Its hard for me | Imamother

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 3:11 pm

amother Obsidian wrote:

OP, this sounds very hard. I commend you that you're able to put your personal feelings aside for the sake of family-together time.
My first thought reading your post was that the wonderful thing is that maybe BILs behavior will rub off on your DH, or when BIL steps in to help because DH is dragging his feet he will snap out of it and realize what he should be doing. But I guess if this is already going on a while perhaps that just isn't the case. Which maybe makes it all the harder -- that these two men grew up in the same home with the same parents and turned out so differently and on top of that DH isn't even picking up the cues from BIL.
I guess my question for you would be: have you ever tried talking to your DH about this? Not in a shaming or comparing way of "why can't you be more like your brother?" but just to say how much you really need his help, that you wish he would be more attentive, that you wouldn't always have to feel you were nagging asking for assistance, etc. We would all like our husbands to anticipate our needs and act on them unprompted but many men don't get things if we don't spell them out. And some are (forgive me) a bit denser than others. I think a real gentle heart to heart talk might go a long way.

He has ASD, nothing is rubbing off anywhere. He doesn't have a generous nature and he's not great with the kids. He helps when I request it and it works for him.

Cheiny

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 3:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Im not looking to feel better by imagining their tzoros. I don't want anyone to suffer and I don't have any reason to believe that they are, nor am I curious if that it the case.
I need to feel better about my own husband and my own marriage.
DH has ASD, all my asking in the world doesn't change his brain wiring. He is not naturally in tune. When he is asked to do something he answers literally, if he can now or if he's busy. He doesn't stop to do something for me if he's doing something else. Even if something else is reading or napping.
I've tried to work on these things with him but it just makes him feel criticized (regardless of how I word it) and unappreciated.
I have to do a lot of work on myself and my thoughts to appreciate DH but in the face of his brother, it all goes out the window and I spend a lot of time crying.

I don’t agree with others who say you have to find a way to be happy with him despite him never helping or treating you well. You have a right to be treated well, to be made to feel cherished and appreciated. If it doesn’t help when you speak to him gently about how it makes you feel when he’s neglectful of your wishes that way, I’d say you should insist on counseling together so this issue can be raised in a neutral atmosphere and he can be made aware of how he makes you feel, and he can be given suggestions on how to be more demonstrative in showing you he cares and that you’re important to him.

amother

Alyssum

Fri, Jun 14 2024, 4:27 pm

OP, I'm sorry for your frustrations and your sense of unfairness about the type of marriage you have. I have a similar situation, but have lowered my expectations significantly because it's the only option for me. Yes, dh has some good qualities, but he was not taught to anticipate other people's needs and feelings. This has been consistently challenging for children and me. It's less of an issue now that they are older and we generally don't rely on him the same way. I have learned to be independent and also that being disappointed or angry just isn't helpful for me. I would agree that you don't actually know what BIL is like when he is alone with his wife. However, it would probably be better for your own sense of self if you didn't make comparisons.

Additionally, I'm very concerned about amother Jade. No husband who engages in physical abuse of his wife (including strangulation) is a good husband, by definition. You probably know this, but strangulation significantly raises the lethality index for a woman (meaning that the likelihood that he will kill you increases dramatically with that act.) https://thelaurelcenter.org/le.....ment/
Please get yourself help and speak with a trauma informed attorney and therapist. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 for resources in your area. Do it for yourself and your children. Please be safe.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Jun 15 2024, 7:33 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I never said he doesn't help or treat me nicely. He never notices to help or do something for me. It never comes from him because he doesn't pick it up. If I ask directly and specifically, he will help if he isn't busy doing something else, unless I express that it's urgent, then he will stop and get up. He is naturally very self absorbed.

I'm not sure how counseling would help?

↑ imasinger ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 4:07 am

I've been giving this a lot of thought over Shabbos, and want to share the following. I apologize in advance for the long post.

First, your situation is so relatable. It sounds like you've put in a lot of effort on yourself, all while having to do the family extras that come with having a life partner who's mind blind. But then, seeing BIL in action, who's both similar to DH in the way that siblings can be similar, and yet so very different in this key area so close to your emotional core -- it's not surprising that your carefully constructed house of cards comes tumbling down.

As someone who lives with several family members with HFA, I get it. Perhaps there might be some chizuk/helpful strategy for you in thinking about the serenity prayer.

1. Hashem, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Personally, I think "serenity" is better expressed as "emunah". It's a radical (meaning "root", down to your very core) belief that Hashem is in charge of the world, and everything happens for a reason. I might not have an answer right now, but I can trust that there is one, and it will be something good for me, even if I can't see it right this minute. Sometimes, reading a couple of vignettes at random from the Living Emunah books can help me refocus in hard moments.

2. Give me the courage to change the things that I can. In your posts, I see a few areas in which you express that you feel like you've done everything possible already. My experience is that each time I think I've done everything possible with regard to the HFA challenges in my family, I'm missing my next step. Sometimes, that next step has been further reading, counseling, learning, to figure out ways to get more of what is needed. While the level of social awareness to see a need and respond to it might be out of reach, perhaps there's a way to create something more structured, like an agreement to not start a leisure activity until doing one chore from a list you provide. Or finding a way in through a special interest, so that a request for help can feel less like a criticism.

Or perhaps, there's some inner work to be done to better understand and help the piece of you that feels hurt by not being seen and cared for. Healing old wounds can help with current abrasions.

Does any of this resonate?

3. The wisdom to know the difference. Are you feeling, after these visits, like the current status quo isn't cutting it? Maybe that's an accurate read. Don't despair, but do look for what needs to shift.

Higs and hatzlacha!

