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Laundry Service for Married Daughter & Her Large Family
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  Zisseleh  




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 26 2024, 10:54 pm
sweet wrote:
My only questions now is, is this daughter your only child??
What does your husband say to all this?


Hi, no I have other children, B"H.


Last edited by Zisseleh on Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:49 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Mintgreen


 

Post Mon, Aug 26 2024, 10:54 pm
As much as you sound like a wonderful mother, this sounds completely and totally unhealthy. I also am a giver and sometimes it’s hard to say no. My son called me and asked me if I could help pay towards vacation for him and his wife. I told him I hope he has a wonderful vacation but that I am not paying for it. I feel like when someone gets married things are their responsibility. I really love helping my kids, but I cannot imagine paying further on a regular basis. I’m also very confused if your daughter sounds quite wealthy, why she would even accept this gift from you when she knows that you’re a teacher and you need to save her retirement. I cannot imagine ever taking money from my parents that I knew they couldn’t afford and especially for something that is way beyond luxury pretty much comparable to vacation. I really hope that you can find a good therapist to help you with this codependency. Because you really do sound like a wonderful person, and I think your daughter might need therapy too if she’s comfortable Accepting this level of help
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  Zisseleh  




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 26 2024, 11:00 pm
penguin wrote:
OP, do you have other children?

(I just finished re-reading Six Degree of Separation... please don't take that personally, OP. Kol hakovod on all your co-dependent work!)


Hmm!! I want to know more about that book! What's it about? Is is good? Do you recommend for persons like myself? LMK!! Smile
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  Zisseleh  




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 26 2024, 11:04 pm
amother Mintgreen wrote:
As much as you sound like a wonderful mother, this sounds completely and totally unhealthy. I also am a giver and sometimes it’s hard to say no. My son called me and asked me if I could help pay towards vacation for him and his wife. I told him I hope he has a wonderful vacation but that I am not paying for it. I feel like when someone gets married things are their responsibility. I really love helping my kids, but I cannot imagine paying further on a regular basis. I’m also very confused if your daughter sounds quite wealthy, why she would even accept this gift from you when she knows that you’re a teacher and you need to save her retirement. I cannot imagine ever taking money from my parents that I knew they couldn’t afford and especially for something that is way beyond luxury pretty much comparable to vacation. I really hope that you can find a good therapist to help you with this codependency. Because you really do sound like a wonderful person, and I think your daughter might need therapy too if she’s comfortable Accepting this level of help


Hi, thanks. You're not wrong. Smile Posting here has been incredible therapy so far tonight. I have learned a great deal and hearing everyone's responses has been very healing. I do appreciate your input. Smile


Last edited by Zisseleh on Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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  Zisseleh  




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 26 2024, 11:14 pm
100% accurate.

Last edited by Zisseleh on Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:53 am; edited 1 time in total
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Another mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 26 2024, 11:24 pm
With all that money you can BUY a lot of clothing! You are right to stop. Maybe her regular cleaning help can do some ironing, the rest is - throw into washer and dryer.... Ok, that's more electricity than hanging, but that's her choice / treat.
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amother
  Diamond


 

Post Mon, Aug 26 2024, 11:29 pm
To your point that it's normal to make them hot food after their trip - no its not. I'm 30. I leave a quick meal in the freezer (like frozen shnitzel) that can be heated when we come home. I pack snacks and a cold supper for the trip. I take care of my own family.
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amother
Butterscotch  


 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:00 am
OP, sorry to be a party pooper and I’m sure you really mean well but there is a *lot* of information about your daughter in this thread that would make her easily identifiable to anyone that knows her… age, where she is in the birth order, what her husband does, how many kids she has and their ages, that you moved from where her sister lives, how many laundry ladies she had and why they didn’t work out (I’ll bet anything she complained to her friends about this) unless you deliberately changed details for privacy people will recognize her. If not I would go back and edit.
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amother
  Seafoam


 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:06 am
Zisseleh wrote:
Wanted to comment on Mintgreen's observation that "...daughter might need therapy if she's comfortable accepting this level of help..." I'm a Boomer and both my daughters are both Millennials. Millennials are notorious for their attitude (be it mild or profound) of entitlement. My eldest, born in '82, is of the "milder" ilk, while my youngest (to whom I gifted laundry help) definitely expects more to just be given or available, or that it is deserved. Does not demonstrate a whole lot of hakaras ha tov. In fact, whenever (and I mean 90% of the time, no exaggeration) I ask for assistance with anything, she is either unavailable, has forgotten, is too tired, is sick, etc. etc. I stopped asking and I even made someone else my emergency contact due to potential unreliability.


My dh and I are your daughters ages and we are nothing like this. No entitlement at all. None of my close friends are like this either. Do you think maybe it's more likely that you contributed to this in some way, rather than blaming it on a generational problem?
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  Zisseleh  




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:51 am
amother Butterscotch wrote:
OP, sorry to be a party pooper and I’m sure you really mean well but there is a *lot* of information about your daughter in this thread that would make her easily identifiable to anyone that knows her… age, where she is in the birth order, what her husband does, how many kids she has and their ages, that you moved from where her sister lives, how many laundry ladies she had and why they didn’t work out (I’ll bet anything she complained to her friends about this) unless you deliberately changed details for privacy people will recognize her. If not I would go back and edit.


