Would you let your son go to friend for shabbos

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 3:51 pm

My 14 yr old son is friends with boys I dont really approve of.
He wants to go to a friend for shabbos. I dont know the family at all and heard things about this boy plus his yeshiva suggested he leave and he is going to a yeshiva that it is for troubled boys to try out.
Plus the boy has sisters that are not frum and I am not sure if they dress appropriately.
His friends are all going to be there.
He could walk there during the day but not at night.
Would you let your son go?

amother

Dimgray ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 4:07 pm

If all the other friends are going to I’d do everything I could to make it work. I would call the boys mother and frankly discuss what to expect- if it’s really common knowledge that he has sisters who aren’t religious. Will they be dressed inappropriately (have you seen them dressed inappropriately that you assume?) or will they be using their phones in front of everyone? I don’t think it’s fair to make your son miss out because other people in the house don’t fit your standard. I would really try 100% to make it work, and probably call my rav for guidance because it can be very impactful one way or another

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 4:14 pm

His friends are all going to this boys house.
No father to spend time with him. My husband is in the house but does not interact with our son. they dont really get along. My son doesnt want to spend time with me either even if I want to.
At this point I cant run out and get something special for him.
What explanation do I give him?
We have a family that we have been friends with for 15 yrs who has a daughter who doesnt dress appropriately and he goes there so he wants to know why he cant go to this family but our family he could. I told him because we are family friends and I know the mother but this mother I dont (no father at home).
What else could I tell him so he will stay home and not resent it.
The mother said the girls will not be home but I am not sure 100%.

amother

↑ Dimgray

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 4:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

First of all, he’s right. If you allow him to be around family friends dressed inappropriately then it’s super hypocritical to say he can’t go here because they will be dressed inappropriately. Who cares that it’s a family friend? Something inappropriate is inappropriate, why does “knowing” the mother make any difference whatsoever? You can’t give permission in one scenario and not the other, and it doesn’t even make sense

IMO there is nothing special you can get anyways. And he will definitely resent you, especially if you already have a strained relationship

I’m not sure why there not being a father at the friends house matters, or why you don’t believe the mother that the sisters won’t be there. But even if they were, I’d still say let him go anyways

amother

NeonYellow

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 5:58 pm

It seems to me like the answer to this question has a lot to do with the context, which we don't have much of. From the little bit you've shared, it sounds like you don't have much to gain from holding your son back from going at this point. I think this is a question for a rav, mentor, etc.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 6:55 pm

In my experience the way you are describing your son and his age you cant really say no he will resent it and go behind your back.
You have to look at the reason hes choosing to be friends with him. People find friends on their level. If there is a problem consider therapy. Sounds like family therapy between your son and your husband is in order