My principal died. TW

amother

Catmint ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:08 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

We don't badmouth the dead because we don't do anything to the dead that they can't respond to in kind.

You don't have to suddenly love this person, nor do you have to sing her praises. Just keep your thoughts to yourself as you did while she was alive.

Also, carrying around all this hate is corroding you from the inside out. High School was presumably a while ago; you should have gotten past it by now. As you haven't, professional help may be called for.

This has no basis. She was the victim a person of power did something horrible to her. Her dying without asking for forgiveness and genuinely feeling sorry about it, doesn’t mean she needs to pretend it didn’t happen. What’s your source that you can’t speak about trauma and abuse that a dead person caused? I didn’t see any of this attitude when walder died. Do you just pick and choose which aveiros we can talk about?

amother

Lime ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:12 am

amother Green wrote:

Of course your experience is valid. I don't think the previous poster meant to shame you at all. She's just concerned that people might figure out who the principal is and it might hurt that principal's family members. It's so difficult when someone passes away who was not an easy person. You're left with many mixed feelings and guilt and that's totally valid and okay. It just may not be the right time to post this in case people can figure out who it is and it would be hurt. Best thing would be to speak to someone irl for now and then restart this thread in a few months as the poster suggested.

Why are the principal p’s family members more in need of being protected, than op and other students? They are being hurt again and again when they hear see and read all the praise being bestowed upon the dead.

And for the poster who asked, yes there are definitely untrue praise being said at levayas.
My grandma insist on not having any speeches at her funeral for this precise reason.

amother

Tangerine ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:15 am

amother Lime wrote:

There's a time and place for everything. A public forum when someone just died is not the time, nor the place.

amother

Steel ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:45 am

amother Catmint wrote:

I believe that is the halacha, you aren't supposed to talk about the dead.
CW was an exception because he was in the category of a truly wicked person with no redeeming qualities.

Frumomsi

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:56 am

This may be an unfortunate post (you could have written some other vague title instead of principal) but it does support the dangers of being maspid someone too much. Exaggerating can lead to such feelings as OP has.
In addition, OP, you probably can see how she may have had a more positive relationship with others as most authority figures are imperfect but not actual monsters. This is something I repeat over and over to my kids. Adults make mistakes. They aren’t perfect or even close to it.

amother

↑ Amber

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:59 am

If it makes you feel any better, apparently the Neshama doesn't like when it receives praises which aren't true. It's cringe. That's one of the reasons that many great people ask for no hespedim.

amother

Pear

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:04 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

There is one male principal that to this day I will be happy when/if I hear that he died because I know that every day he’s alive he’s hurting more vulnerable kids like me.
There’s actually one girl who shared her story with me and ended up dying of an overdose. He’s literally killing kids.
You’re not a bad person, just a very hurt one.

Me too. I wonder if it’s the same one. Rasha.

SuperWify

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:09 pm

Op, if this is any comfort...

When I was young I literally believed that hashem only takes the good people. When someone died there was always poetic praises and poems written of the Niftar waxing their virtues for all eternity. And I truly believed that each one was such a huge gadol.

Then as I was a young adult I lost a close relative. She was a good person but very very flawed. In many ways. I cringed throughout the entire Shivah. I couldn’t listen to another story of how good she was. Of what a Tzadeikes she was. I thought I knew the truth.

And then I lost another flawed relative. Same story. And then another unfortunately.

And then eventually I realized that after a person dies Hashem is the true judge and for them it is judgement day and it’s not our job as flawed humans ourselves to judge them. If we have an issue with them we need to deal with it in therapy because they are gone and we are never going to get the apology we were waiting for.

I know this is painful to accept but unfortunately this is the reality and talking bad about them will only hurt you and their families. If it helps talk to other girls in your school who feel the same way. You might find some comfort.

Hugs.

amother

↑ Lime ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:13 pm

amother Steel wrote:

I believe that is the halacha, you aren't supposed to talk about the dead.
CW was an exception because he was in the category of a truly wicked person with no redeeming qualities.

