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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Burntblack
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 Sat, Jan 04 2025, 10:38 pm
Oh dear. I said so many "I will never"s
I said "I will never buy a crib tent"
"I will never buy a bunkbed" (becuase of the camp idea. - spoiler alert! I did. Bh the family grew and space became tight. 2 beds in that room was too much. It just made sense.)
I will never potch. I will never yell at my kid....
I will never sleep train.... or do cio...
Well, I've yelled more times than I can remember.
I have potched, and yes when my kids/toddlers did dangerous things.
And shocker of all, I BOUGHT and put up a crib tent!
My kid was barely a year and climbing out of the crib at all hours of the night. We bought a crib tent, left it out and the kids played in it for a few days. It was the new fun forte and then it went onto the crib. Easy transition. Not a single tear.
Took it off when baby was 2.5 and now she's afraid to climb out. She got some sense that she might hurt herself.
I don't think I'd ever do CIO or sleep training. I don't think I'll have the heart for it. But, I never had to, my baby's mostly fell asleep while being BF and went back to sleep after BF when they'd wake in the night. I rarely if ever left my bf babies overnight. (I can't remember more than one time over a shabbos. A decade or 2 ago) and my toddlers were pretty good at bedtime. Wasn't a breeze but nothing crazy.
So no, I'm not judging those who did and had to.
But running in the street. ooh that's a big one.
We live in a suburban neighborhood.
We spend 7-8 months out of the year outdoors.
Until the weather is below 50 were mostly outside. Before and after the summer. This year was until early/mid November...
And yes. My kids are RUNNERS. With one toddler I litterally lost 15 lbs over the summer just from running after him.
I became so thin it wasn't funny. As soon as my bottom touched the chair he was off towards the road.
A leash didn't help becuase he was upset all the time and screamed. I'd let him scream a bit but the entire group of ladies and kids were aghast, and so disturbed. (Don't blame them!!!) And my other kids all wanted to be out. I couldn't punish them and take them indoors....
So we resorted to a potch. Once twice three times and it magically worked.
No it wasn't a very light tap. Yes it hurt a little. Foolish me just finally did it end of the summer. Whew. Imagine how peaceful my summer would have been had I don't it 3 months before?
My next toddler I had older kids and they would take the 5 yo previous toddler who was the "runner" with them out to play and I'd ask an adult to supervise too.
And I'd leave for home every time the toddler ran for the street. After like maybe 8x maybe more she got the message and never ran again. (Stubborn independent kids I've got! Bh for that!)
My older kids didn't have a driveway or front yard to play in. We lived in bkly.
Point of this long post, DONT JUDGE. You never know why and when you'll end up in those shoes.
One of my neighbors used to be EXTREMELY Judgemental about one of my kids behavioral challanges. He has adhd (not that toddler who was the runner. He's a regular kid now. Actually quiet a calm peaceful disposition nowadays) and I have never shared his diagnosis with my neighbor. And as much as she sees outdoors, where his antics are just part of boy fun, (mostly) he can be so so so so challenging at home and in school. (Plus the learning challanges that come with adhd)
She always judged me as if I created my childs issues. And how I dealt with it. (With professional guidance)
Fast forward 5 years, and she's having a TERRIBLE time with one of her daughters.
I truly feel sorry for her. I do. Becuase I know what it's like. It's so sad. I often say, don't judge someone else unless you were in there shoes. Or else chv hashem will help you understand them so you won't need to be dlks, you'll be living the dlks....
Do what works for your family, and if you don't need to go to more extreme measures to keep your children safe, thank hashem for it!
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amother
Coral
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 4:22 am
There are loads of alternatives to 'potching' all of them require more effort and patience on the part of the parent. Since parenting is all about managing your emotional regulation and patience as a parent then I don't blame people for pitching as a gut instinct in these situations, but it's definitely not ideal or the gold standard of parenting.
It's a short cut and we all have to take short cuts in parenting for our own sanity (abuse is obviously inexcusable) but potching is something I would try to avoid at all costs.
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 5:02 am
| amother Coral wrote: | There are loads of alternatives to 'potching' all of them require more effort and patience on the part of the parent. Since parenting is all about managing your emotional regulation and patience as a parent then I don't blame people for pitching as a gut instinct in these situations, but it's definitely not ideal or the gold standard of parenting.
It's a short cut and we all have to take short cuts in parenting for our own sanity (abuse is obviously inexcusable) but potching is something I would try to avoid at all costs. |
When you have a runner, you don't have time to gently train them. And you also can't stay holed up until they are mature enough to understand!
Noone said it's ideal, but if it's that or a dead/damaged child, I think a porch is ok.
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amother
Jean
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 5:18 am
I do potch sometimes. But I don't think running in the street qualifies as a reason to potch.
And yes, I had a runner.
I would:
Hold my toddler's hand
Hold her
Warn her that if she goes into the street we would go inside, and followed through on that
Discussed many many many many times about the concept of cars in the street and you need to ask mommy before you go in the street or you could get a boo boo cuz a car can bump into you by mistake
And we stayed inside for a good chunk of time because I couldn't trust her enough, and it was stressful for me to be outside with her.
