Are you a good host?

↑ HindaRochel

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 12:20 am

A Rabbi I know paskens that running water is sufficient. That there is no need to do netylat yadayim after using the facilities. Obviously I hope everyone washes their hands! But there has been a problem with children who just do natylat yadayim and don't use soap and water. YUCK!

↑ gryp ↓

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 5:51 am

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We once traveled 6 hours by car and arrived by our hosts exhausted and starving for a hot meal.

OP, you didnt bring food with you on your 6 hr trip?

↑ shabbatiscoming

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 6:43 am

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1. We once traveled 6 hours by car and arrived by our hosts exhausted and starving for a hot meal. There was not much food in the house to begin with and so she microwaved Shabbos leftovers (on a Tuesday!) and gave us soggy schnitzel, and dried out potato kugel on flimsy paper plates. We drove back later that night and I had to take food from the program where I spoke for the ride back. She never asked if we needed food for the way back. I guess I should have brought vacuum packed chicken for our dinner.

like GR said, you did not bring food with you on a 6 hour trip? also, not everyone grew up that a guest has to be given a hot meal when they arrive, in my whole life, I never heard this. I always offer my guests a drink the minute they arrive and then ask if they are hungry. if they are, we find something to give them.

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2. We once came to friends for Shabbos, and they showed us into our ‘room’, where there 2 year old daughter was sitting naked on her bed, before a bath, toys strewn everywhere. Our host was amused but we weren’t when we realized we were sleeping on those same sheets that night. She didn’t even pull out the bottom bed, but just said, “it’s a high riser”. Then she brought a blanket for my husband from her husband’s bed. Her house was a mess the whole Shabbos and the bathroom wreaked like urine. I could not believe she has insisted we come for a Shabbos. I guess we should have brought our own linen and mr. clean wipes.

im sorry but the only thing that I really see wrong with that is that they did not change the sheets. so what if a little girl sat on your bed with no diaper on her? if she did not pee on the bed, then what does it really matter?
also, about the bed being "away"/closed, so you can take out the bed and do it yourself, what is the big deal?
with taking a cover off of her husband's bed, maybe she had no extra covers? could that have been it? think of it in the positive way instead if in the negative way, that she was doing a wonderful thing by giving you their only blanket.

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3. One weekend by friends, we stayed in the basement of their home. They forgot to put the heat on before Shabbos and when the temperatures dipped to 30 degrees that night, we shivered the night away and I woke up with a cold. When I told my host, she laughed and said ‘well your husband has Russian blood, I’m sure he can handle it”. No apology even though we hadn’t slept all night. That particular host also had no hot water Shabbos morning. She forgot that too and my husband is a mess without coffee. I guess we should have brought a portable heater and samovar.

as you yourself wrote, she FORGOT to put the heat on. we have done that before, so we all dealt with it, thats all. as for the hot water, did she know that your husband always "needs" his cup of coffee? if not, then you can not blame her. we never drink anything in the morning, so maybe your host was the same way.

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4. Once I was given a room to share with a baby. My host told me ‘oh he’s a deep sleeper’. The baby cried throughout the night and the parents didn’t hear a thing until early morning. I guess I should have brought earplugs.

you could have gone to the hosts, after a while, and told them that they baby was crying, or maybe you could have justtaken the baby and calmed down the baby if it bothered you that much?????

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I could go on and on, as I have so many stories but I realize most of you can’t relate because you’ve either never experienced any of this, or have mediocre standards of hospitality that are not hard to beat.

just because our standards are not the same as yours does NOT mean that our standards are mediocre. im sorry but that is very insulting.
I may never offer my guests a warm meal, a new bar of soap, their own bathroom etc, but I consider myself a good host. if you invited yourself, to my mind it is very very very rude that you are saying all of these things about your host. they do not know what you expect (a 17 star hotel apparently).

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We were raised NOT to be shleppers, and to know that a frum woman takes pride in her home and that the state of the house is a reflection on the mother.

im sorry, but the state of a home is NOT JUST a reflection on a mother. that is a very charged statement if you ask me but I am not going to write any more or I will get mean.

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You want to argue with me that I should bring my own toiletries, linen, food and earplugs? You’re right, I should. But it’s disappointing that I have to shlep it all because women are just too lazy to make an effort.

im sorry but you not wanting to bring earplugs and toiletries is being lazy, not the other way around. not every one has money evry time they have guests to put out a new bar of soap. in my whole life I never heard of ppl doing that.
and I am sure that the whole family is making an effort to get the room ready for you that you will be sleeping in, but sometimes things happen, not even in connection with children. I dont have children yet and sometimes when we have guests for shabbat and I am cooking, I dont get to putting on the linen at all and the guests do it. I do not see how that has any reflection on the family as being lazy?

