Think It's the right thing, but doesn't feel right UPDATE

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 1:11 pm

I'm a service provider in the food industry. Most of my work is for simchos, altho I also have private work from visitors (e.g tourists or grandparents coming in for yom tov or simchos).

Here and there I'm hired to help a family going thru difficulty, like illness or a difficult pregnancy and such.

Thru my work, I found out about a family who could use some help via their relative who works for me. She asked me if she could use my facility after hours to help them out a bit, and of course I agreed. Looks like they will need help for a while, it's not just for today and tomorrow.

I offered to help out at cost price, for which the family gratefully accepted. But, it seems they are struggling to pay even that as the mother is out of work due to her situation. She asks me to send her a cheshbon, which I've been doing but they seem to have difficulty paying. She keeps asking if I can wait a week, or more and sometimes pays but by no means all.

This is family who don't take advantage, they are genuinely struggling, and it must be very hard to have to accept the help, even if they could afford it. I don't want to stop helping them, but I can't afford to 'pay' to help them. I'm happy not to make a profit, I can't afford to give monetary help, but I love giving of my time when I can.

Not sure what to do.. Do I carry on sending her the bill, reach out to an organisation, or stop...? Altho if I stop, she'll probably end up paying for this service, not at cost.

WWYD?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 1:51 pm

Success10 wrote:

I would try to fundraise privately to cover the costs, if possible. Not revealing who they are, of course.

I was thinking about reaching out on their behalf, but this is where it gets sticky... I can think of a couple of organisations who could probably help, but I'd have to say who they are I imagine.

Molly Weasley ↓

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 1:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I was thinking about reaching out on their behalf, but this is where it gets sticky... I can think of a couple of organisations who could probably help, but I'd have to say who they are I imagine.

I would start with your ruv, who may be willing to take your word for it without having to disclose who it's for.

But what is the issue with seeking assistance for this individual, if it is done discreetly?

Its not your project any more than it's theirs, they have a responsibility towards his family as much as you do.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 2:35 pm

Molly Weasley wrote:

You're right, it's the type of help community should be (and are) helping out with. But if I offer help, that's on me, but if I'm not sure that if I can't manage it re the finance, is it right of me approach others on their behalf? Hope you get what I'm saying, not sure I'm being clear.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 2:42 pm

farmom wrote:

Can you discuss it with the relative? Usually organizations know how to be discreet.
And if the community is already helping out, it’s not a major secret.

The relative who told me is a cousin, she's a single girl so I don't want to disscuss her cousin's financial issues with her, it wouldn't be fair to the family. But you gave me an idea, her mother knows about it and is helping out with babysitting etc, so, thanks, that's probably a good idea.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 2:49 pm

farmom wrote:

Can you discuss it with the relative? Usually organizations know how to be discreet.
And if the community is already helping out, it’s not a major secret.

People know on a need to know basis. They want to keep it quiet, which IMHO is not always the best thing, but they're entitled to their privacy. If they were keeping it quiet, and complaining that no-one's helping then I would ask for them, but like this, it's hard to know what the right thing is.

I wish I would've offered earlier, and even when I finally did, I wasn't sure if it was the right thing. altho ultimately it was. I thought of the little kiddies, and called, but they deserve their dignity. If I would say what the situation is, you'd probably understand my dilemma, but I can't just in-case she's on here.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 3:00 pm

Been meaning to update for a week already.

A couple of days after I opened this thread, my husband met this woman's brother. He NEVER bumps into him, but they were both davening at a different shul then their regular one (very unusual for my dh). Her brother asked him 'Is your wife the Mrs. X who's helping my sister out?' (We have a common last name).

DH answered 'yes'. He said 'Please send me the bill. But give them part of it so they can maintain their dignity!'

This is literally a case when if you want to do the right thing, Hashem helps!

amother

Jetblack

Yesterday at 3:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

That’s so cool!

amother

Forestgreen

Yesterday at 3:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is he agreeable to cover the whole thing? WOW! Does he know you are doing this at cost though? How long is that sustainable for you?

↑ dankbar

Yesterday at 4:02 pm

Another suggestion. If you are cooking meals as their preference, with what they order....how about sending whatever you have extra of, before they order, what they want, just as a chessed. This way you're not losing money/time/effort.

Lot of eateries/caterers send their leftovers to the poor for free.

amother

DarkKhaki

Yesterday at 5:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow amazing to see Yad Hashem!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:07 pm

dankbar wrote:

Yes, do this when I have extra. Also when I do an event, and my clients are planning to send the extras to a food g'mach, I ask the ba'al Simcha if they are happy for me to donate to this family instead. 99% of times they are thrilled to help out, and altho this family are on the food G'mach WhatsApp, this way they get the good stuff, which generally there's less of then, lets say, from a Moisad's kitchen.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:10 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Is he agreeable to cover the whole thing? WOW! Does he know you are doing this at cost though? How long is that sustainable for you?

Yes it's sustainble long term if I can do it at cost. He told me he'd like to pay extra so I can make a profit, but I told him not to take away my Zchus.

I don't have money to donate, but time? Happy to donate that!

He wants to cover as much as he can whilst still maintaining their dignity.

He also gave me a visa gift-card to use, telling me that I should tell his sister that 'there was a promotion on xyz' or 'x supermarket had a 20% off day..'.

amother

Waterlily

Yesterday at 9:56 pm

As someone on the receiving end- I just want to compliment you on your sensitivity to this family. Your eagerness and desire to help while understanding that perhaps raising money for them and disclosing their name might be disrespectful to them.

I can’t comment on what you should do because everyone is different… I’ve had someone raise money for us and I was mortified when I found out because I didn’t know who she asked… so I told her that next time, before she raises, she should ask me first. And she did and I was so desperate that I gave her permission but she also told me who she would be asking so that helped me be less humiliated.

May you have siyata dishmaya to know what the right thing is and also be rewarded for your kindness and sensitivity.

ETA oh wow I just saw your update. Just goes to show that when one’s intentions are pure- they are helped and guided from above. Thanks for sharing!