Wedding or class trip? I'm so upset.

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:38 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes so he'll be there for the dinner iyH but he'll miss the chupa, and reception. And likely family pictures. We're a small family though, the thought of him missing the pictures are making me nervous! But he'll go on the trip, go to my sister in law to change, my dh's sister. And hopefully they'll bring him to the hall. If not my dh will go out to fetch him. It's not a follow on , I'm in the UK. The chupa will be at 3 ,or 3.30. I haven't asked my sister as it doesn't really matter. Obviously the later the better.

If you force him to go to the whole wedding and miss the school trip, you will have bigger problems on your hand. It would be one thing if you and dh were on the same page, but that ship has sailed. And it isnt worth killing your SB over this issue.
Better to have him exuberant for part of the wedding than sulking for all of it.
Are you making Sheva Brachos? He can be more involved there as well.
Dont risk turning him off to this relative and future weddings. Let him come late and happy, even if he is a drop disheveled.

amother

Bone

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:38 am

My neice missed my daughter's entire wedding due to a senior class trip that she was going on the next day. Not even the same day. My daughter was the 1st grandchild to get married, so it was a little sad for everyone.

My daughter and I felt bad. Especially since the trip wasn't that day.

In the end, though, no one really cared. Would it have been nice to have her there and in pictures?
Sure
Should we have lost sleep over it?
No

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:40 am

amother OP wrote:

So at the age of 11 he should be allowed to do as he pleases? I don't think it quite works that way! If he wants a smartphone unfiltered,we should let him because it's his own choices? I still think we as parents make this decision, and it should have been discussed with me first.
This is the first wedding on my side of the family. It's a big deal! Maybe it's not for everyone, but it is for me.

He isnt doing what he wishes, his father sanctioned the trip and honestly, your dh did the right thing. He send a message that the wedding is important but so is he as a person.
Its a big wedding for your family but his joining late doesnt take away from the simcha.

He can attend both.
יפה פשרה מדין

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:42 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

Yes you're right, and iyH we are making Sheva berochos in our house Smile

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:44 am

amother OP wrote:

My first niece is getting married iyH. On the same day my son has an end of year trip , a big one , to a theme park!
I saw that my dh had signed the paper that our son will be going to all the trips, and end of year activities (he's going to high school next year iyh so his school do a lot at the end of the year) so my son said 'Daddy said I can miss the chupa (and possibly the pics) and go on the trip.
This wasn't discussed with me, and I'm really upset! We're a small family, ours , and my siblings families. There's not that many grandchildren. I know that my parents will be upset. And I'm going to be so upset if he's not back in time for the pictures!
He won't be the only one missing the trip, if he'd miss it. My nephew (brother of the kalla) is in his class.

Now he's going on the trip because that's what my dh said he can do. He'd be so upset to miss it. So my dh said I should think about what our son wants! This is a big deal in my family. He's from a big family, and there's been so many weddings by now they don't mean all that much to him!

What are your thoughts?

School trip falls under school activity and therefore has priority.
So he will miss a part of the wedding. Adults many times have to miss part of weddings because of work and that's just normal.
Pictures? Is that the end of the world?

↑ myname1

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:58 am

amother OP wrote:

That's true, he will be really upset. I'm slightly nervous about this particular trip as well because he's way shorter than his friends (part of his medical condition) and he won't be allowed on some of the bigger rides, that his friends can. I guess I can call school to voice my concerns. Either way I'm sure he'll have a great time. And hopefully there will be someone a bit scared to go on the big ones, who can go with him on the smaller rides!

