Mesivta for "top" boy

amother

↑ Clear ↓

Yesterday at 12:08 pm

Personally, I really tried to leave my son out of it because he was only 13 and at that age, no he doesn't really know what's best for him especially since so many of these places are extremely nuanced and the things the boys discuss between themselves are often not the actuality of how things are.

( see for example above where amother said that the boys thought that they would get an amazing shidduch, without middos (?!?) because they went to a certain mesivta, as if most people even care that much where boys went for 9th through 12th grade! LOL

)

So while my son had an opinion, I kept repeating that he can't look or listen to what other people say, that he shouldn't worry because wherever he ends up will be perfect for him and we are going to make sure that it's somewhere he will be happy.

And although I definitely kept his feelings in mind, at the end of the day the decision we made was not based on what he thought or liked.

In fact while we were trying to come up with our short list we did not discuss with him the list that the school gave us.

I would honestly advise you to leave your son out of it until you have a shorter list and are deciding tomorrow down to your first second third and maybe fourth choice. ( we applied to three places, but we really only wanted one of 2).

In most schools the rebbeim are very clear & strict- that they should not be discussing these things amongst themselves for this exact reason.

Are you specifically looking for a very yeshivish place (Slomowitz, keren) or somewhere more middle of the road? (No high intellect yeshivos in Lakewood are taking boys that are not yeshivish, at all. While places like Weinberger/Emek, Whitty or Brus might have boys from balebatish fams, not just learning etc, they still have a certain caliber that they insist on).

↑ small bean ↓

Yesterday at 2:33 pm

I agree with you that my son is too young to make the decision but his rebbi gave a wide range of places and therefore we asked what he wants.

We as parents care more about middos then anything else. We want nice boys who are kind to each other.

I got perspective on this thread to share with my husband. I really think the whole thing is on my husband because I don't understand yeshiva or have an opinion..

↑ Raizle

Yesterday at 2:45 pm

small bean wrote:

No offence but if you care about middos then please stop referring to your son as a "top boy"
There are many other positive ways to describe him im sure without using a description that rates him.

amother

Fuchsia

Yesterday at 3:03 pm

Raizle wrote:

No offence but if you care about middos then please stop referring to your son as a "top boy"
There are many other positive ways to describe him im sure without using a description that rates him.

She already clarified she only wrote that because that's what his Rebbi said about him.
Something in that word is triggering you and you might want to think why.
Op I get you because my son is in 9th grade in a very average/below average place. He's bright and sharp and is going out of his mind from boredom. He already learns extras on his own. It's a very frustrating experience.
We are seriously considering to switch him for next year because I see how this is affecting him. He already experienced being bored in elementary. It's not fair to put him thru another 4 years of this.
If you don't have a child like this it's hard to relate.

amother

↑ Clear ↓

Yesterday at 4:07 pm

amother Dustypink wrote:

What’s a top boy? My son is smart and learns well. Is that a top boy? My son is a nice boy with tons of friends. Is that a top boy? My son has good midos. Is that a top boy?

K, everyone stop harping on the word top boy.
She literally put it in quotes.

If you don't know what she means then this is not a thread for you.

Op, good luck! Personally, with a very very smart son I would advise you make sure that your son would be stimulated. Not every place that is geared to very very academic boys necessarily has other pressure.

Also I would find someone in real life that actually sends to discuss because you don't know where the person responding is coming from.

amother

Whitewash

Yesterday at 4:14 pm

I'm surprised no one mentioned Pruzansky (Chemdas Hatorah). Not elitist at all, and the boys are on a range of levels. My son is from the pressure-cooker top level boys that learn during lunch and supper seder, but not every boy is that way at all. The revbeim and RY are extremely warm, there are lots of rules, but there isn't a whiff of elitism or shtoltz that I ever saw.

amother

↑ Celeste ↓

Yesterday at 4:14 pm

amother Dimgray wrote:

The pressure was motivating but a number of boys, especially approaching 12th grade suffered from the pressure. My friends son was top of the shiur but developed stress and clinical anxiety and several other boys in the shiur had adverse repercussions ranging from clinical diagnoses to simple stress and fatigue. Know your son, and know when to insist that he have an off ramp before the pressure affects him negatively.

