Do you really not have a favorite child?

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 7:11 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Can I be honest? I have one child who was so hard as a little kid. He is much easier now, as a teen, B"H. When he was little, though, he made me cry regularly (and made his siblings cry regularly too). We got him help, therapy, meds, lots and lots of parenting, and plenty of mistakes along the way.

When I read this question, I was thinking, "No, I don't have a favorite. Ooh, maybe that one, he's so cute! Or that one, I relate so well to her! Or that one, I look up to him so much! Or that one, she's adorable!..." and I could have said that easily for every single one of my kids...except for that one.

It makes me sad. He's grown so much over the years, I put so much effort into helping him, and I don't dislike him or anything. But he never went through that stage where I thought he was cute. I was never able to relate to his behaviors. And I guess that's what's stopping me from being able to think of him as my favorite...Sigh.

Wow this post really resonated with me.

I have one son who is just so much harder than the others, always thinking only about himself, it’s as if no one and nothing else exists. I eat myself up when I think about him like this. But at the same time I can’t help but wonder if something is really wrong with him…

amother

Green

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 7:53 pm

I love them all beyond.

Some I like more than others because they are more my type or easier or in a less difficult life stage or whatever.

I don't consider that playing favorites. I try to be fair to all of them and wish every one of them all the best things in life.

amother

Wisteria

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 9:38 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

It’s interesting I find the kid I pour more kochos into I feel a lot closer to- by default I spend hours and hours helping her through her challenges - But I love them all to death!

amother

Outerspace

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 10:15 pm

I love all my kids equally!! I really think I do.

That being said, there are some of my kids that I connect to more easily while others I have to work harder to connect. Personality, age, stage, quirks all make a difference in how easy or hard it is to connect.

amother

Opal

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 10:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

So curious about this. Parents always say they love each child equally, but we’re not robots. Our emotions fluctuate constantly. We tend to like certain people more than others in general, so why wouldn’t it apply to our children too?

I get that parents love all their children (hopefully) but having a favorite- that’s different. It just means there’s something about that specific child you like even more…

So, do you have a favorite child or do you really not?

Of course I don’t mean if you show favoritism, because I don’t think that’s appropriate. But I do think it’s ok to feel more connected to/like a certain child better than the others (without letting them know).

This thread is triggering. I grew up with a Mother who had favorites, so I know the pain and dangers of such a thing.
Spoiler alert: I was never the favorite and never good enough. Nothing I do can make my parents happy. See the TV show "The Good Place", I was Tahani.
Hence:
I never had favorites, I made an effort each day to appreciate each and every child for the present they are, and told them in so many words. I never compared or made expectations.
I make the effort to find and make the connection with each child understanding that Hashem gave that child to me for a reason.

If you think you have favorites, then you do, and please work on it so all your kids think they are your favorite. Spend one on one time with each of your children as often as possible. If you are critical by nature, work on that, its poison to your children

mommy3b2c ↓

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 10:53 pm

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

I have a fav right now, my 3 year old. He’s also the youngest. This happens to be my favorite age, and I enjoy this age with all my children. I find the older they get the harder they are to connect to. I have two that are work to connect to, and three that are natural to connect to. One of them is my least favorite. I try to not let any of this show but I’m human and so I don’t think it’s possible to completely shield it.

Well you better try harder . Honestly some of these posts are making me sick . How does one love one child more than the other ?
My children are the light of my lives . I’m obsessed with all of them . My heart explodes with joy at the thought of each one of them .

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 10:58 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

There is a concept that love grows when you feed it. By giving of yourself to someone else, you are as if putting a bit of yourself into them, and that is the part you love.
I dont judge someone who admits to loving a child more, I challenge them to "put more of themselves" into the child who they think they love less.
However, you have to have what to give, and I suspect sometimes its being empty emotionally that prevents us from being the best parent we can be to all our children.
I guess you know that already.
We can all learn from you.

NechaMom

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 11:02 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

BH I don't understand it either but Yaakov Avinu had a favorite too. So I guess this concept exists. I'm grateful that I love all my kids equally.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 11:05 pm

NechaMom wrote:

BH I don't understand it either but Yaakov Avinu had a favorite too. So I guess this concept exists. I'm grateful that I love all my kids equally.

And Yaakov Avinu was criticized for it . We are supposed to learn from him , NOT to have a favorite .

amother

↑ Gold

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 11:05 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Stop being so high and mighty. It makes me sick.

↑ mommy3b2c ↓

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 11:10 pm

amother Gold wrote:

Stop being so high and mighty. It makes me sick.

Sorry, but I will call someone out when they admit they not only love one child the least but also show it . That poor child . Imagine you were that child ? And another thing that makes me sick is being nasty anonymously . Don’t hide who you are . Stand behind your statement .

amother

↑ Linen

Tue, Nov 26 2024, 11:21 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

This resonated with me as well.
I have a son who was adorable enough as a little boy but as he grew up became very difficult. We also poured our kochos into him but he resisted a lot of it. He has grown into a very complicated adult and although he is undiagnosed he definitely has something. But I love him so much it hurts......

amother

↑ Cinnamon ↓

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 12:03 am

NechaMom wrote:

BH I don't understand it either but Yaakov Avinu had a favorite too. So I guess this concept exists. I'm grateful that I love all my kids equally.

And he was punished by losing contact with his son for years.
Interesting point I noticed in my life that the parents who showed favoritism ended up having that kid cut off contact with them. Not always the least favorite but the favorite.
(And I asked a friend who is a family therapist. She confirmed this. Even saying that it's usually not because they were spoiled favorites just because they wanted their children not to be in that kind of environment)

heidi

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 1:49 am

I love my oldest for making me a mommy, my baby - he'll always be my baby. My second to youngest for being my baby for so long. My middle for making me a grandmother, my only daughter cause she's my only daughter. In other words, it doesn't matter what about them I like or dislike, they are my children and I love them all. Now, ask me if I like them all the time . . .

amother

Coral

Wed, Nov 27 2024, 5:36 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I'm curious to know how old your children are.
I was also once the person who couldn't understand how a mother could be irritated by their own child.

I'm presuming you have never had a child with serious challenges or disabilities. Or teenagers.

Yes our children are the light of our lives.
We are obsessed with all of them.

and no, our hearts do not light up equally with joy at the thought of each one.
How can you compare a sweet uncomplicated 3 year old to a teenager who is getting up to who knows what.
We love them equally, we equally want the best for them, but yes it is more pleasant to spend time with different children at different stages of their lives.