WwYD? Roommates in the dorm

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:43 pm

I wonder if anyone ever had this problem.
We live in a small OOT community, where all kids go to the same school and daycare.
At some point my son wasn’t stimulated and enriched enough in his school environment and went to a yeshiva high school abroad. A year later his former classmate also decided to go to this school.
My son hadn’t been friends with him because this boy was arrogant and boring, he wasn’t a pleasant person. His parents lamented this fact but never did anything to improve the situation. It was always the other boys who were bad and unfriendly. The boys also were classmates literally from the age of two, so my son naturally really wanted a change of scenery when he went to that high school.

When this boy announced that he would also go to the same yeshiva, my son wanted to talk him out of it. We tried really hard to persuade not to tell the other boy that he doesn’t want him there because such things would stay with him forever. I know we have no power over who else goes into the yeshiva, it’s for everyone.

Last year the relationship between the boys didn’t really improve, my son tried to live a separate life as much as possible because he never wanted to be friends with that boy in the first place. But my son is naturally a very nice guy who is loved by everyone and his attitude I guess doesn’t show.

Now, we just found out that this year, the father of the other boy requested for his son to become my son’s roommate. We are really upset because the boy chose to move to a new room without being actually friends with anyone, within knowing or taking into account whether the other boys want to have him there. Yes the boys in my sons room are nice and calm, but they are not an inanimate asset for someone else to be used as a quiet environment.

I don’t know if I make any sense or am I reasonable? The yeshiva seems to move them according to their wishes. People move rooms all the time.
Should we have made it clear earlier that we don’t want to have anything to do with the other boy? Should we do it now? I feel like it’s really not nice. I feel like the other family is really out of touch and off, they don’t get that the desire to share a room should be mutual.

I would be grateful if anyone could help me sort my thoughts or even just let me vent. If you think that I am off, I am also open to that opinion.

Raizle ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:47 pm

I think if your son is old enough to go away to Yeshiva in his own then he is old enough to handle this without your interference. Its part of his journey. Perhaps he should tell the hanhola that he doesn't want him in his room but it should come from him, not you.

amother

Stoneblue ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:48 pm

you call the school and you say this is too much togetherness and it is affecting my child’s emotional health.
It cannot happen.

(I have done this when my kids were placed with childhood friends, even when the relationship was good)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:48 pm

Raizle wrote:

Yea. He will try it out and switch rooms too.

But would you tell the boy explicitly that he doesn’t want him as a roommate?

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:49 pm

You can absolutely call the yeshiva and let them know you don't want that boy in your son's room. That boys family does not need to know you called.
Your responsibility is to your son, not theirs. No need to feel bad.

↑ Raizle ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:51 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Why?

amother

↑ Stoneblue

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:52 pm

because too much togetherness is not good for anyone.
it is too much pressure on the relationshio

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:53 pm

Raizle wrote:

Why?

To encourage personal growth

↑ Raizle ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yea. He will try it out and switch rooms too.

But would you tell the boy explicitly that he doesn’t want him as a roommate?

It's up to your son. This is part of growing up, learning how to deal with difficult people. You can advise him but let him know you trust him to figure it out on his own. What we don't realise sometimes is often our kids want to bounce their issues off us but don't actually want us to step in and deal with it for them. You can make suggestions. Ask him if he thinks the boy will just keep trying if he doesn't tell him outright? Let him consider how he might react, will it be enough to ask the hanhola to keep him away from him. Give him options and then let him choose

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:56 pm

I would call the school and let them know that it’s not in my child’s best interest to share a room with this child, and ask for the switch. A high schooler isn’t necessarily ready to deal with such a situation on their own.

I would not say anything to the other family unless there was no other choice.

↑ Raizle ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 1:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

To encourage personal growth

how does separating them from good friends or meddling in their relationships encourage personal growth? Also what age are you referring to? If you are talking about negative influences then that's another story,

Edited: I was referring to what the other amother wrote not OP situation

Last edited by Raizle on Sun, Sep 08 2024, 2:06 pm; edited 1 time in total

↑ Raizle ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 2:04 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

because too much togetherness is not good for anyone.
it is too much pressure on the relationshio

What age? What about families?, best friends? It sounds like you are discouraging formation of bonds and deeper connections. I would be concerned how that manifests in their future relationships. Why wouldn't you just see how it plays out and how your child responds and learns to deal with their relationships?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 2:04 pm

Raizle wrote:

In my son’s case and really the other boys, to build new friendships and relationships instead of getting stuck in nursery friendships.
Besides, my son really wanted to start somewhere else. He doesn’t need anyone around who may remember stupid or funny stories from the first grade. The other boy is clueless enough to bring up such things

amother

Peach

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 2:06 pm

With many things in high school, we want the kid to assert and do the work- but not this one. Schools trust parents more on this; they assume that kids are being presumptive and tend to tell them to try it out. And if it doesn't work, it's the kid who asked who gets moved out. A parent who explains about past history is taken more seriously, especially when done before the year starts (but also after.)

And I agree that I would go with that they will get along if separate but not together, so it's not about blame- unless something specific actuality happens that you need to point to.

↑ Raizle ↓

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 2:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

I edited my other post to explain I was referring to the amother that separates even good friends.
I don't understand that

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 2:10 pm

Raizle wrote:

I edited my other post to explain I was referring to the amother that separates even good friends.
I don't understand that

I see
Really to grow beyond past relationships or possibly for the fear of ruining a good friendship from everyday quarreling . People may not fight when they sleep separately and may start fighting when they share a space.

↑ Raizle

Sun, Sep 08 2024, 4:16 pm

I hear what you are saying and I used to mix in more in my early parenting days.However I have learnt that it's better off teaching your kids life skills to navigate their social world and learn for future relationships. If we interfere to protect them now, how are they to learn for the future. Ok fine, so maybe a good friendship will be ruined by sharing a room. Guess what though, now that child has learnt to recognise a potential issue or need in their future spouse or other relationships. Bam! Life lesson learnt, level up!
I'll interfere when needed don't get me wrong. A friend is distracting my child in class? I tell teachers I'm all for separating them the following year into different classes. But if nothing is wrong in the friendship yet then why predict it and assume they are together too much. If they are then let the child learn to recognise it on their own.
Just my humble opinion combined with life experience.

OP in your case I guess you could talk to the hanhola about the room situation but if I were you I'd refrain from stepping in too much unless there is something very wrong with the kid and he is stalking your son or something.