Wedding or class trip? I'm so upset.

amother

OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 3:56 am

My first niece is getting married iyH. On the same day my son has an end of year trip , a big one , to a theme park!
I saw that my dh had signed the paper that our son will be going to all the trips, and end of year activities (he's going to high school next year iyh so his school do a lot at the end of the year) so my son said 'Daddy said I can miss the chupa (and possibly the pics) and go on the trip.
This wasn't discussed with me, and I'm really upset! We're a small family, ours , and my siblings families. There's not that many grandchildren. I know that my parents will be upset. And I'm going to be so upset if he's not back in time for the pictures!
He won't be the only one missing the trip, if he'd miss it. My nephew (brother of the kalla) is in his class.

Now he's going on the trip because that's what my dh said he can do. He'd be so upset to miss it. So my dh said I should think about what our son wants! This is a big deal in my family. He's from a big family, and there's been so many weddings by now they don't mean all that much to him!

What are your thoughts?

jflower

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:09 am

Of course he should go on the trip and get to the wedding as soon as he can. Don't make this about your parents or your family. This is all about your son's chance to enjoy the day with his classmates. It's not the end of the world if he misses the posed pictures. Maybe the photographer will be able to take some pics later on.

155

salt ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:11 am

If he'll be at the rest of the wedding, just missing the beginning, for sure I'd let him go on the trip too.

Unless there's some way you can make up for missing the trip for him, eg, take him and a group of his best friends to a theme park on another day in the summer. Maybe that way you can persuade him to be at the chupa and miss the trip.

Otherwise I'd let my son do what he prefers.
There will always be some clashes with events in life - in the long run no one will really remember that he wasn't there. Even if he's not in the pictures.

But every family's different. I'm just saying what I'd do.

Last edited by salt on Tue, May 21 2024, 4:12 am; edited 1 time in total

essie14 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:12 am

Your son deserves to make his own decisions.
We don't have a big family either but I don't force my kids to attend the few cousin's weddings. It's their choice.
Take family pictures another time.
I agree with your husband.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:16 am

salt wrote:

Yes so he'll be there for the dinner iyH but he'll miss the chupa, and reception. And likely family pictures. We're a small family though, the thought of him missing the pictures are making me nervous! But he'll go on the trip, go to my sister in law to change, my dh's sister. And hopefully they'll bring him to the hall. If not my dh will go out to fetch him. It's not a follow on , I'm in the UK. The chupa will be at 3 ,or 3.30. I haven't asked my sister as it doesn't really matter. Obviously the later the better.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:20 am

essie14 wrote:

So at the age of 11 he should be allowed to do as he pleases? I don't think it quite works that way! If he wants a smartphone unfiltered,we should let him because it's his own choices? I still think we as parents make this decision, and it should have been discussed with me first.
This is the first wedding on my side of the family. It's a big deal! Maybe it's not for everyone, but it is for me.

amother

Outerspace ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:26 am

If its the the the thought of him not being in the pictures thats bothering you, there is always photo editing.

My entire family is spread out all over the world so that we are never all in the same place at the same time. As a gift for my parents, I recently created a huge group family photo with everyone. It came out so well, it really looks like we were all together and my parents were thrilled. It was a very complicated cut and paste job for me, but to add in one extra boy, should not be too difficult.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:29 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

I guess we could do that but you need to understand that we're all here, we all love in the same place so it's expected that he'll be there. Your family knows that it's very unlikely for you all to be in the same place at once.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:34 am

It's very normal for him to miss the chupa to go on a class trip, especially as you write he's leaving school now. (From the uk too, I know what stage you mean).
I'm willing to bet your mother thinks its the right decision too.
Your nephew missing the trip is completely different, that's his sibling getting married.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:35 am

Ftr we do go to theme parks as a family, and go on really nice vacations. I understand this is different because it's with his classmates which is super exciting! But it's not like he doesn't get to go on fun trips. We go away with cousins etc. We're actually planning to go to a theme park in the summer when away with family.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:36 am

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

Yes so I'm sure they'll understand. I haven't mentioned it to them yet. Yes of course it's different for my nephew to miss the trip! But was saying that he wouldn't be the only boy in the class to miss it.

