Am I the mean mother (Spin off thread)

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 2:41 pm

I also don't understand this. I see it crop up in threads about the girls complaining how their mother dresses and it's mind boggling to me. I have a teen. Teens are embarrassed by their parents' very existence and don't notice how cringey THEY are (they will realize it in 10 years). Such is life. We are still the parents and we do not need to accept this. BTW, I'm not some rigid, tight ship parent either. I'm lax about a number of things, things you'd probably judge me for. But basic respect for me and dh both as human beings and as parents is non-negotiable.

amother

Vanilla

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 2:53 pm

My oldest DD makes requests about my clothes. She wants us to wear matching hot pink dresses with matching belts. She wants to go for manicures together. She wants to curl my sheitel the way she saw someone else do. She wants me to wear my band fall more often and pick out my headbands.

She is just an artsy kid who loves color and loves accessories and is creative, with a mom who is boring, routine, and a bit of a frump. She thinks I'm pretty and wants to dress me up because it's fun. I don't feel insulted or disrespected.

amother

Sage

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 2:57 pm

Yes, you are a mean mother.
So am I LOL

I’m 38 and my teens are boys but I have preteen girls. And I clearly remember being a teenager. I never would have gotten away with the behaviors on that thread. I wasn’t a perfect teen but I never would’ve even entertained the thought of doing those things.
I’m a little more permissive with my kids because they all have ADHD and I need to pick my battles, but if they try that kind of behavior I shut it down real quick.

↑ mha3484 ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:11 pm

I was talking to DH about some of my fathers gems as a teenager and I try to imagine parents today using those and wonder how they would go over. Some favorites were:

My house is not the hotel and I am not the maid,

When asked to get paid for babysitting my brother, the response was room and board IE you live here for free

I am the judge jury and executioner so don't try to negotiate with me.

The 80s and 90s were a different time

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:30 pm

Some of the things that OP mentioned are also hard no’s in my house but some of it is just the life of having older children.
Being an über driver isn’t about my kids making demands it’s my kids having a genuine need to get places. You said you have a 13 year old son. Is going to friends bar mitzvahs a thing where you live because my boys could easily have 30 they get invited to in 7th grade and they need to get there and back if I don’t want them wandering around town alone in the dark. Plus the general ride to a friend or to learn or minyan because the walkable one didn’t work out for some reason. Add a high school girl who has play practice and wants to study with friends and it’s an insane amount of driving, and these are kids who are appreciative, ask nicely and are understanding that they have to work with my schedule and accept a no sometimes.
A restaurant, well when every single child comes home at a different time it is somewhat my job to make sure there’s food available for them. I can’t just clean up at 6 after the first shift.

amother

Beige ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:31 pm

I'm not a mean mom. I'm the worst mom!
(So I've been told)
I earned this title due to curfews and questions about where child will be spending their time. I have a teen that loves the phone at all hours of the day. I am so embarrassing one won't walk down the Block Gotcha! Before leaving the house ive been asked what I will be wearing , to their credit I do sometimes get compliments. My restaurant is expected (it doesn't) to have all night hrs with hot fresh food.very often my food doesn't meet approval.
Btw only teen boys. Gotchya!

↑ mha3484 ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:38 pm

I am happy to drive my son to bar mitzvahs or to minyan on occasion but the uber comment was more that I teach him to respect my time too. I am happy to take you places within reason but I am not an on demand service. I have a job, he has other siblings, he has a father who has obligations. My goal is that all my kids should understand that there is a limit to how much time I can give.

If like a bar mitzvah we know a month in advance great its on the calendar and I am happy to drive you. If your friend makes a party at the last minute I cant always promise I can take you. If you miss the minyan bus I cant just run out of the house and take you to school. Your not the center of the universe. Its about balance.

amother

Antiquewhite

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:38 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I deleted a comment from the girls coming back from camp thread but I wanted to ask here. I don't know if its a generational thing I am 40 or a personality aka I am the mean mommy. But I have a 13 turning 14 year old son. Also an almost 10 year old so a preteen and some younger kids.

Most of what the OP from that thread doesnt miss is stuff that is a hard no in my house all year. Talking on the phone at 1am, telling me what to wear, the expectations. I am not the maid, the uber, a restaurant where you can send your food back. As my father loved to tell me growing up my house is not a hotel and I am not the maid.

Am I mean? Old? Normal? Anyone relate? I think this could be a really interesting discussion.

