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amother
Blush
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 Wed, Jul 10 2024, 11:00 am
OP, it depends who you ask.
Please realize that many of the reaponses about "basic" will be from the same mothers here who rationalize that they must send all the "must haves" to camp, and the right sweatshirt and the $300 sneakers that everyone has because they dont want their daughter feeling snubbed.
You will get very different responses if you ask people who genuinely dont care about "protocol" and just do what they want to, and AVOID having to take out a 2nd mortgage etc!
My sister (monsey ny) got married 3 years ago, and I was very involved in the costs.
What I remember off the top of my head:
-The hall was $20k, split by both sides for 10 each. (There was another hall option for 16k, split would be 8 each. But we had too many guests)
-had a fantastic DJ, for 1.5 k
-her gown, rented not gemach, was 2k.
-other gowns-those marrieds who rented found 2-300 a gown and paid for it themselves. Kids found from gemachs for pennies.
-she got 2 gorgeous shaitels for 2k
-VORT! Guess what....you can make a vort in your house....even a small hi ranch in monsey...and save yourself 5k. I just went to someone else's vort, also in her (not large) house, in monsey. It was beautiful. Yes it was bustling and a bit crowded but that elevated the feel of the simcha. There was music playing from spotify, lots of homemade cakes,fruit, kugel etc. It was absoultely beautiful.
-"setting up the apartment".
So. Some people buy all new furniture, high end european type from the chasunah depot etc. Others realize you can get a used glass dinette table and chairs for $200, a used dining room table and chairs for $500, and buy a brand new, non-european style bedroom set from any American furniture store for a fraction of the price. You save a LOT.
-Towels, cutlery etc come from walmart, home goods and amazing savings. Hand mixers, immersion blenders, measuring cups, all baking stuff came from the dollar tree and amazing savings. We didnt step into a Jewish store once and it made a humongous difference. HUGE.
-linen- you dont need to shop in the Jewish stores. There are very nice linen sets (ok theyre not satin-y and looking like they belong in the waldorf astoria but do you really need that??)for master bedrooms, really nice, available for much cheaper in larger non-Jewish stores.
-in other words dont get fooled by the chasunah mall type thing. Yes youre saving money with them if you would otherwise have held yourself to such high standards. But if you are shopping for different things altogether, you can spend a lot less.
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amother
Snowflake
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 11:16 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Are the Takana halls in Lakewood? I don't live near Lakewood and neither do the people we'd invite. I would love to make everyone shlep to Lakewood and save money. I don't think it's fair and some people wouldn't come. |
A lot of people make weddings in Lakewood even when neither side lives there. My own wedding included before it was so popular. It’s just the way they can make a somewhat affordable simcha since these options just don’t exist outside of Lakewood. Yes it means less people come but it means you come away with a lot less is debt.
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amother
Mintgreen
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 11:37 am
I made two weddings in the past two years (first for a son and then a daughter, so have been on both sides) and I do not live in Lakewood or NY, but OOT with a takana hall. I am surprised at these numbers. We split 50/50 with our mechutanim both times and our costs were about as follows:
Hall Package, which really includes everything - catering, music, photographer, video, beautiful silk flower centerpieces, chuppah, even the plate and glass to break: $7,500
For my son we upgraded the music from a one man band so that cost an extra $2,000. For my daughter, the chosson's side paid for the upgrade.
Invitations and stamps: $700 (a little less on boys side because he gave out chosson cards in person and my daughter mailed to her friends.
Shadchanus: $1,000 (going rate in our town per side)
Chosson classes/kallah classes: $1,000
Gifts: this was the biggest surprise expense, for both chasunas. About $4,000-$5,000. Higher on the boy's side.
Both vorts were in the house without catering. For my son the kallah's side bought most of the food/paper goods so cost us about $300 including liquor. By my daughter we paid for most food (although family/friends dropped off things) and an extra $200 for a server to help clean up and refill platters, so our cost was closer to $700.
Gowns: $800 for 3 gowns when my son got married (myself and 2 daughters), about $1,200 when my daughter got married, because even though the kallah gown was from a gemach the alterations were expensive and I paid for my DIL's gown
Clothing for chosson/kallah: I don't have an exact estimate, but probably around $1,500 if you count the chasuna suit/lots of new shirts/hat/shoes and new basics for my son and the vort dress/sheva brachos clothing for my daughter.