You are 100% right. I got carried away. Can you PM me and guide me on how to delete my posts? I tried, but the original content stays the same when included in a reply. THANK YOU!!
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amother
  Butterscotch


 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:05 am
Zisseleh wrote:
You are 100% right. I got carried away. Can you PM me and guide me on how to delete my posts? I tried, but the original content stays the same when included in a reply. THANK YOU!!


I reported my own post so a mod can check out the thread and clean it up for you
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  penguin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:18 am
Zisseleh wrote:
Hmm!! I want to know more about that book! What's it about? Is is good? Do you recommend for persons like myself? LMK!! Smile


It's by Riva Pomerantz, there's a mother with kne daughter...

OP, do your other children live nearby? So you do anything like this for them?
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  Zisseleh  




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:26 am
amother Butterscotch wrote:
OP, sorry to be a party pooper and I’m sure you really mean well but there is a *lot* of information about your daughter in this thread that would make her easily identifiable to anyone that knows her… age, where she is in the birth order, what her husband does, how many kids she has and their ages, that you moved from where her sister lives, how many laundry ladies she had and why they didn’t work out (I’ll bet anything she complained to her friends about this) unless you deliberately changed details for privacy people will recognize her. If not I would go back and edit.


So nervous about this now. Tried to edit out information as much as possible. Wish there was an option to hide or delete posts. Learned my lesson well tonight about this. Can't Believe It
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:26 am
If your daughter is 39 you're presumably pretty close to retirement age. You should not be spending that kind of money on her right now when it sounds like she and her husband are financially comfortable.
Where are your other children in this picture?
You only help out one daughter?
Your other children must resent you for this. You're going to ruin your relationship with them if you continue down this path.
I'd never in a million years allow my mom to clean my house. That's crazy.
She cleaned the house I lived in when I was a child. Now I have my own home and it's my responsibility.

Sounds like you might need therapy to lessen the attachment and enmeshment here. I know you have good intentions, you sound very loving, but this is too much.
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  Zisseleh  




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:56 am
amother Butterscotch wrote:
I reported my own post so a mod can check out the thread and clean it up for you


Thanks! Should I also do that? Let me know.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 2:22 am
amother Seafoam wrote:
My dh and I are your daughters ages and we are nothing like this. No entitlement at all. None of my close friends are like this either. Do you think maybe it's more likely that you contributed to this in some way, rather than blaming it on a generational problem?


Yeah….dh and I are also 39 and we don’t expect anything from our parents other than to have enjoyment from our kids. They did so much for us growing up and now it’s our turn to pamper them and we are honored to do so.
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amother
  Marigold


 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 4:55 am
It's nice you made them a meal when they came home but it's not normal. They would have survived without it. I feel like it gives you pleasure but also makes you feel used. You need to give them space maybe. Just help when you're asked for it. They should be making meals for you too. They should be able to function.
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imaima  




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 5:04 am
Zisseleh wrote:
You are quite right. I am working on the codependency vigorously. I was doing a great deal of codependency work and recovery but stopped, not sure how I let myself slip back. I wanted to do something really grand and wonderful for family, but you are correct, it is only enabling and fostering dependence on me and delaying her ability to solve the problem together with DH. Thank you for your honest feedback. I will not do anything like this again. Nor will I pay for any more domestic help. They can afford to pay for it themselves.


The order that you brought in her home was not HER order. Justs because you cleaned something up to your liking , it doesn’t mean that the 7 people who live in this house know and want to maintain it. They should be finding places for their things that work for them, not for you. And yes, if a family comes from a vacation and needs to repack for another trip in two days, maintaining the prder that was imposed on them is their last priority. That’s just how it works logically.

Another thing that jumped at me was that you want to make a difference in her HAPPINESS levels. Like how can you control it? Her life has many facets, two of them are multiple kids and a difficult husband. I am sure that if even if you come to clean up every day, her happiness will still depend on something else. Your work has temporarily improved their quality of life but not happiness.


Last edited by imaima on Tue, Aug 27 2024, 5:37 am; edited 1 time in total
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yudiyu




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 5:11 am
I'm a millennial and I'm reliable and independent but I do think that we can be a bit immature. It feels like our parents are financially much more comfortable because property and basically everything used to be cheaper and their properties are worth a fortune now. My mum always brings us loads of teats and presents when she visits which I'd never be able to afford. So I think we can seem quite childish and dependant. As a bare minimum though we should be able to look after our homes and families ourselves.
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  imaima  




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 27 2024, 5:35 am
yudiyu wrote:
I'm a millennial and I'm reliable and independent but I do think that we can be a bit immature. It feels like our parents are financially much more comfortable because property and basically everything used to be cheaper and their properties are worth a fortune now. My mum always brings us loads of teats and presents when she visits which I'd never be able to afford. So I think we can seem quite childish and dependant. As a bare minimum though we should be able to look after our homes and families ourselves.

I don’t think millennials are immature or entitled. If anything they are hyperindependent (okay I am biased).

Stereotypes about millennials as a „younger generation“ were perpetuated by boomers.
By now millennials are 30-40 and a driving force of the society, it’s time for boomers to get off the high horse and appreciate millennials for what they are.
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