↑ essie14 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Your husband should have discussed this with you first, yes.
But yes, an 11 year old is old enough to decline attending a wedding. A smartphone has no relevance here.
I disagree that parents should force a child to attend a wedding.
But you do you.
We recently had the first wedding in my family and it was a VERY big deal for several reasons. Not every immediate family member was able to attend. My parents understood that there are other circumstances.

amother

Seashell

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:42 am

I would also be very upset. We also have a small family so it's a big deal. If he would be missing the whole wedding I would definitely say that he can't go. This way, missing only chuppa, I would give him a choice and see if he'd be willing to miss the trip and I would make it up to him somehow.

myname1 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:46 am

Sorry, OP, I agree with all the rest. He should for sure go on this trip. For a kid to miss this trip is probably huge! Vs. going to his older girl cousin's wedding, which really, does he care? You mentioned his cousin will be missing for his sister's wedding, too, but that's a much bigger deal for the kid than his female cousin a few years older. The kallah's brother might even prefer the wedding, but even if not, forcing him to go is reasonable. Kallah's younger cousin not so much. Sounds like you get family pics at other simchas, on dh's side and iy"H future ones on your side. And even your family itself soon enough iy"H! I really think he'd lose more missing the trip than you or your mom will lose with him missing the pictures (and chuppah and whatever else he might miss).

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 4:51 am

myname1 wrote:

Ok so he's going to go on the trip. I'm just upset, and also upset that my dh made the decision on his own, and how he thinks it's just another niece's wedding.

↑ salt ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:01 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't think she meant he can make all his own decisions. She meant with regarding this particular simcha. He should be allowed to prioritize.
As another poster said, it's his cousin who is probably at least 10 years older than him. It's just not such a big deal for him.

Once my DS chose to miss his cousin's bar mitzva for a school shabbat, and we were all quite shocked that he didn't want to be at the bm, but gave him the choice. (they were similar aged cousins, about 2 years apart).
After the bar mitzva my other kids said it's good he went to his class shabbat - the Bar mitzva really wasn't such a big deal.

I do agree that your DH should have discussed it with you first, but perhaps he just thought it was the obvious choice.

↑ essie14

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Ok so he's going to go on the trip. I'm just upset, and also upset that my dh made the decision on his own, and how he thinks it's just another niece's wedding.

I understand your hurt and as I said, I don't agree with the part of your husband unilaterally making this decision.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:08 am

There will be many more weddings iyh he'll be able to attend. There will often be someone missing.
Try to imagine what he'll feel like coming back to school the next day and everyone chatting about their fun day they had without him

↑ myname1 ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:22 am

amother OP wrote:

Ok so he's going to go on the trip. I'm just upset, and also upset that my dh made the decision on his own, and how he thinks it's just another niece's wedding.

Yeah, I get that. I am also from a really small family and dh is from a big one, so I can understand how you and your dh see this very differently. To him it is just another niece's wedding. When my one sister has a dd getting married bez"H, I will feel a big connection to the simcha. And if we lived closer, I could see expecting my ds to feel the same. But I don't think he would even if he knew her well. It sounds like your ds has been to other cousins' weddings on your dh's side. I see why he is not quite as psyched about this one as you are. And your dh sees it the same way probably. This is a huge simcha for you, your sibling/s, and your parents. And the kallah and her siblings, too. That just doesn't extend to your dh and ds.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, May 21 2024, 5:26 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

That's true, he will be really upset. I'm slightly nervous about this particular trip as well because he's way shorter than his friends (part of his medical condition) and he won't be allowed on some of the bigger rides, that his friends can. I guess I can call school to voice my concerns. Either way I'm sure he'll have a great time. And hopefully there will be someone a bit scared to go on the big ones, who can go with him on the smaller rides!