Clothing for other family members: about $1,000 because some needed new suits and all got new shirts, ties, plus I got myself and my teen daughter new dresses (on sale) for the vort
Aufruf/Shabbos Sheva Brachos: these about even out. We did it in shul, partially cooked there by me with help from my family and partially food service, with linen tablecloths from a local gemach. With hall rental and paper goods, about $2,000 each.
Hair and makeup for chasuna: $500 for my son's chasuna - more for my daughter because kallah cost is higher and I paid for my DIL.
Sheitels for my daughter (2): $3,500
Household items for my daughter: we got a lot, including furniture, from a hachnasas kallah fund. Spent approximately $1,000-$1,500 more to supplement, from IKEA, Target, Home Goods, etc. She did get a lot of wedding gifts from her registry.
With some wiggle room for misc. expenses and things I may be forgetting, overall about $30,000. Still no pocket change and it's hard, but nowhere near $75,000.
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amother
Stonewash
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 11:40 am
| amother Blush wrote: | OP, it depends who you ask.
Please realize that many of the reaponses about "basic" will be from the same mothers here who rationalize that they must send all the "must haves" to camp, and the right sweatshirt and the $300 sneakers that everyone has because they dont want their daughter feeling snubbed.
You will get very different responses if you ask people who genuinely dont care about "protocol" and just do what they want to, and AVOID having to take out a 2nd mortgage etc!
My sister (monsey ny) got married 3 years ago, and I was very involved in the costs.
What I remember off the top of my head:
-The hall was $20k, split by both sides for 10 each. (There was another hall option for 16k, split would be 8 each. But we had too many guests)
-had a fantastic DJ, for 1.5 k
-her gown, rented not gemach, was 2k.
-other gowns-those marrieds who rented found 2-300 a gown and paid for it themselves. Kids found from gemachs for pennies.
-she got 2 gorgeous shaitels for 2k
-VORT! Guess what....you can make a vort in your house....even a small hi ranch in monsey...and save yourself 5k. I just went to someone else's vort, also in her (not large) house, in monsey. It was beautiful. Yes it was bustling and a bit crowded but that elevated the feel of the simcha. There was music playing from spotify, lots of homemade cakes,fruit, kugel etc. It was absoultely beautiful.
-"setting up the apartment".
So. Some people buy all new furniture, high end european type from the chasunah depot etc. Others realize you can get a used glass dinette table and chairs for $200, a used dining room table and chairs for $500, and buy a brand new, non-european style bedroom set from any American furniture store for a fraction of the price. You save a LOT.
-Towels, cutlery etc come from walmart, home goods and amazing savings. Hand mixers, immersion blenders, measuring cups, all baking stuff came from the dollar tree and amazing savings. We didnt step into a Jewish store once and it made a humongous difference. HUGE.
-linen- you dont need to shop in the Jewish stores. There are very nice linen sets (ok theyre not satin-y and looking like they belong in the waldorf astoria but do you really need that??)for master bedrooms, really nice, available for much cheaper in larger non-Jewish stores.
-in other words dont get fooled by the chasunah mall type thing. Yes youre saving money with them if you would otherwise have held yourself to such high standards. But if you are shopping for different things altogether, you can spend a lot less. |
This post is excellent. I feel so bad for not shopping in nonjewish stores for housewares and on Wayfair for furniture, my parents spent a fortune. I didn’t understand the value of money until after the wedding when I started paying my own bills and I realized how much money my parents had wasted. I wish they had thought of it, I was too stressed about being engaged to be thinking in a financially smart way.
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imaima
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 11:50 am
There is something I am not understanding.
If I shop online, I see designer gowns for 1-5k, many of them tzniyus.
How can a gown be 2k to rent when you can buy for the same price?
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 11:59 am
Would people be willing to share names of vendors?
I would love information regarding gown rental, inexpensive hair/makeup, florists, DJ/music….
Blush, I can get to Monsey, please share!!!
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Elfrida
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:09 pm
| imaima wrote: | There is something I am not understanding.
If I shop online, I see designer gowns for 1-5k, many of them tzniyus.
How can a gown be 2k to rent when you can buy for the same price? |
If you want a set in the same colour, and matching or similar styles, you're paying for that service.
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:17 pm
| amother Blush wrote: | OP, it depends who you ask.
Please realize that many of the reaponses about "basic" will be from the same mothers here who rationalize that they must send all the "must haves" to camp, and the right sweatshirt and the $300 sneakers that everyone has because they dont want their daughter feeling snubbed.
You will get very different responses if you ask people who genuinely dont care about "protocol" and just do what they want to, and AVOID having to take out a 2nd mortgage etc!