I hope you all have a special day that you feel good about in the end!

tweety1

Tue, May 21 2024, 6:04 am

amother OP wrote:

I hate to tell you but you sound pretty selfish. You're making it sound all about "you" and all about "your family" when in fact it's not. It's all about your son. An end of the year trip is major and you're being very unfair by even thinking he should miss it because of what? Pictures by "your" family. Big deal.

amother

Rainbow ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 6:24 am

Fellow brit here. If school finishes at 4 or 5, then he should be able to be in hall by 6 latest (thanks to the help of a sister in law or friend transporting him).
Chupa at 3, no way will photos start before 530 earliest anyway.
And I doubt he'd be in any pre chupa photos as a male cousin of kalla.
Best way to save time - try see if a mum going on the trip can bring him to the hall, and have his wedding clothes in back of her car, or he changes in hall bathroom.
Mazaltov and try not to sweat this too much

amother

Whitewash

Tue, May 21 2024, 6:27 am

My daughter missed her cousin's Shabbos Sheva Brachos for her school Shabbaton. We also have a small immediate family and are never all together. While it would have been nice to have her there and spend Shabbos with her cousins who she never sees, at a more relaxed setting than the wedding, my husband and I completely understood that this is the highlight of her school year and she works so hard in school and deserves to have this time with her friends. Some relatives may have been surprised at our decision, but too bad.

↑ salt ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 6:49 am

tweety1 wrote:

I think that's mean.
OP would obviously miss the school trip (or an adult parallel) for the wedding.
Often people prioritize differently. So she doesn't agree with son's point of view.
But she's asking for opinions.
That's not selfish.

singleagain ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:25 am

OP I admire the fact that You've decided to listen to wise imas here and not make a big deal about this... But I do think it's worth a conversation with your husband to please in the future at least have a discussion with you before deciding things like this... Only bc you wouldn't want the resentment of your DH having made that decision to come up later.

amother

Hibiscus

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:32 am

amother OP wrote:

We just had this exact scenario. I left it up to my daughter. She chose to go to the wedding and I bought her something she wanted instead of paying for the trip. Her school was also nice and took her class out for ice cream on a different day .

Honestly I told her I would have chosen the trip. She was pretty bored at the wedding not many cousins her age..

mfb

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:38 am

I think because it’s the first wedding your feelings are more intense. In a few years from now you’ll look back and totally understand your husband and not understand why you were so upset.
A kids major trip is very important and they will remember for the rest of their lives if you make them miss it.

amother

Caramel

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:39 am

amother OP wrote:

At the age of 11 he should not be made to miss a once in a year, or even more, exciting trip! So that he can be in pictures. Totally illogical.

And I say this as someone from a small family and my nieces and nephews are everything to me! But omg no way would I be carrying on like this for a child to miss the wedding. Most sleep away camps won’t let you off ground for a cousin’s wedding if it’s over the summer.

↑ salt

Tue, May 21 2024, 7:41 am

amother OP wrote:

You also said that the thought of him missing the pictures are making you nervous!

Think about it -
If he'd be nervous about not being able to go on some of the rides due to his height, he has a great excuse to get out of this trip - he can say he has a family wedding.
But he is choosing to go on the trip - so I doubt he's nervous about not being allowed to go on some of the rides.
And he also doesn't seem nervous about not being in the photos.

Chayalle

Tue, May 21 2024, 9:46 am

amother OP wrote:

I can relate to this post as the mother of a very petite daughter....I have not forgotten the time her camp went on a big trip, also to a theme park, and she was so excited to go....and she came home and said she couldn't go on any of the rides because of her height. Her friends were great and went with her to the small kiddie section...not exactly where you want to be in the 5th grade. It was really hard for her.
But at the same time, going definitely built her socially (like I said, her friends didn't ditch her!) and it's so important for your son to be socially regular and normal, especially if he's short.
Definitely discuss with his school in advance to see what kind of accommodations could be made for him.

amother

Indigo ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 9:51 am

amother OP wrote:

He shouldn't be allowed to do as he pleases, but I would not make my child miss a major trip because of a cousins wedding. Take yourself, your feelings & your family out of the picture, and put yourself in your child's shoes.
The wedding may be a big deal for YOU, but for your son, the trip is a bigger deal.
You should care more about how your son feels, then how your mother feels. You shouldn't force your kids in to certain things in order to please your mother.

ShishKabob

Tue, May 21 2024, 9:51 am

jflower wrote:

Of course he should go on the trip and get to the wedding as soon as he can. Don't make this about your parents or your family. This is all about your son's chance to enjoy the day with his classmates. It's not the end of the world if he misses the posed pictures. Maybe the photographer will be able to take some pics later on.

This