giving gift of a trip to a child w/o parents permission 1st

amother

Thu, Jul 22 2010, 9:07 am

My mil told my 12dd that for her bat mitzva gift, she can go with her to Israel for Sukkot. I just found out about this last week when my husband asked me what I think, to let her go or not. Her bat mitzva was over a month ago, so she told her then. Would you allow it and would you tell the child before the parent?

KAlex

Thu, Jul 22 2010, 9:35 am

amother wrote:

There are two very different issues you need to deal with here:
1. Your MIL needs to be made aware that she needed to talk it over with and get your permission before inviting your DD, especially when it's such a big trip. (I mean even saying, "We'll go out shopping/to the park/wherever for a day this summer," should be qualified with your approval, but this is much more than that.)
2. You and your DH need to decide if you think the trip is an appropriate gift for your DD from her grandmother, and if you think she should be allowed to go or not.

For your DD's sake, try not to let no. 1 cloud the decision over no. 2. "We would have allowed it if Bubby had asked right," isn't fair to your DD. (You might still have other good reasons for saying no.)

Barbara

Thu, Jul 22 2010, 12:31 pm

I know of families in which the grandparents take each grandchild to Israel for Succot at specific times -- 8th birthday and bar/bat mitzvah, IIRC. If that were the case, then your MIL might have reasonably believed that you were already aware of her plans. Even then, she should have brought it up to your DH and to you.

I'd talk to your daughter first. Explain to her that Granny didn't consult with you, you don't know Granny's plans, and you have to get more information before you can make a decision. Make clear that its not your daughter's fault, and that you will treat the request the same way you would have had it been made properly in advance.

I think your DH should tell his mother that she stepped out of bounds here, that its created a big problem for you, and that it will not be tolerated in the future. Then get the information you need, and make your decision.

Belated mazel tov on the bat mitzvah.