I dont know if you insulted other women, but I know that I was very insulted by what you said. I also thought that a lot of your "requests" were WAAAAAAAAAAAY over the top.

↑ DefyGravity ↓

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 6:51 am

Emuna wrote:

I agree 100% with what you're saying. And I'm glad you posted anonymously, as there are many women on this site that will demonize you. I just want to ask how you feel about aerobeds? We have guests sleep on a nice aerobed with good bedding in a private room. But I always worry about what the guest are REALLY thinking. What do you think?

I think this is an instance where the host needs to be aware that not everyone can be comfortable on an aero-bed and should let their guests know that this is what they'll be sleeping on before they accept the invite.

Personally, I have a very difficult time sleeping on an aero-bed b/c the top isn't flat, and would very possibly not accept an invite if I knew beforehand that this is what I'd be sleeping on.

↑ gryp ↓

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 7:00 am

OP, it seems like a little balance in expectations and communication with the hosts might have helped your situation a little.
I agree with you on some points- yes, I always have food ready in case my guests are hungry, but on the other hand I never travel without food.
most times my guests are NOT hungry and the food just gets eaten later on.

yes, I always offer extra pillows and blankets and of course the linen is always clean, but I won't claim to have everything brand new.

yes, the guests have to use our 1 bathroom and no one has seemed to mind so far. I always make sure to do an extra good clean up job in the bathroom before guests are coming.

I won't say I'm the balanced one here- but I have 6 or 7 body washes, 4 shampoos, and 4 face soaps, about 50 bars of soap in the cabinets, extra disposable shavers and toothbrushes, and guests are welcome to use whatever they want. I tell them so. but I dont supply shower puffs, no way.

kids are kids are kids are kids. patience and tolerance for their behavior will allow some sunshine into your gloomy days.
no, I would never expect guests to share my kids' rooms (except my motherinlaw, 1 brother, and 1 nephew).

my point is that there are things you can control and things you can't. forgetting to turn the heat on after shabbos started is out of anyone's control. (any non-Jews around?) kids' behavior can only be controlled to a certain extent. dirty diapers all over only needs a garbage bag, which even you, OP, have control over. Wink

↑ chocolate moose ↓

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 7:08 am

I suppose I'm also not balanced - we always rented an apt and preferrred not to go places, even restaurants!

We have it better at home, lol!

↑ newmom

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 7:31 am

Firstly, an easy solution to everyone's soap problem- always keep a bottle of body wash in the house for when you have company.

About the aerobed- it's definately fine for kids, but I know that some adults would not be happy to have to sleep on them, especially older people.

↑ greenfire

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 7:46 am

I have slept on an airbed before - it actually good for your back - however, is extremely hard to get up and down.

"im sorry, but the state of a home is NOT JUST a reflection on a mother. that is a very charged statement if you ask me but I am not going to write any more or I will get mean. "

I cannot agree with you more

↑ gryp

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 7:55 am

we have the Simmons Beautyrest air mattress. supposed to be a good one, but I don't know, I've never slept on it. different relatives have slept on it repeatedly, and I guess they wouldn't have come back if it was a bad experience.

btw, does anyone put a tissue box in the guest's room? I grew up doing that so I think it's important.

Frumom

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 8:02 am

OP, sounds like you were really frustrated when you started this thread and I understand that- we're all human.
Your second post wasn't nearly as harsh, so I think that certain things you said there were more understandable and made sense.

I do agree with posters though who say that people are human and unless you're staying at a hotel where you are paying for a service for things to be perfect, you won't get your hot meals all the time, kids who LIVE THERE will be kids, the hot water for coffee might've been forgotten to be turned on with all the other Shabbos prep going on. I think a little attitude change might help too.

I'm almost positive that all hosts really do want their guests to feel comfortable and have a good time. Your host doesn't necessarily have the same ideas as to what's important in hosting a guest. That's why maybe from now on after each visit write things down that you might need to check out beforehand with the hosts, or things you might need to bring yourself. One thing you said that I strongly agree about is a private bedroom- ask if that's possible before you accept the invitation. If there is anything else that will make it or break it for you, find out before to avoid those kind of situations.

Good luck and I hope your trips become more enjoyable.

