It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties
now and then. Inevitably though, one thought led
to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I
knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important
to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau
and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused,
asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I
had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of
life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss
called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you
don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another
job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey,"
I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quiver. "You think as
much as college professors, and college professors don't make
any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began
to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled
as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with
a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and
ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library
was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for
me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is
heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's
Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I
never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-
educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share
experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last
meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life
just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
THREE PROOFS THAT Yoshke WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was G-d
THREE PROOFS THAT Yoshke WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
THREE PROOFS THAT Yoshke WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Yoshke
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities
THREE PROOFS THAT Yoshke WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT Yoshke WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT Yoshke WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT Yoshke WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
Shopping is NOT a sport to keep you in shape.. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Anything we said 6 months or 16 years ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're too fat, or too skinny, don't ask.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, why did you ask?
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we may act like
nothing's wrong.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you may not want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, anything you wear is fine...
Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the stock market, or car engines.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Yes, I know, that after saying all this I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A nun entered heaven and was told she could have any wish granted.The nun said I only want to ask yoshke's mum a question! yoshke's mum approaches and the nun asks with awe How did it feel when you gave birth to yoshke... the mother answered, Truthfuly I vas hoping far a meidal
a guy went up to heaven and they showed him a room full of clocks. "here is a clock for every person in the world," they said. "The minute hand moves acording to how many lies youve told. This is Mother Theresa's clock, she has never told any lies, her clock hasnt moved. This is Abe Lincoln's clock, his moved two minutes because he told two lies."
"Wow," said the guy, "let me see John Kerry's clock!" "Oh, his is in the next room," they told him. "Yoshke is using it as a ceiling fan!"
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have
been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thought-
lessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to
date now, but, before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture
and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my
dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty
well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed
by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the
one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also
visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-
marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know
your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered
by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull
fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man in my life.
However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Anyway this news is better than those above.
1.He had only one major publication.
2.It was in Hebrew.
3.It had no references.
4.It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5.Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6.It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7.His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8.The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9.He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10.When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11.When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12.He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13.Some say he had his son teach the class.
14.He expelled his first two students for learning.
15.Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16.His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17.No record of working well with colleagues.
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to Morris the hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything.
"The hot dog vendor fixes a loaded hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. Morris the vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
Morris responds, ....."Change must come from within."
Supposedly, the story behind the letter below is that there is this nut in Newport, RI who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. Here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
_________
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquiti
... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her back.
... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast.
Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast,let alone what she'd have?
... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do,
people to call. If it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "eat" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done.
... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no
stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done.
It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
... every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the darn things. Scared me half to death.
... she takes those soap operas too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair.
... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
... it annoys her that our children look like me.
... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her.
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No, Sir!" said the G.I., "There were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much J ell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