My son went thru this exact scenario. He was in one of the “pressure among boys” places mention, and was fine 9th, 10th, 11th and most of 12th. 1st year he suddenly developed debilitating anxiety. This was from a super shtark high acheiving kid who I would’ve never ever dreamed this would happen to.

He went to a diff yeshiva for 2nd and 3rd year and he’s doing much much better, but he still struggles…

I thought I knew my kid and he did do fantastic for mesivta but I don’t think any of us, including himself, really knew him as well as we thought

amother

Holly

Yesterday at 6:33 pm

I'm going to add to this convo, my son is keh a very smart boy with a brilliant mind. He ended up going to high level mesivta that's definitely not top for a variety of reasons. At first the adjustment was very hard. He is in 11th grade now and bh he os doing very well. There is probably a handful of boys like him. My son is very respected and the boys love him. The rebbim is are making sure hes stimulated. He learns every free moment. We feel that he is able to do this with zero pressure since the yeshiva doesnt have that elitism. It was definitely a work on emunah and bitachon at first but now we see how well he is doing and this is a great place for him bh.

amother

↑ Slategray ↓

Yesterday at 8:59 pm

amother Celeste wrote:

Why do you blame the yeshiva?

Do you think the yeshiva caused the anxiety even though he did great for years?

Did he seem under pressure before?

Vs he developed anxiery at an age when mental health issues emerge and now this wasnt a good fit for him?

amother

Bluebonnet

Yesterday at 9:38 pm

What are you supposed to do if you have a "top" boy who is just 13 years old and doesn't love to learn at this point and is more towards the bottom of his class. What mesivta should he go to if everyone only wants to go to top mesivtas?? Why should he want to be different? I love how everyone talks about their top 13 year old boys. Any recommendations for a yeshivish boy who is not academic. is very well liked and sociable. I am really stuck.

amother

↑ Zinnia

Today at 7:03 am

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

What does his Rebbi say?

I've seen good boys not academic very yeshivish be very happy in Krupenias and Brombergs.
Less yeshivish, I've heard Brus, Brody really build up a boy and encourage them to learn a little more a little more
I've also heard very nice things about Lazewniks.
Hirth? Pepper? Greys?

There are at least 71 mesivtas on that Lakewood list.
There really is a place for almost everyone.

↑ small bean

Today at 7:57 am

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

My older son is a really great boy, middos, refined etc and he is in Brodys. Yesterday while my younger son was talking about where to apply, my older son was like you're not going to the best yeshiva, I'm already there. Very warm and positive place with really nice boys.

amother

↑ Celeste ↓

Today at 8:13 am

amother Slategray wrote:

WHOA I never once blamed the yeshiva. I have another son in the same mesivta and if I felt it was the yeshivas fault I wouldn’t have sent him!

There are many different dynamics that can cause anxiety at 19 years old in a yeshiva setting right? Sometimes it’s the dynamics of the bochurim in the shiur, sometimes it’s burnout, sometimes it’s family related, sometimes it’s something so random that has nothing to do with anything. If we knew exactly what triggers it we would never have to deal with anxiety because we would be experts at preventing it.

One day, after suffering prob for a few months and trying to deal with it on his own, he opened up about what he was going thru. His RY and Rebbi were incredible at helping get him the best possible help.

I thought he was a yotzai min haklal so when another mother wrote that this happened to her friends son I felt very validated.

My son has never been under pressure in his life. Is he a perfectionist? Yes, but not in an unhealthy way. He always had success in learning, he was always on the top, he was not someone I would’ve ever anticipated would have anxiety.