Should I let my dd have a bf?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:44 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

I agree. She’ll most likely end up heartbroken by a guy who doesn’t even care about her in the long run.

OP, if it were my daughter I would say absolutely not, no discussion, and shut down the topic for good. Very rarely do these relationships last. Maybe put her in a hobby where she can have goals to achieve so she’s not thinking about this.

Maybe also tell her she can start shidduchim at around 18 at least so she can begin dating soon, just not now.

Yeah I won’t allow shidduchim that young she knows that. We talk abt not starting till at least 21

But if that’ll shut her up maybe I just have to say it

amother

↑ Ginger

Yesterday at 11:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

We are fam friends. They never hang out alone type. I know that if she is gonna go down this path it’s gonna be w someone I approve of and we are very close and I really hope if I say no she won’t rebel. But how can I be sure

If I was in your situation I would let, with clear rules and guidelines. But I would not consider her a regular BY girl, and like someone else mentioned do not expect her to be shomer. Maybe buy her the book the magic touch

Also know that once you open this door you can’t close it. She may go out with boy #1 who’s a family friend, but boy #2 might not be someone you know or are “close” to. You can’t pick who she dates, keep that in mind

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Yesterday at 11:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes. She does at least

It’s an odd question from a girl who identifies as a BY girl to be honest. Usually those who want one are halfway out of the BY world on the way to another derech.

amother

Hawthorn

Yesterday at 11:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m just new to having a teenager so wanna know how common this is in by circles and if ppl do let there kids have bf/gf?

Ummm no. Properly behaving BY girls, and even BY adjacent (TAG, Shevach, etc) do not hang out with boys and certainly no boyfriends. It will give her a reputation and probably keep her from being accepted to BY sems, certainly the ones more to the right.

And do you really want this in her life?

That being said, figure out if by is your hashkafa and what your values are. Find a mentor who can help guide you. You need a strong value system to raise teens.

I grew up oot in a school that sounds similar 25 years ago similar sounding ti the one yoir dds in - bh.there was no boys high school so no frum boys around!

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Yesterday at 11:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes. She does at least

Well then, is this question coming from her changing paths? Does she not understand the meaning of it? Or what...
Something isn't adding up

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Yesterday at 11:45 pm

amother Gold wrote:

What’s so hard?

I think she means it's hard for her to say no to her teen
Is that what's going on OP?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:46 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

Where can I find that book?

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Yesterday at 11:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yeah I won’t allow shidduchim that young she knows that. We talk abt not starting till at least 21

But if that’ll shut her up maybe I just have to say it

It’s better to start shidduchim at 18 over having a boyfriend at 16. Why would you not let her get married until the old age of 21, but are ok with a boyfriend? That doesn’t make sense.

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Yesterday at 11:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

To say no. To say yes. This whole convo

Do you never say no? Or have house rules? Or say this is our hashkafa and this is not?

amother

DarkGreen

Yesterday at 11:47 pm

“Sweetie, I don’t think this is a great idea. I’m worried that this is something that will affect your future ie getting into seminary, or when you’re in shidduchim. As this is a family friend, I’m also concerned about the fallout if you two break up. I know that you’re a responsible girl but I can’t testify for the raging hormones of a teenage boy.
Ultimately, it’s your choice and I can’t stop you if that’s what you choose to do. I do hope you heed my advice. But if you don’t, I hope you’ll still feel comfortable discussing it with me so that you don’t feel the need to hide it from me and we can discuss how to best go about it going forward“

Condensed version. Expand on that

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:47 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

I think she means it's hard for her to say no to her teen
Is that what's going on OP?

Yep. And if I say no will she rebel and not wanna ask my permission

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Yesterday at 11:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yeah I won’t allow shidduchim that young she knows that. We talk abt not starting till at least 21

But if that’ll shut her up maybe I just have to say it

Why wouldn't you allow it at 18/19? If that's what she wants and it's good for her
Why isn't it an option?

And why is it an option in your mind for her to have a BF? what's the up side here?

amother

↑ Cappuccino ↓

Yesterday at 11:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yeah I won’t allow shidduchim that young she knows that. We talk abt not starting till at least 21

But if that’ll shut her up maybe I just have to say it

So you would allow her to have a bf at 16?

Let’s be honest now. What if she ends up pregnant, at 16, and not even married?

Seriously, nothing good will come out of this. There’s a reason in the frum world teenagers don’t date unless it’s for marriage.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:48 pm

amother Gold wrote:

Do you never say no? Or have house rules? Or say this is our hashkafa and this is not?

I say no to easy things. This is hard one.
I’ve seen the whole otd thing happen and I’m scared by saying no it’ll backfire

↑ chanatron1000 ↓

Yesterday at 11:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yep. And if I say no will she rebel and not wanna ask my permission

What's the point of her not rebelling if you give in to anything she wants even if it's not good for her?

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Yesterday at 11:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yep. And if I say no will she rebel and not wanna ask my permission

Why does no mean automatic rebellion? Is she usually unable to handle authority over her?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:49 pm

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Thank you so much this is great.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:50 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

Why wouldn't you allow it at 18/19? If that's what she wants and it's good for her
Why isn't it an option?

And why is it an option in your mind for her to have a BF? what's the up side here?

idk I rlly haven’t thought abt that