But now she bh knows better. And doesn't go in the street.
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amother
Orchid
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 5:29 am
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My 7 year old ds wld think it was funny to step into the curb or test the incoming cars jumping back etc I used to potch and threaten they didn’t work for him just made things worse. I had to show him footage on the Jewish news from a car knocking a boy down cuz the boy ran thru a red light on a bike. He never tried it again. As a toddler he was impulsive I wld keep him enclosed in front yard with gate so he wldnt decide to run off.
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 5:33 am
| amother Jean wrote: | I do potch sometimes. But I don't think running in the street qualifies as a reason to potch.
And yes, I had a runner.
I would:
Hold my toddler's hand
Hold her
Warn her that if she goes into the street we would go inside, and followed through on that
Discussed many many many many times about the concept of cars in the street and you need to ask mommy before you go in the street or you could get a boo boo cuz a car can bump into you by mistake
And we stayed inside for a good chunk of time because I couldn't trust her enough, and it was stressful for me to be outside with her.
But now she bh knows better. And doesn't go in the street. |
I guess you never had a child that's impulsive or just doesn't internalize what you say no matter how many times you talk to him.
I also wouldn't punish all my other kids and keep them locked in for a good chunk of time just because of the toddler.
I also wouldn't want my kids to have a stressful mother for a good chunk of time, just because of the toddlers behaviors.
A simple potch avoided all of that in one minute. It also allowed for me to be a better mother for ALL of my kids. Mom was more relaxed, my other kids got to enjoy summer outdoors and the little toddler was safer because he now was much more hesitant to run out in the road.
Win-win all the way around.
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amother
Royalblue
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 5:35 am
I live on a very busy street. Ch’v if a kid ran into the street there wouldn’t be a chance to give a potch.
I’ve raised 6 babies/toddlers in this house and they were never given the chance bec of how terrifying it is. (And yes I’ve had impulsive and difficult children. With our street there are no second chances. Think constant cars going 40 miles per hour with no stop)
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keym
↓
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 6:01 am
| amother Oatmeal wrote: | I guess you never had a child that's impulsive or just doesn't internalize what you say no matter how many times you talk to him.
I also wouldn't punish all my other kids and keep them locked in for a good chunk of time just because of the toddler.
I also wouldn't want my kids to have a stressful mother for a good chunk of time, just because of the toddlers behaviors.
A simple potch avoided all of that in one minute. It also allowed for me to be a better mother for ALL of my kids. Mom was more relaxed, my other kids got to enjoy summer outdoors and the little toddler was safer because he now was much more hesitant to run out in the road.
Win-win all the way around. |
Yeah, my toddlers were impulsive AND defiant.
A potch on the hand was the guaranteed method to have them go into the street again.
I can't relate to all these posts that a potch and they never did it again.
My first 3, I potched for streets, that's what I was supposed to right?
They went into the street, I potched their hand
They cried. Then looked at me, huge smile and deliberately walked into the street.
I potched again.
Cried again, into the street again.
My kids were regular impulsive and defiant toddlers.
I can't relate to the one and done mentality
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 6:05 am
| keym wrote: | Yeah, my toddlers were impulsive AND defiant.
A potch on the hand was the guaranteed method to have them go into the street again.
I can't relate to all these posts that a potch and they never did it again.
My first 3, I potched for streets, that's what I was supposed to right?
They went into the street, I potched their hand
They cried. Then looked at me, huge smile and deliberately walked into the street.
I potched again.
Cried again, into the street again.
My kids were regular impulsive and defiant toddlers.
I can't relate to the one and done mentality |
If you have defiant kids that's another story. That speaks to my earlier comment where I mentioned that there are so many different type of kids, and no one way works for everyone. So people shouldn't judge based others on their personal experience.
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keym
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 6:09 am
| amother Oatmeal wrote: | | If you have defiant kids that's another story. That speaks to my earlier comment where I mentioned that there are so many different type of kids, and no one way works for everyone. So people shouldn't judge based others on their personal experience. |
My kids were defiant toddlers.
They weren't that unusual. I used to work with toddlers.
You know how many toddlers need to check out something. If you say hot, they need to feel it for themselves, if you say sharp, they need to touch it.
I truly believe that one and done potching is actually very rare. There are some kids who run into the street get a potch and they never do it again.
But I think it's rare and way more parents are potching for streets again and again.
But hey, that's me.
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amother
Waterlily
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:07 am
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I have that danger kid who tries all those dangerous stuff. I never potched. I told her the oven is hot I took her hand near it and showed her the heat coming from it. She decided to touch anyway and burned her hand a little ( thos was over a year ago and she never did it again ). I tell her stories about kids walking into the stress and cars smashing them l. I show her how fast the cars are going and how dangerous it is. She asks to hold my hand before we even start crossing. A potch doesn't teach a child not to cross the street it teaches them as long as mommy is there I can't do it. But what if your not there then the threat isn't there and they will do it.
