Wedding or class trip? I'm so upset.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:03 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

How much does an eleven year old enjoy schmoozing around with aunts and uncles?
If you OP enjoy it that's fine but don't expect kids to see it as the most exiting thing of them day.

My kids absolutely love weddings! They get to play and have fun with their cousins. We travel often for dh's sides weddings and my kids all absolutely want to come with and join in. In fact they get really upset when they have to miss it for whatever reason that they can't go. There was one during COVID. They absolutely wanted to go.

amother

Azalea ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:03 pm

I'm sorry op that everyone is being so hard on you. I do understand you. Recently we had a wedding on my side that was the first wedding in 14 years! It was really major for many reasons and my kids are almost as close as siblings to the kallah.

The day of the engagement ended up falling out on the day of my sons major trip. It was a late trip and it meant he would miss the pictures and the actual engagement part of the party. I was also really torn and my son too but in the end we decided it's silly to miss a whole day just for a couple of hours. It was also the kind of trip that I'd never be able to take him on so he'd really have missed out.

He went on the trip, had a blast, and we brought his clothes to the hall so he can join us straight away. It was fine.

I know an engagement isn't a wedding but in this case it was really a huge deal. I'm not sure though that I would have been so easy going about missing part of the wedding! It was months of planning and organising and I would have been devastated if one of my kids would have had to miss it. Also a tiny family, just about 10 grandkids and almost mo extended family. I think people with big families really don't understand. I have friends who complain how hard family weddings are while I'm thinking halevai we should have a simcha!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:07 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

OP,
How big is the class? If it's a small grade and with 3 boys having a chasuna that day would the school be able to see if they can reschedule the trip?

I'd love for them to change it , but I think it's all been booked. I can ask, but they kindly rescheduled another little trip to a local park last week for us already. My son had really important appointments at the hospital that we absolutely couldn't miss, but my son was really upset. I asked if they can try to reschedule it, but I understand if not. BH they managed to, but there's a lot that goes into these trips. Even the little ones.
They're about 26 boys. That's one half, 3rd shall we say. They might all be going on the same day although I'm not sure.

amother

↑ Azalea

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:14 pm

Just to add I'm also in the UK. From what I read here though it does seem like weddings in other places are alot more casual. Here if we're invited to a dinner we dont just do a quick pop in stay for to say mazal tov and maybe sot for 1 course. We go and sit and stay the whole dinner, there is place set for every person, and its also completely accepted to leave work early to make the chuppa too.

Supermom#1

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok so he's going to go on the trip. I'm just upset, and also upset that my dh made the decision on his own, and how he thinks it's just another niece's wedding.

I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. He simply thought it was an obvious decision that your son should go on the trip, as it is obvious to all of us. I'm sure it would be to you too, but right now, it's an emotional issue for you so it's unclear to you.
Hatzlacha & Mazel tov!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:18 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

Right, it does seem like a cultural thing.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:20 pm

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This is a bit from the website of the other major trip that he's going to make iyH. We'll be travelling to my other nieces wedding (dh's niece) the day after this major trip! This huge trip is before the other traditional theme park.

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amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:26 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

How much does an eleven year old enjoy schmoozing around with aunts and uncles?
If you OP enjoy it that's fine but don't expect kids to see it as the most exiting thing of them day.

I'd think that most kids love weddings, but they wouldn't miss a school trip for it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:27 pm

Supermom#1 wrote:

I know he didn't mean to hurt me. It still got me annoyed 🤷‍♀️

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

If your son was upset about potentially missing a small local trip, you can just imagine how upset he'd be to be made to miss a major trip. It should be a no brainer.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:33 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

If your son was upset about potentially missing a small local trip, you can just imagine how upset he'd be to be made to miss a major trip. It should be a no brainer.

Oh I knew he'd be upset, but I thought he'd be ok with it, because he had the chasuna. He was going to the hospital for 3 not very pleasant appointments that day. It's not exactly a fair comparison! He's upset that he won't be at the whole wedding, even if he's chosen the trip over it. He can want to be in 2 places at once, and choose the one that he prefers better. But hospital appointments aren't very exciting are they?! We took him for a nice treat to the ice cream store after the hospital. And he also got to go to the local park the next morning with his class.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:34 pm

zaq wrote:

So far all I hear is how upset OP is and maybe the grandparents, too. Has anyone asked the kallah? It seems to me that she's the only one aside from the yingel who has any skin in this game. I happen to think that the boy should go on the trip--isn't this his graduation trip, after all? And hasn't he looked forward to it for the past six months at least? And isn't he expecting to be present for what is, despite everyone's thoughts to the contrary, the important part of the festivities, namely being משמח חתן וכלה? I'm not saying the boy should give up the trip if the kallah says she "must" have him there for the chuppah, but I'll bet anything she says he should go on the trip.

Why on earth should the kallah be consulted about this? We're not talking about the kallah's brother or even nephew. It's a young first cousin. Kallah doesn't get a say in this. It should be the child's decision.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:35 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

Right, I know that she won't care either way! As long as her friends make it , she'll be happy! Smile

↑ zaq

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

Right, I know that she won't care either way! As long as her friends make it , she'll be happy! Smile

Exactly my point. It's the kallah who is supposed to be made happy, not the kallah's aunt. That's you, btw. So if the kallah doesn't mind, neither should you. (I'm not saying that the kallah gets to decide for the kid. My point is that the kallah doesn't care, and if she doesn't, neither should anyone else.)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:53 pm

zaq wrote:

No it's not only about the kalla here. It's about my sister, the mother of the kalla, who's all of 18 btw. There's my mother, the extremely proud grandmother of the kalla. Etc etc.

ETA: the kalla is 18 not my sister 🤣

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:54 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

It's not about what your son enjoys more, this is about teaching priorities. I believe that family comes first, teach them that family comes first before friends. But that's just me

Finally someone with some good 'old fashioned ' sense!!

amother

↑ Ebony ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:54 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

It's not about what your son enjoys more, this is about teaching priorities. I believe that family comes first, teach them that family comes first before friends. But that's just me

This doesn’t make sense. A cousin doesn’t come before a one time trip. You are just hurting your kids if you do that. SOME family things are priorities but if you push it and make ALL priorities your kids will just see as a nuisance and the lesson will not be taught.

amother

↑ Ebony ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Finally someone with some good 'old fashioned ' sense!!

It’s old fashioned for a reason. Most kids have made it clear it hurt them in the long run and it shouldn’t have been forced. I feel bad for your son.

↑ Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:00 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

It's not about what your son enjoys more, this is about teaching priorities. I believe that family comes first, teach them that family comes first before friends. But that's just me

The trip is a school activity.