Wedding or class trip? I'm so upset.

amother

Bronze ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:12 am

I want to point out one unhinged you don't seem to realize. You say your husband has a large family with lots of simchas all the time. You have a small family and simchas are less often so every simchas is a big deal.

You have to realize that your son is the son of both of you. Since he's your husband's son too, he has lots of simchas all the time in general. While it's rarer from your family, to him as a child of both of you, he has simchas all the time. Thus, a cousins wedding happens all the time and is not such a big deal for him in general.

Class trp for such a child is definitely more exciting

kiwi strawberry ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:20 am

Regarding the part where you're upset your husband made this decision without you, I think that's a big part of what you're upset about here, so why not talk it over with him. "I know it makes sense for Shlomo to go on his class trip and miss Sury's chuppah, but I do feel upset that you signed the form without my input at all. I wish we could have talked it out together first so I feel heard. In the future can we make these decisions together please?"

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:48 am

kiwi strawberry wrote:

I don't think this is that big of a deal. So father signed it & not mom, big deal. Not everything has to be made in to a major case.

zaq ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:53 am

Sooner or later, if you're blessed, you have such an embarrassment of riches that you have to forego one simcha to attend another. Mit ein toches and all that. Your ds class trip is more important to him than his attendance at the chuppa is important to the kallah. As a PP said, don't make this about you and what you want. You really have no skin in this game.

Given that you seem more concerned about the pictures than his actual participation, and much as I am personally opposed to historical revisionism in simcha photography, I suggest you ask the baalei hasimcha to have the fotog take a couple of pix with a space left to insert a pic of your son. The retoucher can use another image of your DS, taken later, and fit him into those pictures. This sort of thing is done all the time. It won't reflect reality but will satisfy your emotional need. I do suggest offering to pay for any surcharge, if there is one, for this service.

Last edited by zaq on Tue, May 21 2024, 7:56 am; edited 1 time in total

giftedmom

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:54 am

amother OP wrote:

My first niece is getting married iyH. On the same day my son has an end of year trip , a big one , to a theme park!
I saw that my dh had signed the paper that our son will be going to all the trips, and end of year activities (he's going to high school next year iyh so his school do a lot at the end of the year) so my son said 'Daddy said I can miss the chupa (and possibly the pics) and go on the trip.
This wasn't discussed with me, and I'm really upset! We're a small family, ours , and my siblings families. There's not that many grandchildren. I know that my parents will be upset. And I'm going to be so upset if he's not back in time for the pictures!
He won't be the only one missing the trip, if he'd miss it. My nephew (brother of the kalla) is in his class.

Now he's going on the trip because that's what my dh said he can do. He'd be so upset to miss it. So my dh said I should think about what our son wants! This is a big deal in my family. He's from a big family, and there's been so many weddings by now they don't mean all that much to him!

What are your thoughts?

I agree with your dh

shachachti

Tue, May 21 2024, 8:15 am

amother OP wrote:

So at the age of 11 he should be allowed to do as he pleases? I don't think it quite works that way! If he wants a smartphone unfiltered,we should let him because it's his own choices? I still think we as parents make this decision, and it should have been discussed with me first.
This is the first wedding on my side of the family. It's a big deal! Maybe it's not for everyone, but it is for me.

What stands out in your posts is your constant mention of "me".

Its a big deal "for me".

I haven't heard you saying whats a big deal for your son.

And no this can't be compared to a smart phone and I'm sorry you're so wrapped up in what's a big deal for you that you can't even see the difference.

An 11 year old wants to be with his peers and he shouldn't be expected to miss that opportunity unless its his next of kin family.

He isn't next of kin to the kallah.
He shouldn't be compared to the kallahs brother.

I hear you that it is a big deal for you and you deserve that validation.

But please understand that your 11 year old is not the one that needs to validate you by staying behind on a major class trip.

He should go with his peers and come to the wedding whenever he comes back.

amother

Leaf

Tue, May 21 2024, 8:47 am

amother OP wrote:

He should definitely go on the trip! Full stop. You’re putting your needs before your son. You want him there… for pictures.. for your parents… for whatever reason. It’s selfish. For a boy his age- this trip is a huge deal. Please let him enjoy. He will have other cousins wedding be”H. For him it’s just a wedding but his classmates will be talking about this trip for days before and days after and he will feel so left out. He spends most of his day with these classmates. He is way closer to than than this Kallah. If he goes to the wedding, he won’t enjoy it as he will be thinking of the trip the entire time. I had a similar situation- and I let my son make the decision. He couldn’t decide and kept saying he wishes he can be at both. In the end he chose his class trip and he came home so grateful that he chose that.

And when I saw how happy he was, I realized that he made the right choice. And that it isn’t about me and what I want or what I think he will enjoy more. I let him choose and I supported his decision. Please don’t make your son feel guilty for missing the wedding. Let him enjoy the trip fully.

mizle10 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 9:16 am

I don't think her DH was making a decision without OP, he probaby didn't even think about it. Son brings home permission slip for end of the year trip and asks his father to sign it. Dad says of course, so exciting! He is most likely not looking at the date, realising its the same day as his niece from the other sides wedding and decides to make the decision on his own that the trip takes precedence.

If the OP is upset at him she should talk to him, only because it's never a good idea to let feelings fester. She should tell him "I know you didn't mean to go behind my back, but I don't think you realise this wedding is a big deal to me and I would have preferred to make that decision together." A considerate husband would respond "I'm so sorry I did not realise at all and didn't mean anything by it!"

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 9:27 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Fellow brit here. If school finishes at 4 or 5, then he should be able to be in hall by 6 latest (thanks to the help of a sister in law or friend transporting him).
Chupa at 3, no way will photos start before 530 earliest anyway.
And I doubt he'd be in any pre chupa photos as a male cousin of kalla.
Best way to save time - try see if a mum going on the trip can bring him to the hall, and have his wedding clothes in back of her car, or he changes in hall bathroom.
Mazaltov and try not to sweat this too much

They're due to arrive back from the outing at approximately 5, which can quite easily mean 6 if there's traffic.

amother

↑ Rainbow

Tue, May 21 2024, 9:30 am

amother OP wrote:

They're due to arrive back from the outing at approximately 5, which van quite easily mean 6 if there's traffic.

Don't worry. He'll be at the dinner otherwise.
You may be surprised how unbothered the rest of the family will be by his absence.
People tend to worry more about absences in advance of it happening, than actually at the time it happens.
Relax and enjoy the simcha, knowing your son did the normal and healthy thing for a boy his age.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 9:57 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Of course, I'm so happy for him to join. He's going on another huge class trip, close to this one btw. That's just why I thought it might be ok for him to miss this one. I didn't think he'd mind either way so much. He obviously does, which is fine! I can be upset though.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 10:00 am

mizle10 wrote:

He knew, we both knew. We got these letters sent via WhatsApp first because my son missed school that day for appointments, the day that everyone received the letters. So he got his eventually but dh and I both said it's on the same day, actually I think Dh pointed it out. So I said he might have to miss it.