year and she also had a 2 year old ( 4 kids 2 and under!)
Her twins were in the NICU fighting for life. She was back and forth in the hospital every day with her 10 month old and 2 year old. Eventually she brought her newborns home and ... she had NO help! The only way she kept her sanity was that her husband took off for a year to be at her side taking care of the 4 babies. How they survived? They accepted צדקה that year, they applied for every government program possible... they had no expectations and were fine eating tomchei shabbos food that year. The only expectation they had was to emotionally survive. It was the hardest year they ever had (it’s many years later now) but they survived because they agreed to be in it together and had no expectations of each other.
Don’t feel bad op, I could so see my dh be just like yours. Some men just don’t get it! I once had bronchitis, a baby and a toddler and even though I was burning up with fever , home with kids all day, dh still expected a good supper! Or a hot piece of kugel on Erev shabbos... doesn’t mean these guys are evil and abusive... far from it! But they just don’t get it!