My sister (monsey ny) got married 3 years ago, and I was very involved in the costs.
What I remember off the top of my head:
-The hall was $20k, split by both sides for 10 each. (There was another hall option for 16k, split would be 8 each. But we had too many guests)
-had a fantastic DJ, for 1.5 k
-her gown, rented not gemach, was 2k.
-other gowns-those marrieds who rented found 2-300 a gown and paid for it themselves. Kids found from gemachs for pennies.
-she got 2 gorgeous shaitels for 2k
-VORT! Guess what....you can make a vort in your house....even a small hi ranch in monsey...and save yourself 5k. I just went to someone else's vort, also in her (not large) house, in monsey. It was beautiful. Yes it was bustling and a bit crowded but that elevated the feel of the simcha. There was music playing from spotify, lots of homemade cakes,fruit, kugel etc. It was absoultely beautiful.
-"setting up the apartment".
So. Some people buy all new furniture, high end european type from the chasunah depot etc. Others realize you can get a used glass dinette table and chairs for $200, a used dining room table and chairs for $500, and buy a brand new, non-european style bedroom set from any American furniture store for a fraction of the price. You save a LOT.
-Towels, cutlery etc come from walmart, home goods and amazing savings. Hand mixers, immersion blenders, measuring cups, all baking stuff came from the dollar tree and amazing savings. We didnt step into a Jewish store once and it made a humongous difference. HUGE.
-linen- you dont need to shop in the Jewish stores. There are very nice linen sets (ok theyre not satin-y and looking like they belong in the waldorf astoria but do you really need that??)for master bedrooms, really nice, available for much cheaper in larger non-Jewish stores.
-in other words dont get fooled by the chasunah mall type thing. Yes youre saving money with them if you would otherwise have held yourself to such high standards. But if you are shopping for different things altogether, you can spend a lot less. |
I agree with half of what you said, I say spend on linen/ towels and and apliances and go cheaper on other items such as standard kitchen table...
I got bed frames from wayfair - im living in an apt. Didnt feel the need to buy expensive furniture when I'm not in a house yet. , book case from ikea - the more expensive one so
We don't have sagging boookshelves dresser, wayfair, night table homesense. Yes, my bedroom furniture does not match, but it's temporary, iy"h I'll buy a house, and when I have some money I'll get a nice set. For me, I really didn't care. BUT we spent ALOT of money on Linen and my gown. That was what was impotent to me.
And it still came out cheaper than buying all expensive furniture.
Also, my husband had his own apt. So he came with kitchen table, accent chairs, a buffet thingy for candles and another table for other stuff.
My housewares - combination of homegoods/ anthropologie on sale and I got good appliances. Milching dishes I bought 3 years ago ( I got married at 30) and felishig dishes I got at jewish store.
Also, if you're doing all matching gowns it usually comes out more expensive as you're very limited.
There are ways to cut costs.. it's just a matter of what's a priority to you.
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:37 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Ok, I guess the next question is where do "average" people get the money from? I see every other day posters here commenting about how they are squeezed financially.
Where are these (the majority of us?) supposed to come up with 60k-75k to make a wedding? And hopefully many weddings.
It seems a little scary to be middle age and start borrowing and refinancing and taking out loans. We are at an age where we want to be paying our loans down, not starting new ones. Is that what people do? |
B"h my father had the foresight to open investment accounts when we were born ( yes, literally babies) it's easier to save when it's small sums over time. I had close to 50k.
That didn't cover everything, as I did want some upgrades ( I was almost 30 and was waiting a looong time for this) but also, my parents b"h are comfortable now( a few years ago totally not) so they were able to spend the other money from other investments accounts they had. I would not have asked for upgrades, or I would have used my own money of I knew my parents couldn't afford it.
Iy"h I plan on opening accounts when I have kids.
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amother
Candycane
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 12:41 pm
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From the day ur child gets engaged until the last night of sheva brachos you have to figure it’s going to cost you around 120. This is for basic non fancy Brooklyn wedding. And not a huge family think 6 kids type.
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imaima
↓
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 1:05 pm
| Elfrida wrote: | | If you want a set in the same colour, and matching or similar styles, you're paying for that service. |
Like people really get matching 2k gowns? Not identical but matching?
My mind is blown
I have recently been to a wedding of my non-frum relatives. They went above and beyond and made a gorgeous event, real flowers, live music with different performers…
These people have 2 kids max on both sides.
The family was dressed in very simple clothes. Festive but simple.