I imagine his family would beg to differ.

amother

Tulip

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am keeping those thoughts to myself. Happily.

What gets me in real life is that she's being praised to high heavens when lots of her students had a very different experience.

There's no hate being carried in my day to day life. Corroding or otherwise. I just happened to have had a triggering with someone before posting and needed to vent.

Op, you don't have to defend yourself to anyone.
Your experience just reinforces our olam hasheker.
Hopefully you will heal quickly and be a source of love and healing to others.

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:16 pm

amother Tangerine wrote:

There's a time and place for everything. A public forum when someone just died is not the time, nor the place.

I agree.
But I also hope that OP can get the closure she needs somehow.
Can everyone be right?

OP, I'll just say this: I hope you can stay away from any discussion. If you're against the wall, have no choice but have to say something somewhere, say something ambiguous and pareve. Try to take the high road, and give yourself a pat on the back. This doesn't mean the end of your journey to process the situation, but it's probably the best thing to do right now. I hope you have a good and wise IRL person you can unload to also.

notshanarishona

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:55 pm

It’s pretty typical when someone dies that we only publicly mention the good parts, even when they were not such a great person. Ever went to a levaya where they say here lies the rasha/ thief/ molestor/ etc.. it doesn’t exist. Everyone turns into the worlds biggest tzadik when they pass , but now is when you don’t need to worry because they are in the olem haemes and their is true judgement

amother

↑ Tangerine

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 2:57 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Of course she's right. I was just saying that now is not the time, and this is not the place for it right now. But yes, she must work thru it and get closure.

amother

Whitesmoke

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 3:07 pm

When my parent passed away I expressed to my therapist that it feels wrong to bring up negative things when they are going through judgement.

I'm pretty sure she told me, based on Rabbinic advice that therapists get, that when parent is in world of truth, they want my good & I can do what I need to do in order to heal. (CYLOR!)

Of course a parent is different in many ways.

amother

↑ Steel

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 4:06 pm

amother Lime wrote:

I imagine his family would beg to differ.

I am not so sure about that, and besides, that wouldn't matter.

There is a lot of responsa regarding the decree against speaking about the dead. The consensus is that it is not the proper thing to do.

According to the CC and others, it is permissible to speak Loshon hara about a rasha.

I was trying to make a distinction between OPs principal, who, I assume had many good qualities while also being very flawed, and CW who has been labeled a rasha by almost all contemporary leaders. I don't think it matters if his family found some redeeming qualities in him- it does not pertain to the halacha.

amother

↑ Lime

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 4:57 pm

Not to downplay s-xual abuse in any way, but why has it become the line in the sand suddenly? Emotional abuse can be just as bad, if not worse than sa. The damage a principal can inflict on a child in his care, is indescribable. There are lots of people around us who are reshiam if people would only know.

amother

Cream

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 7:17 pm

https://youtu.be/eMhSBMJroOQ?s.....Zwy7U

I found this video helpful when I experienced something similar - the death of someone who was horrible to me, but everyone was praising that person to the skies.

I hope you find your healing - it's a really tough thing to go through.

amother

Canary

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 7:36 pm

Op is it possible that you still don’t forgive her and that’s why it bothers you so much?
I was wronged by my principal gaslit accused called lots of names… emotionally abused. Everyone always said how they love her I’m so lucky to have her… I decided that I was going to work on forgiving even though I would never get an apology and she would never admit she was wrong. Every time I saw her or heard someone mention her name I thought of one thing good about her. In the beginning I literally had nothing nice to think. So I thought people say she’s nice or people say she’s thoughtful… eventually I was able to say I saw her be kind to someone I saw her help a teacher etc based on what I saw and slowly slowly I came to forgive her. I didn’t forget it still hurts when I think about it but I was able to let go. Forgiving is really for you not her.
In this case it’s different because she’s already niftar but perhaps whenever you hear something good acknowledge that it’s someone else’s experience and while she was mean to you she was nice to her so she’s not all evil try to paint her in your mind as something else so you can forgive and let go.