Is Chessed Bittul Torah?

1stimer

Sat, Jan 28 2006, 11:19 am

in another thread, yehudis wrote:

They [litvish] discourage any other religious pursuits, such as doing chesed (again, for men). For example, Rabbi Scheinberg, the Rosh Yeshiva of Torah Ore writes in his book Heart to Heart (directed towards women) that if one's husband is involved in Torah study, she should not encourage him to do chesed. I was once at a melave malka, and a litvish meshulach [...] told a story about his daughter-in-law who got home from shopping with 4 kids and lots of bags, and her husband was learning inside. So she didn't even ask her husband to help out with the bags, because she didn't want to interrupt him.

I want to share a story which I think epitomises the litvish approach to men doing chessed.

A man once went to the steipler and asked him for general guidance in his avoda. At the end the steipler asked him if he helps his wife. He replied, "my wife is a yorei shamayim and she doesn't ask me to help as it will take away from my learning."

The Steipler replied, "that's her mitzva. Your mitzva is to help her. Every afternoon, you should ask her 'what can I do to help you?' "

Again, at the end of the conversation, the steipler reminded him "it's very important to help your wife."

From Impact, by Rabbi Dovid Kaplan

Blossom

Sat, Jan 28 2006, 9:53 pm

Quote:

told a story about his daughter-in-law who got home from shopping with 4 kids and lots of bags, and her husband was learning inside. So she didn't even ask her husband to help out with the bags, because she didn't want to interrupt him.

That's very nice of her or too nice IMO. I don't see why someone would even think that asking for you husands help or doing other chesed in general is bittul Torah. You learn torah also to fulfill it. I think this example is too extreme for most Litvishe people.

Quote:

The Steipler replied, "that's her mitzva. Your mitzva is to help her. Every afternoon, you should ask her 'what can I do to help you?' "

I agree but it doesn't count LOL I'm not a husband.

shira

Sun, Jan 29 2006, 11:02 am

My husband and I have an agreement. If I need his help, I can ask, and then he will be there for me wholeheartedly. (ok, not wholeheartedly, but he does try!).

MY avoda is to try as hard as I can not to ask. When I do ask, he's VADAI osek b'mitzva which makes him patur mimitzva (aka: limud hatorah)!

On occasion his "sensitive husband" antennaes will be raised and he'll see on his own that I'm overwhelmed and he'll actually offer. But, more often than not, unless I ask, he doesn't offer.

It works out well this way. Its not so fairy tale like but it sure helps avoid confusion.

The hardest part is determining for myself whether or not I REALLY need him.

There are the times that I don't REALLY need him but I "treat" myself. For instance, my 3 1/2 yr old just came down with chicken pox. That means that I'll have both boys home THE WHOLE WEEK- ALL DAY LONG and we are in the middle of a move! So, I asked my DH if he can come home for lunch- just to break up the day a little. Treating yourself is also impt because it gives you the strength to push yourself the other 99% of the time. At least, thats what I tell myself so that I won't feel guilty about asking.............. Wink