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amother
Mimosa
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:23 am
| amother Waterlily wrote: | | I have that danger kid who tries all those dangerous stuff. I never potched. I told her the oven is hot I took her hand near it and showed her the heat coming from it. She decided to touch anyway and burned her hand a little ( thos was over a year ago and she never did it again ). I tell her stories about kids walking into the stress and cars smashing them l. I show her how fast the cars are going and how dangerous it is. She asks to hold my hand before we even start crossing. A potch doesn't teach a child not to cross the street it teaches them as long as mommy is there I can't do it. But what if your not there then the threat isn't there and they will do it. |
I’m sorry but it’s seriously misplaced Rachmanus to reason with a kid and allow her to get burnt rather than one hard firm potch. I’m so happy all you mothers are standing on principle and taking a chance with your child running into the street again. You can’t equate hearing something form a parent and being forcefully shown it (potch) there is no excuse not to potch when a child gleefully runs into the street!
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:26 am
| keym wrote: | My kids were defiant toddlers.
They weren't that unusual. I used to work with toddlers.
You know how many toddlers need to check out something. If you say hot, they need to feel it for themselves, if you say sharp, they need to touch it.
I truly believe that one and done potching is actually very rare. There are some kids who run into the street get a potch and they never do it again.
But I think it's rare and way more parents are potching for streets again and again.
But hey, that's me. |
I don't agree that it's rare. If a parent frequently patches, then it loses its impact. But if you rarely potch, and limit it to extreme circumstances, such as running in the street, it really works. It leaves a strong impact on the kid and lasts a very long time.
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:27 am
| amother Waterlily wrote: | | I have that danger kid who tries all those dangerous stuff. I never potched. I told her the oven is hot I took her hand near it and showed her the heat coming from it. She decided to touch anyway and burned her hand a little ( thos was over a year ago and she never did it again ). I tell her stories about kids walking into the stress and cars smashing them l. I show her how fast the cars are going and how dangerous it is. She asks to hold my hand before we even start crossing. A potch doesn't teach a child not to cross the street it teaches them as long as mommy is there I can't do it. But what if your not there then the threat isn't there and they will do it. |
Seriously, if this scenario would repeat itself with a car, you think it would have a good outcome too?
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keym
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:29 am
| amother Oatmeal wrote: | | I don't agree that it's rare. If a parent frequently patches, then it loses its impact. But if you rarely potch, and limit it to extreme circumstances, such as running in the street, it really works. It leaves a strong impact on the kid and lasts a very long time. |
Good for you that it works.
My experience was never potching at all. At 2, they ran in the street, I potched, they cried, they ran right back in.
And I see relatives and neighbors outside. Potching for streets daily for two or three weeks.
That's not exactly the flex and shock that we seem to think it is.
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amother
Denim
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:48 am
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I live in Lakewood in a development. Kids play outside all the time and will occasionally run into the parking lot when you are looking away for a second. You can't hold onto your kids in the playground ,you want them to run around no? I guess you don't live in a place like that. I remember one terrifying time when my little toddler went zooming down the street in her trike and didn't stop before a busy street. BH I caught her in time but it is scary!
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amother
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 7:55 am
| amother Oatmeal wrote: | | Seriously, if this scenario would repeat itself with a car, you think it would have a good outcome too? |
Would you risk your kid getting ran over by a car, because you potched her for it once, so now she should know better? Of course not! You'd stay close enough to grab her if she darted again, because deep down you know that a potch is not a 100% trustable solution.
No one ever says
"Well yesterday I pitched my kid for running into the street, so today I will let him near the street and not supervise."
Just like no one says
"Well yesterday I said no!/showed kid scary video of getting ran over by car/whatever gentle parenting method, so today I don't need to bother with supervision, yay!"
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amother
Aster
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:13 am
| Trademark wrote: | One thing when I these kinds of posts also regarding sleep training, is that people have different kind of children and you can't generalize.
Some have easier children than others.
Maybe one mother has a child run into the street once and she knows next time to take a toddler leash.
Some people have more stubborn children who won't let themselves go to sleep while others are much easier.
Etc etc
But the whole my child never did that or I'm able to sleep train without any crying. I'm sorry but maybe you have it easy and don't judge others so quickly.
Obligatory imamother disclaimer: obviously I'm not talking about abusive practices. |
Yes and no.
Of course people have different kids and we can't judge others.
But specifically regarding potching, I do see that people tend to be very principled about whether they do or don't, even without taking into account the type of child
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mommy3b2c
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Sun, Jan 05 2025, 8:16 am
| keym wrote: | Good for you that it works.
My experience was never potching at all. At 2, they ran in the street, I potched, they cried, they ran right back in.
And I see relatives and neighbors outside. Potching for streets daily for two or three weeks.
That's not exactly the flex and shock that we seem to think it is. |
It worked for me. Not that my toddlers ever get a chance to run into the street I’m a crazy hovering helicopter. What they would do was look at me with a mischievous smile and challenge me so I purposely let them put one foot in the street and grabbed them out and gave them a tap on the hand while sternly telling them no. They cried and never tried to play that game again .
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