DS's friend went too far--not sure how to handle this

↑ sequoia

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:03 am

amother OP wrote:

When they spoke outside last night, the boy's mother suggested they each say something nice about the other boy, and the other boy said that even when something is hard for DS, he sticks to his morals and does not accept his calls. So yes, DS enjoyed being needed, but he has been very strong in avoiding connection with the boy.

That is so toxic. Please tell your son that no, he does not, does NOT, absolutely does not have to “say nice things” ABOUT HIS STALKER; that the other mother was way wrong and that you are so sorry for allowing it.

I didn’t realize you were in Israel; don’t know if a restraining order is even a thing there, but be prepared to call the cops. He showed up once at 1 am; he can do it again.

In stalking situations, escalating from phone calls to coming to your house unannounced is often a huge red flag that law enforcement needs to be involved.

amother

DarkGreen

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:31 am

sequoia wrote:

So, to be clear:

An adult man tried to sxually harass your son, called him nonstop at odd hours from different phone numbers after being blocked, and now has SHOWN UP AT YOUR HOUSE uninvited.

What in the bizarro world is happening here?!

Why are either of the mothers enabling this?!

Go out there and say, “Leave my family alone.” Go back in with your son. Have no further contact with this person, ever. Get an order of protection/restraining order if necessary.

1000 likes to this!!!

↑ Cheiny ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:44 am

amother OP wrote:

His mother thought talking it out would help her kid move on. He's clearly unwell. I saw it on his face immediately when I went out. She knows him better than I do, and she apparently felt this was what he needed to move on.

Your mistake is in focusing on the other boy. The issue for you is why your ds let it go on, and how far it actually went because I suspect you don’t know the extent of it at all.

Therapy!

amother

Azalea

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:46 am

I think it’s a little disingenuous to call this a “man” because he’s 18. He and the OP’s son are a year apart. And since this is Israel, where the age of consent is 16, it really doesn’t matter.
These are technically two adults, but really two teenagers. This seems to me more like a very unhealthy friendship than some kind of assault situation like other posters are making it sound. OP is doing her best. Obviously showing up at 1 am is crazy. Teenagers do crazy things. Sometimes their parents do too. But people are blowing this up into something it doesn’t seem to be.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:47 am

amother OP wrote:

His mother was watching them. I know her and trust her.

You shouldn’t trust her because clearly she’s clueless about the extent of her ds’s issues and she obviously hasn’t handled this well at all.

Trust only in a Rov and therapist whom you will get involved immediately!

I’m not sure either why you “sent in a message” to the Rov and are waiting for a response. You should be calling him and saying it’s urgent,

Last edited by Cheiny on Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:52 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ Cheiny ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:51 am

amother OP wrote:

Fact of the matter is, DS has not been pursuing that good feeling. He has been steadfast in his rejection of his calls with no exception. He knows they need to have a complete disconnect. DS is very, very smart and does what needs to be done. He's obviously human, but I'm impressed with how strong he's been until now.

I just called his Ram back and told him what happened last night, and he told me who to speak to. Someone very well known who deals specifically with struggling bochurim. He's a well-known lecturer and I once attended a series of his, so I know who it is and feel it's a great choice. He gave me his number and I'll be calling him right away. He'll tell me if DS needs to see someone and who it should be, and he'll also tell me what our obligation is regarding letting the other yeshiva know about this boy's issues.

IF your ds needs to see someone? You don’t need anyone to tell you that. You should know that the answer is that yes, it’s CRUCIAL he speak to someone! I know you’re in so much pain because of this, but I believe you’re also somewhat in denial about ds’s response and role in this relationship.

Get him help immediately, please!!!

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 12:02 pm

OP forgive me for saying this but you sound like a people-pleaser, and so does your son. These are very positive middos when appropriate, but there are times when you need to go to the other extreme and set boundaries. This is one of them!

As per that other boy's therapist, they should have no contact AT ALL. You don't need anything more than that. It's not your son's job to ease that boy's hurt - he needs to work out himself what he did and take responsibility for it. Your job is to set a firm boundary to protect your son. NO CONTACT. No conversations at any time, not in person, not on the phone, nadda finito. The friendship is OVER.

amother

↑ Brown

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 12:10 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Yes!!
No more 'Closure' conversations. Because obviously this boy doesn't want closure. He wants continuation.

amother

↑ Topaz ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 12:57 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

If it were my son (who has his issues) then I would want you to turn him away. Even if I came with (which I might do for your safety and your son's). Tell him outright that he has harassed your son and you will not allow him to speak to us. Tell us/him that if we do not leave immediately you will call the police. I would back off your property and wait for my son to follow. And if he didn't follow I would expect you to follow through and call the police.
Because my son needs to learn boundaries, respect of others, to keep his hands to himself.
Don't know what your DS's friend has. Mine has HFASD and DOES NOT KNOW BOUNDARIES. DOES NOT READ SOCIAL CUES. And lots lots more. (Don't think he's gay though lol. And your DS's friend sure sounds gay.)

Gay or bi but it seems conclusive that this individual is infatuated with the son.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 4:00 pm

dena613 wrote:

Op, is this a (distant?) relative?

Why would you even ask that? OP gave no indication the boys are related, and it’s not relevant. So it seems like you are trying to find out identifying details

amother

Red

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 6:33 pm

If this were my son, I'd sit him down and tell him that he can tell me anything, absolutely anything, and then ask him to tell you whether he might also have feelings for this boy. If he says no, then the next step is your decision. If he says yes, and being afraid of such feelings is the real reason that he's avoiding this persistent and problematic friend. If he says yes, you might treat the situation differently. And no matter what he says, give him a motherly hug.

amother

↑ OP

Sat, Aug 31 2024, 7:48 pm

We are BH getting advice from experts and will handle this as per their instructions. We've also spoken to a rav regarding our responsibility toward his future yeshiva. There will be no further contact whatsoever between DS and his former friend. That part of the story is over. What's left is focused only on DS and his needs.

amother

↑ Moonstone

Sat, Aug 31 2024, 9:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

Good for you op! I hope everyone’s replies here aren’t making you feel so guilty! You did the right thing by going to experts. Imamother is too involved in a situation they don’t know enough about

amother

↑ Chestnut

Sat, Aug 31 2024, 9:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

You're doing good. Give your son a hug and tell him you love him, regardless of what happened between him and this friend and that you will always be there for him. The fact that he shared this much with you tells me that he already knows it deep down. You're a good mother and your son is lucky to have you.

↑ dena613

Sat, Aug 31 2024, 9:44 pm

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Why would you even ask that? OP gave no indication the boys are related, and it’s not relevant. So it seems like you are trying to find out identifying details

I'm happy to hear it's not a relative.
I was not trying to get identifying information. I have no idea who OP is.

The reason I wondered that is because she trusts the mother of a kid from a different city...
I guess she knows her from another life.

amother

↑ Topaz

Sat, Aug 31 2024, 11:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Amazing. Thank you for updating. I hope your son is ok.

↑ Cheiny

Sun, Sep 01 2024, 12:15 am

amother Red wrote:

Most will feel too much shame to admit to their mother if they have feelings and/or if they got physical with each other.