Crohn's flare and abusive parenting-is this a thing?

amother

↑ Bergamot ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 5:04 am

Also when it comes to abuse it can be a natural desire to find out what is causing it what is causing the abuser to abuse.
This is a distraction and a rabbit hole that does not stop the abuse. People mean well and think sometimes that if they could figure out what is causing the person to abuse then they could address it and change the behavior.
Like any other unacceptable damaging behaviors the actions must be stopped first and foremost. Regardless of the cause or perceived cause.

↑ imaima ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 5:57 am

amother Bergamot wrote:

I quote op: „Once in a very long while, he goes through a period of time where he's easily triggered by my kids and is out of control with them, yelling very harshly, pushing them, and rarely hitting.“

If you have never, not „in a very long while“,
not when you are postpartum sick, with a migraine, with a pms, in the middle of the fast on a hot day, lost temper with your kids and were triggered by them, please post with your screen name.
And how many kids you have and their ages

amother

Indigo ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 6:20 am

This was my husband's father. His chronic illness was different, but the pattern sounds so familiar. His dad couldn't tolerate any sort of noise or wildness when sick. You can imagine what that was like, living in a small apartment with 9 children and a parent who raged if someone made noise. His father would lash out verbally or with his belt or hands when triggered.

My husband has nothing to do with his father today. Several of his siblings are the same. He'll talk to him very briefly on the phone if his mom hands the phone to my fil. My husband is a very resilient person and his solution as a kid was to stay away from home as much as possible, which probably saved him; he's used his dad as an example of what not to be, and is the most patient and loving husband and father, but not all of his siblings got off so easy. One is no longer religious. One is in a terrible marriage with an abusive spouse. One is an incredibly controlling and demanding spouse. Perhaps read this to your husband. The choices he's making when sick are going to follow him, and will have a lasting impact on your children.

My last pregnancy I had some pretty awful complications, and often had to be on IV iron and fluids. I also couldn't walk very well and was stuck in bed or on the couch most of the day. My husband used to get tears in his eyes watching me interact with my bigger kids. It was almost like he didn't know that you don't have to turn into a monster when your sick. I can't say I was never impatient or grumpy, but certainly verbal, physical, emotional abuse were lines that I've never crossed.

amother

Azure

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 6:27 am

I could have posted same except my husband is sweetest husband who has very controlled type 1 diabetes and he did warn me about low blood sugars but didn’t believe he could become so diff when happens even scary twice , I don’t think any other diabetics are like this I’m too embarrassed to talk about , and always scared will happen in front of others only Married a few years , my family completely doesn’t understand when he starts acting diff and I just try to hide it , but other then that he is the best father and husband it’s not him when he is low

↑ imaima ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 6:38 am

amother Azure wrote:

Do you realize it is life-threatening? Is his behavior the only thing that matters when his blood sugar is too low ?

ora_43 ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 6:53 am

amother OP wrote:

He prob should stay away from the kids when he's flaring but that's just more burden on me from his illness. I am overwhelmed enough as it is, I don't want to be fully on 24 hours a day. It's too much.

Can you get a babysitter? Other household help?

Or - is his family nearby? They know he has chrons, right? Is there anyone there who could come help out when he's in a flareup.

Look, I get that it sucks, and that "give the man a break" is much easier said than done, but there are really not many options here. It's not realistic to expect that someone who's ill and in serious pain is going to be just as patient and calm as someone who's experiencing regular daily aches and pains. So either he gets time off when he's sick, or he's expected to parent as usual but he gets a lot of slack for losing his temper.

You said it's once in a very long while and passes quickly. Think of it as like a business trip, or (if you're Israeli) military reserves. Pretend he's physically elsewhere, and do whatever you'd do in that case in order to make it through without compromising on your own health and mental wellbeing.

↑ ora_43

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 6:55 am

Maybe I should have asked first, but is he losing his temper for no reason? Or it's more like, he can get through the day OK but if one of the older kids is misbehaving and refusing to listen, he loses it?

Because if it's the second thing, another option might be just to reassign the tasks for a few days so that he does the things that don't require patience with bad behavior (cooking, cleaning, driving kids to activities, baby care) while you take on the things that do (homework, getting out the door, refereeing fights, keeping an eye out that none of the kids are bugging him).

amother

Royalblue ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 7:07 am

amother OP wrote:

Of course he should stay away from the kids. How do you expect him to be an “on” parent when he feels that way. Sorry, but if you expect him to be actively parenting during a flare up, you are even more responsible for the fallout than he is.

It’s just more burden on you from his illness? Why are you talking like his illness is his fault? He didn’t choose this any more than you did.

You’re overwhelmed enough as it is? How do you think he is feeling?

You seem to be expecting him to suck it up and power through, and then become enraged when he fails. That’s not what a caring spouse does.

amother

↑ Royalblue ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 7:10 am

amother Indigo wrote:

You are totally ignorant of the gut brain connection. Your being stable while on iv fluids is great, and I’ll clap for you, but it doesn’t mean anything when it comes to crohns.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 8:51 am

ora_43 wrote:

I appreciate your level-headed and non-judgmental posts.
Yes, I need to figure out how to get more outside help and stop relying on him for anything involved with kids. He is not completely bedridden, he does get up (later than usual) and get himself to shul and work eventually.

He's not losing his temper for no reason. It's happening when a kid doesn't listen right away, won't stop making noise, and especially my poor dc with adhd is the one who doesn't have the greatest think-first-act-after skills. Like basically, dh has zero tolerance for the slightest infraction right now.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 8:53 am

amother Royalblue wrote:

You are totally ignorant of the gut brain connection. Your being stable while on iv fluids is great, and I’ll clap for you, but it doesn’t mean anything when it comes to crohns.

Can you tell me more about this? I literally feel like he has zero control and almost no awareness when it's happening. In general, he is a bit different when he's flaring but I always attributed it to pain. Now I'm thinking Maybe there're more since he is almost like not the same person.

amother

↑ Royalblue ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 8:57 am

amother OP wrote:

There's tons of research out there. It's almost like a mental illness. And once you're in it it's almost impossible to control your reactions.

Mine is controlled by diet and it's only if I slip up on my diet that I have issues. But I don't have crohns just garden variety IBS.

If there's nothing he can do to prevent flare ups, maybe he should see a psychiatrist and get anti anxiety meds or something. That way he has something on hand when it happens.

amother

↑ Silver

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 9:01 am

amother Royalblue wrote:

There is a lot more he can do to help with the inflammation other than diet. It just takes a lot of work and he has to want to.

↑ imaima

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 9:27 am

amother OP wrote:

Be grateful he still goes to work!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 9:54 am

amother Royalblue wrote:

I do other stuff too. Supplements, acupuncture, meditation etc. It's a whole rabbit hole ...

He has taken supplements at different points. Maybe I'll bring it up again. What supplements do you find helpful?

I may be able to convince him to do acupuncture. Meditation I'm not so sure about. If you're in Lakewood area, who do you go to for acupuncture?

Anything else? I'll prob do just about anything I can right now.

amother

↑ Poppy ↓

Fri, Aug 25 2023, 10:03 am

amother OP wrote:

I have 2 immediate family members with Crohn's and have never heard about this gut- brain reaction. When my family members have had flares they are more irritable than usual due to being in pain and dehydration/hunger from not being able to absorb nutrients (think severe diarrhea). Is your husband on medication and/or infusions? Because the goal is to get the Crohn's under control and into remission. He should not be having frequent flares. Diet can play a part but for many with Crohn's biologics are the most important piece to the puzzle.