The bridal party wore what looked to me like Asos dresses. No opulent gowns with embroidery and complicated designs, just simple floor-length styles.
Nothing looked 2k.
And this was an event of a lifetime for one side and the other side has one more (grown independent) child.
How can be people spending this for multiple children? And then keep helping them after the wedding?
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happyness
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 1:11 pm
| amother Raspberry wrote: | We just made a wedding in Chynka in Flatbush. Family of 8. Not Takana, but pretty basic. This is girls side.
Wedding hall: 27,000
Shadchanus. 2,500
Makeup. 1,700
Sheitals 4,000
Hair 1,100
Gowns 5,000
Gifts 3,500
Vort 5,000
S. Brachos 7,000
Kallah class 2,000
Clothing, Suits for boys/housewares 3000 |
To start with, you don’t qualify for ‘pretty basic’ if you married off in Chynka
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 1:16 pm
Married off a daughter around a year ago,
$15000 cost of wedding for girls side in a takana hall
$6000 vort including photographer
$1800 shadchanus
$1500 kallah classes
$2000 gowns for kallah and mother
$6000 3 shaitels
$5500 presents for chosson
$10000 shabbos sheva brachos - simple catered shabbos meals for immediate siblings and spouses of both sides, no children, had to be catered in a hall cuz can't fit in the house
$2500 housewares, linens
furniture not included in this cost since didn't purchase that yet
all inclusive was probably around 50,000
clothes for kallah
hostess gifts and bags for shbs sheva brachos
lchaim, invitations, postage etc...
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 1:19 pm
| Elfrida wrote: | | If you want a set in the same colour, and matching or similar styles, you're paying for that service. |
And, you're very very limited. Especially if you don't have time to run around. So you get the 1st one you see and it's expensive.
Sometimes it's the bride that wants Coordinating and some times mother.
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 1:21 pm
At the end of the day, from this whole conversation, people spend on what's important to them and everyone has different priorities.
You need to sit down with son/daughter and discuss what's important to them and what you can afford.
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 2:12 pm
Anyone want to share their resources or just tell me how they spent a fraction and I’m overspending without giving me contacts?
Please share dress gemachs which are not a fortune along with florists and music
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Bnei Berak 10
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 2:26 pm
| amother Raspberry wrote: | That is just the wedding !
Aufruf, Sheva Brachas, clothing, gifts etc. it goes on and on. |
In my israeli chareidi yeshivishe circles it's very common to skip the whole Aufruf kiddush (chassan gets an aliya and that's it, no kiddush at all) and the two sides share the Shabbos Sheva brachot equally. All in order to try to cut costs. Haven't heard anyone complain.
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 2:30 pm
| amother Papaya wrote: | Anyone want to share their resources or just tell me how they spent a fraction and I’m overspending without giving me contacts?
Please share dress gemachs which are not a fortune along with florists and music |
People skip the florist and only do a bridal bouquet and the table is silk flowers.
Gemachs, I know there are in Lakewood.
Also not every rental is created equal.
Ben Haim has cheap gowns. A place off 14th street. I've never made a wedding so I don't know them off the top of my head but I have siblings that have used these.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 2:30 pm
| amother Seafoam wrote: | Married off a daughter around a year ago,
$15000 cost of wedding for girls side in a takana hall
$6000 vort including photographer
$1800 shadchanus
$1500 kallah classes
$2000 gowns for kallah and mother
$6000 3 shaitels
$5500 presents for chosson
$10000 shabbos sheva brachos - simple catered shabbos meals for immediate siblings and spouses of both sides, no children, had to be catered in a hall cuz can't fit in the house
$2500 housewares, linens
furniture not included in this cost since didn't purchase that yet
all inclusive was probably around 50,000
clothes for kallah
hostess gifts and bags for shbs sheva brachos
lchaim, invitations, postage etc... |
Question: 3 sheitels? Two for kallah and one for you? Or 3 for kallah?
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amother
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Wed, Jul 10 2024, 2:30 pm
| amother Papaya wrote: | Anyone want to share their resources or just tell me how they spent a fraction and I’m overspending without giving me contacts?
Please share dress gemachs which are not a fortune along with florists and music |
Silk flowers - Hall usually has a contact.
Once you start at real flowers, it will be expensive.
1 man band - there has to be are alot of up and coming singers - I don't know any, but ask around.
Photographer - also, alot of up and coming people.
Gowns - I don't know any gemachs, but gemachs are meant to be cheaper than a rental - in monsey I know there are listing's in the weekly papers.
Furniture - decide what you want to spend money on.
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