My daughter hit me

amother

Coral ↓

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 2:49 am

Here's what I would do:

Take her out one on one to icecream or for lunch
Start by apologizing for kicking her out of the house.
Validate the frustration about the preganancy
Then start discussing the self regulation issues
Chances are that she scared herself too
Ask her how she thinks she can avoid this happening again. She may have good ideas
Offer tools - a book, online videos on self regulation, a therapist, ect.

Explain that this is a red line that can never be crossed again. If it is, she will need to go to a psychiatrist for an evaluation, even against her will, because physical violence is just not acceptable ever. Explain that if that happens it will not be a punishment - it will be because she obviously does not have control over her reactions, even when she knows they are not acceptable.

amother

Gray

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 3:07 am

The people suggesting ice cream are wrong. I have a difficult son like this (doesn’t hit me but gets physically aggressive and curses me out saying the most horrible things). He has a lot of issues. You can’t pretend that this isn’t a big deal. You need to deal with it asap via therapy. For now you need to grey rock her while you’re getting an appointment.

amother

DarkCyan ↓

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 5:53 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

You really need professional help. Go yourself . Start somewhere. Is she your oldest ? Youngest ? Somewhere in the middle ?

Does she feel like she has to take care of a bunch of younger siblings ?

No matter what, unacceptable but you need to start doing something . This won’t go away on its own .

yes this
what you describe is completely unacceptable
no way to live in your home
there is never an excuse for such behavior to be tolerated
get professional help for yourself so as to effectively help create a healthier environment for all of you

salt

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 5:59 am

amother Slategray wrote:

Op there's more to the story. If a child wishes her mother would die, its a lot more than hitting. The hitting was done on the spur of the moment from anger. The wishing for death is something she has been thinking/feeling for a while. I was a teenager that wished my mother would die. I refused therapy at that time. My mother went for therapy and it changed the dynamics. You must go for help.

Not necessarily true. People say things that they don't mean in a moment of anger too.

amother

Darkblue

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 6:48 am

Most therapists tell the parents to get the help how to deal with their kids and if still necessary their kid can go for help. So best to get yourself a therapist asap

↑ #BestBubby

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 8:57 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

It is very very normal for a teen to be angry that mom is pregnant. Especially a teen who's mom isn't managing well or does alot at home. No, teens don't get to make those decisions, but when parents decide to have another baby, they need to take in consideration all other children and the household in general. Parents often have babies for selfish reasons and aren't thinking about the needs of their other kids or household when making a decision.

It is very abnormal to hit a parent.

People normalizing this horror is what causes this.

Highstrung

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:01 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It is very abnormal to hit a parent.

People normalizing this horror is what causes this.

I disagree that anyone normalizing this horror is causing this. Firstly, she didn’t normalize this behavior. She explained the common feeling of teens when their moms are pregnant.
Not one person on this thread normalized the hitting . There is obviously something abnormal going on within this child and she needs help. Whatever that abnormal thing is , is what causing the abnormal behavior.

amother

Candycane

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:33 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

If a teen is angry that her mother is pregnant because the mother now has less energy and the house isn’t in tip top shape like the teen believes it should be, then that teen is way out of line. You can’t say in the same breath that the teen doesn’t get to make the decision but also that parents can’t have more kids if their teen won’t like it.

amother

NeonGreen

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:42 am

When I was twelve my mother was pregnant with an extremely hard pregnancy. She was in bed most of the time and I had to do a lot extra. I was resentful and scared about my mother. In her fifth month she told me she was pregnant and I was so happy and more than willing to help out around the house because my mother was pregnant.
And this was with having not the best relationship with my mother

amother

↑ Yarrow ↓

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:48 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

Same!

amother

Red

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 9:58 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

Parents don't always decide. Sometimes Hashem decides without the parents.

I know a few friends whose mothers had an "oops" when the girls were in their teens. Yes, it can be very uncomfortable for the children, but too bad. There's really nothing the mother can do, and it's totally inappropriate to lash out this way. I understand the anger, I don't understand the hitting. That's way out of line. These friends ended up totally loving their baby siblings by the way! Although that doesn't always happen, I know.

amother

↑ Cobalt ↓

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 10:25 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It is very abnormal to hit a parent.

People normalizing this horror is what causes this.

Where did I say that it's normal to hit a parent? I actually said that it's absolutely unacceptable and the teen must be told this.
Not 1 poster is normalizing hitting a parent.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 11:21 am

Thank you all for your comments and support. It will take time until she and I can see a therapist. I set up a call with relief for a recommendation for early next week and then I am assuming it will take a bit of time until I can get an appointment. How do I interact with her until then?

CPenzias ↓

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:06 pm

I probably don't have the same parenting style as others here but I'd sit her down and talk to her about how babies are made and let her know that the decision for you to be pregnant is one between you and her father and is none of her business.

amother

↑ Yarrow ↓

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:29 pm

CPenzias wrote:

She'll be even more mad.. that it was consciously done!
Doesnt sound like she respects her parents decisions

amother

Yolk

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:30 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Is she from the oldest? Does she do a lot at home?
I was the oldest girl from a large clan, alot fell on me at home. Once I hit my teens, I became so so so angry whenever my mother was pregnant yet again. I cannot describe how upset I was. I wanted to run away. My mother didn't validate or try to understand me at all.
OP, I'd say give her space, let her feel her feelings. I hope you did validate her and try to understand her & how she's feeling. When she has a calm moment, maybe take her out for ice cream or bring her home a treat & have a serious conversation with her that she's allowed to be angry and frustrated, but hitting a parent is never ever ok.
Does she usually lash out like this when she's upset, or only in the current situation?

im sorry and I hope it didn’t affect how you parent now. Sad

sounds awful

amother

↑ Cobalt

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:31 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

im sorry and I hope it didn’t affect how you parent now. Sad

sounds awful

It effected me in a good way. I try to do better for my kids. I don't keep having babies while relying on my older kids run the house.

↑ CPenzias

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:38 pm

amother Yarrow wrote:

She'll be even more mad.. that it was consciously done!
Doesnt sound like she respects her parents decisions

And it might gross her out! 😬 (I have a 17 year old. When he says inappropriate things I respond in kind and he usually shuts up)