I’m a year younger than you and feel the same. Only 2 teenagers so far and several younger children, and most of these things dont happen in our house. Not saying they never happen. DD does leave her hairbrush out; I make her put it away. I get a very occasional eyeroll but usually an immediate apology.

Not to say that I still don’t savor camp and the alone time. I’ve got a few kids away now, and life is definitely more slow paced. Don’t have to make big dinners, way less mess, less laundry etc. so while I can’t relate to those specific examples, I relate to the feeling of freedom.

amother

↑ Beige ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:49 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I'm ducking waiting for the tomatoes.
Everyone here choosing to live in suburbia. Or any communities not easily accessible for safe walking by children. Have by nature and default made yourself the , parents into a full time car service driver. It is the parents roll to ensure children get where they need to go. And some times that includes last minute arrangements..

watergirl

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 3:52 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I raised two girls through their teen years (in their 20s now). I’m the same way as you. I’m not authoritarian, but my girls would never dare treat me like I’m the hired help.

amother

Cornsilk

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 4:00 pm

amother Beige wrote:

I agree with this.

I live in Lakewood. There is no public transportation and minimal walking. My teen boys are each in a different yeshiva more than 5 miles away. If their bus doesn't come, or the carpool falls through and my kid calls at 10:15 at night, it's my obligation to get him own safely.

In an ideal world, I prefer that my teen girls get jobs walkable or with transportation, but it's not always an option. They don't get told a monthly in advance mandatory staff meeting. They get told the day before and I have to juggle my calendar to drive them. Or a staff night. Or grade shiur.

Bh my kids have chavrusos and multiple minyanim walkable. But I know many friends drive their boys to minyanim and chavrusos daily because the ones walkable are bad timing.
After Pesach, my boys go home before maariv and then daven when they get off the bus. But my friends shul, maariv is at 9, and they got off the bus at 9:10. Which means she was driving her son everynight to the 9:30 minyan.

That's life.
And this is the kind of "Uber driving" that I look forward to vacation from when they go to camp and

↑ mha3484

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 4:04 pm

But there is a difference between school related driving or if your daughter has a job and you need to help her get there vs constantly shlepping your daughters around to socialize or go shopping. Teaching our kids a middle ground that sometimes I can take you but today doesnt work for me is good for their middos.

amother

↑ Thistle ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 4:11 pm

mha3484 wrote:

The driving most teen girls need isn't for shopping or for a job. It's for school production rehearsals, stay lates, performances, and other extra curricular yet still school related events for the most part. If you don't have teen girls yet, you wouldn't know how much of this is yet to come.

amother

↑ Cantaloupe

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 4:13 pm

amother Beige wrote:

I had to buy where I can afford. I decided it’s better for my kids to have space and a yard than live in a city in a tiny apartment. That doesn’t mean I owe them anything. I always drive for school things, but fun stuff I tell them it has to be once a month or whatever makes sense.

amother

Navy

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 4:39 pm

Just wanna post this:

Ok, my one and only daughter was born when I was 40 so maybe I'm out of touch. But there was a recent Kichels where the teenage daughter was giving her mother a camp list, and as I was reading it I was wondering out loud at how much things have changed. My 11 year daughter responded- "the mother fell for it!!" In other words she knows it's all a bluff.

We've been telling our mothers since the year one that "everyone" is getting x, y and z. When I was a kid we were told too bad. Nowadays the parents are too scared of their kids...

amother

↑ Beige

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 6:15 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

I here where your coming from. But in a teens life the "fun" stuff is,more important than school things. ...once a month is pretty rare when it's Yom tov vacation midterms summer etc....

ora_43

Sat, Jul 27 2024, 3:53 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

Some of the things that OP mentioned are also hard no’s in my house but some of it is just the life of having older children.

Yeah I didn't read that OP as being a victim of her demanding/bossy kids, more like, there are things she chooses to do as their mother that are a bit annoying at times. And there are things they do that everyone does, that can be inconvenient (like, it's convenient to have 2 fewer people doing laundry and 2 fewer people needing to shower, even if of course there's nothing at all wrong with kids washing their clothes or showering).

It wouldn't be mean to have slightly stricter rules but OP's hardly a pushover for letting teens use the phone at night, or taking them clothes shopping, or for having teens who sometimes say things like 'there's nothing to eat' or 'can we go on a trip?' Those are really really normal things for teens to say/do.

rainbow dash

Sat, Jul 27 2024, 7:41 pm

amother Beige wrote:

I live in antwerp Belgium. Everything here is within walking distance. And my kids as do most kids bike everywhere.