Cell Phone on Shabbat -- What to do?

amother ↓

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 11:03 am

DH and I have 'taken in' my female teenage cousin. She isn't too interested in religion and we have decided not to push it on her, however we do want a certain amount of respect/adherence in terms of shabbat. especially in front of our daughter. one of the rules that we made very clear, after we found out she spent a shabbat night on the computer, was that there was no computer or phone on shabbat.

I had left my cell phone off on the counter before shabbat. I noticed this morning when I was looking for a received call that there were currently only 8 calls in the call log. I never delete recieved or dialed calls. this leads me to suspect that she took my cell phone and called 2 people on shabbat (she pretty much only talks to two close friends on the phone) and deleted the numbers. I am not sure how to handle this. If I approach her with the evidence I have she will surely lie to my face because she knows there will be a consequence. At the same time I don't want to punish her and make her hate shabbat more. But I also don't want her to think I am an idiot and she can get away with these things.

For next week/RH I plan on keeping my phone in my room and disconnecting the house phone so she simply can't use it. But what do I do with her?

chocolate moose

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 11:11 am

I know you didn't ask, should I take in my not too religious yet cousin or whatevr, but I think that's the issue .............if she isn't interested in being religious, I don't understand why she'd be staying with religious people. I would not want that in my face, let along my (at risk) kids' face!

I don't see why you need that kind of influence in your home.....mixing up your kitchen, bringing treife influesnces into your life.

sometimes off the derech kids are asked to leave home because of the bad influence on others.

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 11:53 am

OP here. Thanks for your response. The issue is larger than I explained. She basically had no one else. It's us or foster care. Which won't do her any good. DH and I would like her to at least become a productive and respectful member of society, if not religious. DD is only one and for the most part I know my cousin wouldn't do things in front of DD that I would not appreciate. The bigger issue is do I punish and how?

DH and I do have an understanding that if things ever got to the point of blatantly disrespectful and creating a bad atmosphere in our home that we have done what we can and it's not our issue anymore. Our children and family are primary. But I want to teach my children that their parents and ideals should be to help people in need.

DefyGravity

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 11:55 am

chavamom wrote:

I think I would ignore it if she is making calls where no one can see/hear.

I agree with chavamom.

Quote:

For next week/RH I plan on keeping my phone in my room and disconnecting the house phone so she simply can't use it. But what do I do with her?

I wouldn't do that unless you speak to her first. If you just disconnect the phone without discussing it with her, it's passive-aggressive, and then you'll come across as a meanie.

su7kids

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 12:14 pm

Do not punish her. Just tell her that you know.

I think with regard to religious issues, if you punish someone for not being "religious/frum" it gives the wrong message. Religion should not be forced on someone, it should be taught and then allow the person to make the choice.

But if you want rules in your house, make rules.

mummiedearest

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 12:20 pm

if you disconnect the phones, tell her you do not wish to be disturbed over r'h by telemarketers and wrong numbers. do not tell her you are preventing her from using it. this way, if she feels the need to call, she will make sure to disconnect the phones again. if she's making calls in private, she's not doing you any harm.

greentiger

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 12:27 pm

chavamom wrote:

I think I would ignore it if she is making calls where no one can see/hear.

I agree. You gotta choose your battles, and if you want her to respect any of your requests you can't make her feel like you are forcing her into anything.

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 12:39 pm

I am not going to guess why she was placed in your care..

But as you mentioned it's either your family or foster care I am guessing something happened with her parents.

Let's facing loosing one's parents or change of teh "norm" can cause trauma. IY"H she will see the beauty of your home and eventually become more respectful, Until then you have to give her space.

Maybe sit down and explain that you understand that she's dealing with a new environment..

southernbubby

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 2:12 pm

My father and siblings are not frum and when they come and stay for Shabbos, what they do with THEIR stuff in the room that we give them to stay in is their business but they know that our phones cannot be used on Shabbos.
I think that you have to explain to her that while you don't want to force your religious views on her, you don't want your phone in use on Shabbos. I would not try to punish a teenager but I would tell her that if she wants to use any of your stuff, such as the computer, you will no longer let her use it at all if she tries to operate it on Shabbos.
Reassure her that she is part of the family but in this family we keep Shabbos.

BrachaVHatzlocha

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 2:13 pm

I agree that you shouldn't say anything. Using your phone in private (if she even did) was not disrespectful of shabbos - she didn't do it in front of anyone. You really can't expect her to become shomer shabbos...at least at this point...just let it go.
And I agree - if you do decide to unplug phones for yom tov, tell her you often do it so wrong numbers/telemarketers dno't call.
When my mother in law was over for Shabbos, I knew she was using her cell outside. Or her husband went outside to smoke. But as long as they're not doing it in front of you, it's being respectful.
hatzlocha raba and good luck with your important job!

↑ amother ↓

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 10:09 pm

OP again. I want to thank you all for your responses. It has helped guide my decision and give me some insight. As I mentioned this is a unique family situation and we are doing the best we can. I agree that punishing for religion is not a good or healthy thing to do. DH suggested that we approach it more as a trust issue. We trusted her not to do .... But I have to see. As far as RH is concerned we had decided to just tell her it's b/c of telemarketers. So as for now we will see h ow it goes. I appreicate the advice and support because some days I think we are nuts for taking on this responsibility and it is helpful to have a forum of other mothers who may have had to deal with similar issues.

↑ amother

Sun, Sep 09 2007, 10:22 pm

I was taken in my a relative when I was a teen and the worse that I did was worse than just talking on the phone on shabbos. basically as long as I didn't mechal shabbos in front of their kids then they didn't say anything. sotuhernbubby had the right idea.