S/o teen saying I have too many kids

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:31 pm

So my 13 year old dd complained to me that I have too many kids. Not because she needed to help or babysit. (She happens to be particularly unhelpful compared to my other kids). Because she wanted to have a long discussion with me by bedtime. And I told her she can wait until I’m done tucking the younger ones into bed and kissing them goodnight. So she got annoyed that she needed to wait a few minutes and said “you shouldn’t have had so many kids” and I’m not too ashamed to say I told her “great, you’ll be the first one I give away” it kind of shocked her (she’s a very hard kid, very demanding, ). And she said that’s not what I meant!

How bad of a mother am I to have said that? And that I don’t even feel bad about it, she should take a long hard look in the mirror at her behavior. (Yes we’re in therapy, for many issues she has)

amother

Hawthorn ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:36 pm

It’s actually what popped into my head when I read the other thread. For a kid to feel they are the important one and the others are the extras that shouldn’t have been born is kinda disturbing. I don’t think it’s so bad that you said it, it put what she said into perspective. I’m constantly telling my kids that when they lash out and basically erase the existence of their siblings with their lashing out it’s very hurtful to their siblings. And they need to be more mindful of what they say.

amother

Gladiolus ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:44 pm

I asked my 14 teen what she thought and she thought the kid probably had a valid complaint but that the mother's response was funny . She didn't think it made you a bad mother. Honestly if I said something like that my daughter would probably try really hard not to smile but humor works with her. After that crack you do have to talk to her about her feelings and work something out. I think that's what really matters

amother

Hunter

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:48 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

2 of my 3 kids have told me I shouldn’t have more kids. Said kids are 11 and 14. I honestly have no idea what to say.

I’m the eldest of 6 and love my siblings so deeply. This hurts me so so much.

And this just goes to show that it has nothing to do with how many kids you actually have but everything to do with the kids.

dancingqueen

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 1:41 pm

I disagree with everyone. Saying that to a kid you have an overall good relationship may be ok, but IMO a bit immature to make a comment like that.

But to say it to a kid you have a fraught relationship with - they can pick up on your vibes and it could be hurtful.

↑ mha3484

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 1:58 pm

I'm sorry but a 13 year old is old enough to understand that her mother will be happy to talk to her when she's finished with what she is doing. To interrupt her siblings bed time is straight up rude I can guarantee she would not like the reverse. I don't see what that has to do with unconditional love.

Happydance

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:01 pm

Lol, I’m sure lots of us would have said what was on our mind like that. I think what she may have been saying when she said that’s not what I mean, was I wish I could spend more time with you mom. It would be so helpful if she could get that validation from you, that you wish you could spend all the time in the world with her. And also you have to balance so many life needs.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

When kids say these things, we really need to ask ourselves what are they trying to convey? It sounds like you’re daughter feels the little kids are more important to you than she is. Your response while a joke may have shut her down from saying something chutzpadik but reinforces that you care more about the younger ones than her. It would go much further to validate her feelings like “ I know it can be hard to wait till the little ones are in bed but I really cant wait to shmooze with you later. It will be so much better without all the distractions.”

ora_43 ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:18 pm

Whether it's a bad thing to say depends on the tone and how she took it.

I would totally say something like this to my kids. In fact I think I have said similar to my older kids, more like, "you know if I'd had less kids, it would have been you I didn't have, right?" (not with the implication 'because you're harder,' just practically speaking, it's more likely for people to wait and have kids later in life than to have kids young and then stop)

Question is, was it a joke, or was there a little too much truth in it? Did she recognize that it's a joke, or take it as a dig at her as a difficult child?

So I do think it's worth clarifying with her and smoothing over if necessary. But no, it's not bad to have used humor to make the point that her siblings aren't the 'extra' kids in the family.

↑ ora_43

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:30 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I'm sure your kids are lovely but all kids are by nature selfish like that sometimes. That's just part of the process of going from kid to adult.

IME they rarely actually mean it. It's more like, their brains don't really lump together the experience of a sibling and the irritation of a sibling the way we do as adults. As a kid your sibling is sometimes a playmate and sometimes an annoying person who's in your space eating snacks that could have been yours and getting hugs from mom that could have been yours. For us as adults, it's like, yeah, that's siblings, sometimes you love them and sometimes it's hard. Two sides of one coin. For them they have more of a pure 'must defend my territory from invaders' instinct without really internalizing the fact that without the 'invaders' you never get siblings to play with and share interests with (and occasionally conspire with against mom).

I love my sibling now, but as an 11-year-old I'm pretty sure I straight-out said I should have been an only child.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:42 pm

I think the context is really important. The problem is you meant it, even if only 5%. And she knows that. So it hits too hard. She might remember this for a really really long time. Not because in and of itself the comment is so bad but because it confirms what she's been suspecting all along.

amother

Smokey ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:51 pm

That’s actually a really horrible thing to say and those who are affirming that it’s ok are not cognizant enough of the needs children have.

It is a fact that having more children takes away time. You can start explaining for starters that for hashkafic reasons people have more children and yes it’s hard but it’s important because of reason xyz whatever you feel your opinion is about it. But don’t leave her with nothing.

SuperWify

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 2:55 pm

I think if it was said in a joking way to lighten the situation it’s ok. Ie- you don’t want your siblings , maybe you can move to a new family so you can live without them. Haha.

But if you said it out of anger and with frustration in response to to her annoying behavior then it’s not the same. It’s you being on the same immature level as her.