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 6:02 am

amother OP wrote:

Look up Cassandra syndrome. It's very difficult to not feel seen or heard in a relationship, and very normal to feel upset about it. There are a lot of people out there like you. Are you seeing anyone for yourself? You might be able to work out strategies on how to handle or feel whole or validated, but I feel like you're maybe being hard on yourself that you expect yourself to naturally feel happy about how your DH relates to you. It's difficult for a nt person to be in a relationship with someone with ASD. Your fact that you're struggling is normal for your situation. I hope you find the right person to help you with this.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 7:13 am

I know what Cassandra theory is, I am very well versed in the NT/ASD marriage resources although I will readily admit that there are very very limited ones out there.
Most basically advise either living parallel lives or getting divorced. I don't want to do either of those things. I have worked on my acceptance of things. Of course during times with my BIL, as imasinger so eloquently put it, it's magnified and painful. And I need to rework on the acceptance part.
The peice that is hard is not the acceptance but the feeling of love and blessed. I'm not just wanting to accept this marriage, I want to feel loved and in love with my husband. I can get there but then being around normal husbands or exceptional husbands moves things back 100 steps.
DH is a good person, he doesn't want to hurt me. He is doing his best. The only caveat is that he doesn't like taking instruction so asking for things to be improved backfires. Its why counseling backfires big time. It helps only when I ask in the actual moment.
I love him very much and he loves me but being around certain people highlights what I don't have and have been convincing myself is ok.

↑ imasinger

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 11:07 am

Maybe it's time to change the self talk?

You say you want to feel loved and in love with your husband, and "can get there but then being around normal or exceptional husbands moves things back 100 steps."

You say, being around certain people highlights what you "don't have and have been convincing yourself is ok".

Are you trying to convince yourself of something that isn't really so? Like, for example, I'm sure you and DH love each other, but if somewhere inside, you convince yourself that your relationship is almost, or is just like, someone who's more able to notice and react to your needs, you're likely going to be disappointed.

Is that what you're thinking? Or is it more along the lines of, "I'm sure he loves me, and he shows it in the following ways...", they're unique and special, and he is, too?

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 11:41 am

I really feel for you.
Your posts resonated with me in many ways.
I don't think my husband is ASD but he is very self-absorbed, immature, emotionally fragile, attention-seeking, and needs to get his way ALL the time.
He also loves me very much, is a Talmid Chochom, smart, funny, creative, and hard working. He is a devoted father (although can be very immature and self-centered when it comes to the kids, as well), and provides well for us financially.
I often find myself talking to Hashem and saying things like -I know you had reasons for sending me this particular husband, but I don't know what they are. I hope it is making me a better person, but I cannot tell if it is.
Do you feel that being married to your husband has contributed to who you are as a person?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 12:42 pm

imasinger wrote:

My line of thinking is something like "I know he loves me, he tries his best, his shortcomings are not malicious, he's not wired to anticipate my needs but he still loves me".

In the face of what I truly desire and am witness to in others, it's not enough.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 12:52 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I have grown tremendously as a person being married to DH. I've become much more patient, less judgemental, more appreciative of the little things. I've learned to see things in ways I never would have, I've learned to be more compassionate in my communication.

I've also lost a lot of my self esteem, I've become very cynical of Torah/emunah/yiddishkeit things, I'm often so lonely I feel depressed. I deal with shame and embarrassment and alienation from family members. I'm exhausted from trying to explain my needs and the needs of my children in 16 different ways to someone who literally never gets it.

If I felt cared for and loved it would all be easier but it's hard pouring from an empty cup. Filling it myself is just not cutting it. Or it cuts it until it all comes crumbling down.

amother

Aster

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 6:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

Oy op. This is all so familiar. Classic textbook asd wife. I don’t have advice I just want to tell you I GET YOU. Every. Single. Word.

amother

Amber ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 6:44 pm

The plain honest truth is that it is not fair to compare your husband against another male.
Would you want people comparing your traits with another woman?
I'm guessing not. No one likes to be compared to someone else.
They say not to compare children. Don't compare husbands either. It's not fair or nice.
People are a complete package deal. You know your husband's complete deal but you are comparing him to someone else's husband's half package that is known to you.
Would you want to be compared to a woman who only half her package deal is known?
It would do you good to concentrate on your husband and only your husband's good qualities.

Perhaps treat your husband the way you want to be treated and see if he learns from you.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 7:37 pm

amother Amber wrote:

I am not perfect but I am an excellent wife. If only my husband treated me the way I treat him.
Again I'm not comparing my BIL to my DH, I'm saying that the differences in their behavior accentuates my husbands chisronos that affect me deeply.
Interesting idea to flip it, like to imagine my husband being around someone who was more something (can't think of anything, my husband doesn't express his desires or preferences ever), how would I feel? I would feel hurt because just because I'm not x doesn't mean I'm not a whole lot of other good things.
This is an interesting exercise.

amother

↑ Amber

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 8:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Exactly
Kudos for getting it

I truly hope you start to feel like he treats you like a queen. It's a growing process.

amother

cornflower ↓

Sun, Jun 16 2024, 9:02 pm

I really feel for you. I came to the point after years of therapy ( his, mine, ours) and medication ( his) that I will accept what I get and stop asking for what I can't. I ended up emotionally detaching as well because I just couldn't be emotionally close when I was feeling so hopeless.
Hashem made a miracle and he initiated couple counseling ( here we go again) and we went to someone who diagnosed him with HFA and really helped our marriage. The ones who don't understand autism are useless.
I don't know if this is helpful at all but know that you have lots of company ( everyone loves my DH, only I was thinking about divorce).