↑ Emuna

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 8:35 am

Thanks so much for the replies about aerobeds - I feel so bad now. I always ask "were you comfortable" and they always say yes, but I always feel guilty. Thanks to your responses, we will definitely go find two twin highriser aeros at Target, which I hope are easier and more comfy. Anyone use these yet?

I think tissues should be there, especially in winter.

This thread has been very helpful.

↑ DefyGravity

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 8:39 am

Emuna, don't feel bad. Many people love aerobeds!

↑ Tefila

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 4:09 pm

Quote:

btw, does anyone put a tissue box in the guest's room? I grew up doing that so I think it's important.

Yep and a table with two chairs including another room for children with a crib if a family comes. But oh dear it is in a basement, oh dear I do not have a hot meal waiting when they arrive if they come which most times happens 11:30 at night.
IAnd yes everyone that I know or have ever been too go out of their way to prepare beds and room for guests before they arrive or atl the very least before they go into the room. Exclamation

But I do not have fancy quilts gosh they are not even matching shock

and as I said the carpet could be renewed asap. But what I can say with the tools Hahsem gave me in my situation with the money and family not, nearby. Most times I have to say I try my best.
. Op the question here is this, are you trying yours Confused

↑ southernbubby

Wed, Feb 07 2007, 4:48 pm

One point that should be made is not every host is for every guest. For example a widow cannot have a male sleepover guest. The same rule follows for a married woman whose husband is away. Older people with fancy glass chotchkes on the coffee tables would not be comfortable inviting a family with small children. Some people become guests, not because they are traveling, but because they are lonely and need a friendly voice. Someone who is too tired to speak with them is not going to be a good host.
Where we live, guests that come from out-of-town are usually coming for simchas and eat their main meal with the hosts that invited them. It is necessary to provide them with bagels, cream cheese, etc but not the hot meal. The last time that I hosted a guest speaker, I had no kitchen and another community member invited her for supper. She was on the construction trail herself so she actually wanted to stay here. As soon as she returned from giving the speech, she logged onto Imamother!
What is important is that we emulate Avraham Avinu and Sara Imainu by doing our best to serve guests. It is a mitzvah with no fixed measure. All Jews must keep Shabbos every week but those who cannot afford to host guests do not have to do more than they are able.

batya_d

Thu, Feb 08 2007, 12:21 am

DefyGravity wrote:

Emuna, don't feel bad. Many people love aerobeds!

I also find aerobeds very comfy!!

↑ Ima'la

Thu, Feb 08 2007, 1:00 am

Frumom wrote:

But Frumom, do you mean private BEDROOM or private BATHROOM? Private bedroom is definitely something an adult can reasonably expect IMO and should be informed in advance if it is not available. I don't think most people have the facilities (no pun intended!) to provide their guests with a private bathroom. If that is something you need - and I can hear that being reasonable if you are e.g. a public speaker (OP's example) being put up in a home instead of a hotel - you should clarify that in advance.

This thread was mostly devoted to whether OP's demands, comments on frum women's housekeeping, and attitude were reasonable...How about a more practical spin-off thread with tips & ideas to make one's guests more comfortable?

↑ red sea

Tue, Jul 03 2007, 11:24 am

heres a place to supply you with all your good host needs;

http://www.minimus.biz/Personalcaremain.aspx

(I assume its ok cuz I'm posting as a good link to know, not to advertise for whoever it is, but if its not ok, go ahead - delete.)

whoami

Tue, Jul 03 2007, 11:31 am

I live in Lakewood. Please don't ever call me and ask me for an invitation. I don't need you favors, thank you very much!

↑ chocolate moose

Tue, Jul 03 2007, 11:58 am

whoami wrote:

I live in Lakewood. Please don't ever call me and ask me for an invitation. I don't need you favors, thank you very much!

scuse me?

Seraph

Tue, Jul 03 2007, 11:55 pm

When I host people, I let them know the conditions. I let them know that we have one guest bedroom, with a guest toilet, but not shower/bath.
I tell them that if more than one guest is coming, they'd need to bring blankets because we pashut don't have enough.
And I'm sorry, but I can only provide you with one pillow. If we have more than one guest, that means my husband or I will have to give up our pillows.
My husband and I have given up a blanket for a guest. (B'h I wasn't in nidda so we were able to share our other blanket.)
I put body wash in the shower- yes, its the same one I use, but no one is forcing you to use the same bar of soap thats in the bathroom.

And if I were to ever place someone in our living room, I'd first warn them and ask them if they want to come.

Btw, I still won't invite a married couple over, only singles, because we don't have any beds the same level in our guest room. Only a bed, a seperate mattress (don't worry- its springs) and a couch.